Friday, December 30, 2011

He's Not the Jesus I Always Thought He Was

I spend a lot of time thinking about Jesus.  I also think a lot about what perception I had of Him before I really knew Him.  Why?  Because my perception was way off base.  Maybe if I write about it someone out there might change their own mind about Him the same way I did.

I think it's important to give a little bit of background on myself.  I did always grow up going to church.  I learned the "stories" in the bible but they were just stories to me and not much more.  Maybe they really happened, maybe not.  They were basically irrelevant to me.  I was a person practicing the culture of Christianity and nothing more.

Many of you who know me from a long time back might be wondering how I went from that to the Jesus follower I am today?  Did I get sucked into some sort of crazy church that indoctrinated me?  Did I meet someone who pulled me into this?  The answer is, no.  That is not how it happened.  What happened was quite simple.  I started asking big questions about life and death and happiness.  I thought about them a lot.  I worried about them. Then I started looking for answers.  I looked in a lot of places for those answers and one of the places I looked was in the bible.  What I found there when I looked for myself was a God who really loved me and wanted a relationship with me. I found a God who loved me so much He died a horrible death for me.  I began to feel guilty that I was doing so many things that made both myself and Him unhappy.  So I set about trying to fix those things.  I tried really hard to do good, be better, but I failed over and over again.  Until one day I gave up on myself and put God to the test.  I asked Him if He was real to come and help me and fix the mess I was making of myself.  

You know what happened?  He did.  A heavy weight lifted from inside my heart immediately and from that moment on I knew that He was more than just a far off notion.  He was real and He was right there, not in some far off ethereal realm.  This changed my whole perception of Him and the ideas I had grown up having about who God was.   

This is my message to anyone who is unsure or who is sure I don't know what I'm talking about:  He will be as close to us as we allow Him to be.  He made us after all and He made us to choose how much or how little of Him we want.  He is deeply personal, concerning Himself with even the smallest things in our lives.  Some might say He does not exist.   Do you really think that your thinking on that can actually make it so?  Some might say they don't need Him.  That's a little bit like a child thinking they can just take care of themselves.  Some of you might think I've gone off the deep end.  But you know me.  Do I seem like a nut?  Test what I'm saying for yourself.  Look for the truth and be open to the possibility that it just might come from Jesus.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

My Way or His Way


We are currently visiting with our best friends in North Carolina.  My kids are having a blast hanging out with their kids and it’s really nice to be away.  I’ve been looking forward to this trip for the last 8 months for two reasons.  The first reason was an obvious chance to see my best friend who has been living across the country in Colorado for the last 5 years and was planning a move back to the East Coast.   The second reason was a chance to fuel my deep-seated desire to move our own family down to this area.  You see for the last year and a half up until very recently I was on a mission to get our family out of the city. 

Here were my reasons why:  We live in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment with three kids.  That’s just crazy.  We have no parking spot.  We have to do laundry in a communal laundry in our basement.  When you have 3 kids that means doing laundry down there at least 3 times a week.  We have no outdoor space and I was sick of schlepping our kids to the playground every day.  I wanted a yard.  I wanted a long driveway so our kids could ride their bikes on it.  Also, the schools in our city are all over the place in terms of quality and I wanted to move our kids to better, more consistently good schools.  The list went on but those were the generally big reasons why I wanted out.

I begged and pleaded with R to consider it.  I created online real estate accounts and saved my favorite houses that were all at least triple the size of our current apartment and cost even less than what we could sell our place for.  I prayed about it, sort of.  I mostly kept telling God that He knew what I wanted and needed and that was it.  I looked up job opportunities for R, planned a budget for how we could live off one income, and generally just dreamed about my life outside of the city. 

Then about two months ago God began to deal with me on many, many levels.  This desire of mine was one of them.  For the most part my desire to get out was eating me up.  It’s all I thought about and wanted to talk about.  It was nearly the sole source of conflict between my husband and I.  At some point I prayed to God that He would either make this move happen or tame the desire my heart had for it.  He ended up doing the latter. 

What God showed me recently was that I could have my way or His.  It was my choice.  But the blessing was going to come from following Him, even if it wasn’t where I thought I wanted to be.  For now following Him means staying put, exactly where we are.  As I have relinquished that to Him, I have had total peace, which had been missing from me for as long as I had been pursuing a relocation.  I’ve also been able to look at the space we have with a new appreciation.  Most people in the world live in much smaller spaces with many more people.  My complaints, while valid to many, were actually showing how spoiled I had become. 

Today I was reading in 1 Samuel about Saul and David.  Both were chosen by God to be kings over Israel.  The difference between the two of them is that at one point Saul chose not to do what God had asked him to.  Because of this God was no longer with him and he lived a life tortured by jealousy and evil spirits.  In contrast, David always followed the path God had for Him and God stayed by David’s side, blessing him and keeping him safe despite many dangerous encounters.  I am choosing to follow God.  I don’t want to go my own way. 

So here I am, sitting in a beautiful house.  If I had come here 8 months ago I would have been very jealous visiting here with no plans of getting a house like this for myself.  Instead I am able to enjoy my time with friends wholeheartedly without longing for something that may or may not ever be mine.  

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!

It's late and we just finished putting out the kid's Christmas gifts under the tree.  Our apartment has no place to hang stockings so they are resting against a bookcase, ready to be torn into tomorrow morning.  It's funny because for weeks my kids have been talking excitedly about opening presents and every time I try to redirect them to the reason we celebrate the holiday to begin with.  "Don't forget what we're celebrating.  It's Jesus' birthday and we're so thankful He was born."  I've said it so many times, willing it's way into their little hearts.  Everything around them screams that Christmas is about presents, and Santa, and even just family and friends.  None of those things are wrong or bad, but I so desperately want them to be only a tiny part and for Jesus to be the real reason my children are excited for Christmas.  He deserves a celebration.

 So as I sit here reflecting on His birth, I think about how he chose to come into this world.  He chose a stinking stable so that we would see what true humilty is.  He chose a lowly existence.  He chose to come, not as a man at first, but as a helpless baby who needed a mother to care for Him in every way.  Eventually He chose the nails that pierced His hands.  He did that for us all.  I'm so thankful and so greatful.  I hope I can help my children to understand this amidst all their whirlwind of new gifts.  Maybe I can't.  Maybe all the gift giving will always overshadow Jesus.  If that is the case we will need to rethink that part of our family tradition.  When it's their birthday we turn our attention to them.  But tomorrow we celebrate His and that is where our joy and hearts and focus should be. 

Merry Christmas to you all!

-Kate

Friday, December 23, 2011

Israel

So I’ve been really bad at following the specific timeline of the unrest and such in Israel.  Today I stumbled upon a National Geographic special about Christians living in the town of Bethlehem and learned a fact that blew me away.  Before I reveal it, a little background on Israel and how it is inextricably connected to my story of finding Jesus:

When I was a senior in college I was trying to figure out what to do for spring break.  This was the spring of 2000.  I was leaning towards booking a flight to go to Florida with a new boyfriend of mine when my best college friend invited me to join her and members of her family’s church on a trip to Israel.  Florida or Israel?  Honestly the idea of going on an adventure to the Middle East seemed exciting and my best friend was begging me to go.  But I wasn’t all gung ho about it.  I sort of preferred the idea of spring break with my new flame.  Not completely wholeheartedly, I agreed to the Israel trip.  My best friend was ecstatic and told me she would get back to me with the details.  A few days later she called dismayed.  “There’s no more seats on the flight.”, she said.  “Oh well.” I thought.  I wasn’t disappointed.  Florida seemed more appealing anyway.  “The whole group from the church is going to pray that a seat opens up for you.”, she told me.  “Whatever happens happens.” I thought to myself.

A few days later she called back excited.  “You’re coming!  A seat opened up and we booked you on the trip!”  At that point I was actually disappointed.  I had already been envisioning my spring break on the beach.  “Great!” I told her, trying muster up some enthusiasm.

A month later we were on our way to the Holy Land for a ten day, Christian pilgrimage with about 12 other people from the church where my best friend’s Dad was a pastor.  We traveled to see numerous places that have been written about in the bible.  For someone who knew the bible well it must have been a dream come true to see these places come alive.  For me, it was not.  I kept a journal while I was there and wrote about what we did every day.   I complained a lot about how exhausted I was and about how I missed my boyfriend back in the States.  Obviously seeing relevant Christian landmarks is not as earth shattering when you’re not even really a Christian. 

But the truth is I can now see in retrospect how God began to do a work in my heart while we were there.  I think in many ways this was a pivotal launching point for where my journey to find him began in me.  I have no doubt God had been at work before this, but it was there in the land that He loves and has blessed that the part of the journey that involves my own discovery began. 
Here is an excerpt that I have taken from my journal while we were there:

“My feelings on this trip have been very mixed.  I don’t feel entirely connected to this group although everyone is incredibly nice.  Seeing all these things puts me in a constant state of question over my beliefs.  Seeing thousands of people from all over the world praying and connecting to the various sights we see makes me feel even more disconnected.  I believe in God and Jesus and look to them for strength, but have come to the conclusion that I need organized religion only for the traditions I enjoy participating in.   Being around this group all week, who strongly believe in the teachings of the bible and church makes me feel very separated from them.  Although I am grateful to have this amazing opportunity to reflect on my faith, it is tiring me out.  These people are tiring me out.  I want to go home…. I want to go back to my everyday life.  I’m just so tired here.”

Wow!  I see in those words how God was beginning to make His way into my heart.  He was prodding me.  He was making me feel uncomfortable.  He was making me deal with and face big questions about what I believed.  And he did this by using a small group of people from a little church, and a trip to see where His story of love began. 

Giving my heart to Him didn’t happen soon after that.  It would be another 15 months of wrestling with God and trying to fix my life in my own strength before I finally gave my all to Him.   Now how does this apply to what I just watched on National Geographic?  Well as it turns out and what I have been ignorant in knowing up to this point are two things:  First, there had been political unrest and violence in Israel for decades prior to the first part of 2000.  I somewhat knew this.  However, in 2000 there was an unprecedented calm in the unrest.  Because of this, even the Pope paid a visit to Israel in March of 2000, which was exactly when I made my trip there.  Also unbeknownst to me, by September of the same year there was a second uprising and turmoil has continued since then.  The National Geographic episode discussed how many Christian landmarks go unvisited for the most part due to the danger it would pose to visit them. 

Why does this blow me away?  Because I am amazed that I traveled there during the small window of time that it would have been safe to do so.  Because if it had been dangerous as it was before and after, I would have never gone.  Because God knew I needed to go there, and made it so that I could.  Did God calm political unrest in Israel just for me to go there and learn about Him?  Well, I know that He would.  I can’t say that He did that JUST for me, but He might have.  The bible says,

 “I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. “  (Luke 15:7 NIV)

I know that it matters to Him what happens to each of us.  I know that He cares and desires to have each of our hearts.  I know that Jesus would have gone to the cross just for me.  But He did it for us all.  So because of this I know that God ordained that I would go to Israel, that I would see and hear, and that eventually I would believe and put my faith in Him.  He also knew that almost 12 years later it would finally occur to me exactly what He had done to make that happen.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

For the Mothers


There are so many reasons why I know God is real.  I’ve mentioned a few of them in a previous post.  But one of the greatest reasons is sitting right in front of my face: my children.  Here are some reasons why I could never deny the existence of God:

*Seeing each one of my children for the first time as entered the world
*When my daughter smiles at me with a wide smile and she’s all gums except for two little bottom teeth that are sticking out
*When my almost 6 year old writes me a letter and sticks it on my bedroom door.  The envelope reads : TO MOMME
*When my 3 year old says or does something so completely hilarious that I am smiling ear to ear
*When one of them tells me they want a kiss or a hug
*When they wrap their own arms around me
*When I look down at my baby’s face as I nurse her.
*When I wipe a tear off of one of their faces.
*When they were babies and they rested their little heads on my shoulder

Why do those things convince me?  Because when these things happen what I feel is love, intense and undeniable love.  Love to me is evidence that we have a creator.  It’s not just a chemical response to something.  We are not animals.  We feel and love deeply.  My love for my children is so strong that just the mere thought of something bad happening to one of them makes me sick to my stomach and overcome with dread.  Any mother would agree.  Every mother feels the same way.  And yet God’s love for us is even greater than that.  But to help us understand how He feels about us just a little bit, He’s allowed many of us to become mothers and to love in such a way that we’ve never experienced before.  He does it so we can relate to the love He feels for us.  He does it so that many of us will say as we look at our children: God must be real.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Putting Myself Out There

I've debated long and hard about whether I should link these posts to my Facebook page.  I have it hidden in my profile so if you dug for it you could find it and my friend Gabby mentioned it once so it is "there", but I haven't up to this point decided if I should let everyone on Facebook know when I write here.  After all my motivation isn't really so much that everyone would read this.  I'm writing because I feel I have things to say and because I feel like God has been prodding me to do this.  That's it, so why the need to notify?

The reason why I am doing it has to do with one thing, and that is a fear of letting everyone know exactly who I am.  I'm not concerned about my Christian friends.  Most of what I'm writing they can relate to or they've even thought about and articulated themselves.  But the truth is that many of my friends do not really know me.  They don't know specifically what I believe and stand for.  I've kept to myself shall we say.  I mean, most people I know relatively well know my husband works in a church.  So they can assume from that what they want, probably that I am a church attender, believe in God, celebrate Christian holidays.  But what I have failed to do is tell most of them that what I believe completely shapes who I am and how I look at everything.  I don't just attend the church my husband works at; I fully and completely love Jesus Christ.  I love who He is and what He did for me.  I'm zealous.  I'm on fire.  I'm so many things that so many people I know just don't know about.

So why have I been so afraid to let everyone know?  Maybe because when I used to not believe what I do now I thought people like me were nuts.  I don't want the friends I've made to think that about me.  But the bottom line is, I have been called to tell people who I am and what I believe.  I have been told in God's word that people will reject me and reject what I say is the truth.  But I still have to do it.  I have to be true to myself and to my God, even if I lose friendships and respect because of it.  In the end I don't have to answer to anyone other than God Himself.  God has commissioned us all to tell those around us about His love and His salvation.  There is no other reason why we are here.  If you think I'm crazy, I'm okay with that.  I promise I will have no hard feelings.  Ten years ago I would have thought you were crazy too if you had told me the same things about Jesus.  But He was always there and He is real to me now and I'm His follower.

Love,  Kate

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Beginning to Realize Why We Were Meant to Be

I always think it's wonderful and amazing when couples feel a specific burden to do something for God before they are even married.  I've heard so many stories about people that have a heart for this or that and then they meet their future spouse and feel and instant connection because they are both drawn to serve God similarly.  What confirmation that must be in deciding if someone is meant to be your spouse!

For R. and I it has been different.  I only doubted for about a day as to whether or not he was the one for me.  I prayed very specifically that if God did not will this, then I didn't want it.  I felt an instant peace and probably the closest I have ever felt to hearing God's voice as if He was saying, "I am not playing games with you, rest assured."  I never looked back from that point.  In the last seven and a half years that we have been married I have seen over and over again how God undeniably put me with the right person.  R. knows me like no other and has incredible insight into my strengths and weaknesses.  God has used him tremendously to shape me into a better person.  But the one thing that has been unclear to us, that has always been foggy, was how God was going to use us together to do something for Him.  You see, at first glance we have very different interests.  We have different ways of thinking and different ways that we go about doing things.  R. would share passions he had and I would just sort of nod my head, thinking that it sounded great for him, but felt nothing on my end.

 Bottom line however is that I have never doubted that God had something in store for both of us to do together.  We just didn't know what it was yet.  For over seven years we discussed things here or there in little bits, but still no clarity.  Until one day a few weeks ago I said something.  And then a few weeks after that little light bulbs sort of just went off and we began to work on a project together.  I don't want to give away details because it seems preemptive to start discussing something that is underway and unfinished, but working together on this project for God as been very seamless, very meant to be.  We have no idea where God will take it or what the final outcome will be.  All we know is that we are supposed to be working on it and doing it as a team.  Amazing!  We always knew God would do it because He always does.

For every married couple that serves the Lord, there is some greater plan that God needs to accomplish using both people together.  Otherwise He would not have joined you together.  It's not just to love one another and love your kids.  It's part of His eternal plan at winning souls, that the work that can be achieved with two is greater than what could have been done separately each one.  I think it's awesome and a great confirmation if you know what that is going to be before you walk down the aisle.  But sometimes, certainly in the case of R. and I, we just knew that there was something for us to do, and trusted that in His time we would know what it was.  It feels very good to see the beginnings of that finally come to fruition.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Birth

I have given birth to 3 children.  The first birth was medicated.  I got the epidural to numb away the pain as soon as it began to hurt a lot.  I completely and totally understood at that moment why women choose to avoid the pain of childbirth.  It really, really hurts.  Through a series of experiences connected to giving birth to J., I decided to forgo pain medication for the births of my last 2 children.  A lot of people thought I was crazy.  "Why would you want to go through that much pain if you don't have to?" and "Oh no, not me!  Give me the drugs!" were probably the two responses I heard the most often.   There are so many reasons why it was the right choice for me, but what I want to focus on today is how going through the experience the way I did has transformed me spiritually and allowed me to understand God in a way I never have before.

I'm going to reflect back specifically on my most recent birth, as it happened, well...most recently :) and is most fresh in my mind.  As any women who has gone through the pain that comes with child birth can attest, it is a pain like no other.  It is intense beyond description.  The way birth is portrayed in TV and movies is really quite laughable, both in how neat and tidy it is as well as how little it shows the intensity a women experiences when she is in it.  I remember feeling at so many moments that this pain was so unbelievably impossible to bear that I might just rather die than go through any more of it.  So why oh why did I put myself through that?  Spiritually speaking,  I believe enduring that pain helped me connect closer to Jesus' agony on the cross.  I think the pain I suffered was surely less than what He went through, but in the moment of it I felt very close to Him and what He endured.  My midwife at one point (who I don't think professes to be a Christian although I could be wrong) reminded me of the crucifixion when I told her "I just don't want to do this."  I was honestly struck silent with what she said and felt for sure God had given her that thought to share with me.

 While I was in it, I remember wondering how anyone might be able to do this (even though I had done it in a similar fashion once before).  Yet somehow God carried me through the experience as He does with every other women who gives birth to a child.  When I look back on it I am both amazed that I endured and in awe of how God helped me so much.   I actually can't imagine being able to do it again because I think He only gave me the strength for that moment, a strength I only needed then, and not now.  Yet I trust that if I were to experience it again, as with any momentous challenge in my life, that God would see me through it and give me the grace and courage to overcome whatever I might face.

On another note, lest one should think that it is the women who is so amazing to be able to bring forth human life despite enduring such pain, I would like to suggest that it's actually the women's husband who has the harder time in the process.  I realized this fact after giving birth this last time.  I began to think about how much it hurt God to see His Son whom He loved so much suffering and hurting on the cross.  It wasn't that He couldn't stop that hurt and suffering, but He didn't, because if He did then it would be the rest of us, whom He also loved who would suffer eternally.  Still it must have been agony to watch and not step in.  The same can be said for my husband and all the other husbands out there who have watched their wives go through the pain of childbirth.  While they can be there to lend support and words of comfort, they are powerless to take the pain away.  Imagine what it would be like to watch the person you love the most in the whole world, in total agony and you really can't do anything about it.  He was helpless.  I know it hurt him tremendously and if the tables were turned I wouldn't want to be in his position.

The bottom line in all of this is that sometimes even if you have a choice not to, it's worth it to go through something.  When you're in it, you have the strength of God helping you in a way that you've never experienced before.  When you think you will not make it through, He will show you that you will.  And the best reward of all is that you will know Him in a new way.  So many people thought I was crazy to go through the pain of natural childbirth.  But I know deep in my heart that I know Him in ways I never could have if I had chosen differently.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Waiting

Waiting is probably the thing I am absolutely the worst at doing.  To say it's a weakness of mine is an understatement.  But the funny thing that I keep realizing after something I've been waiting for comes to fruition, is that in retrospect I wouldn't change the length of time I waited or anything about the experience for that matter either.  When God has given me what I've waited for, meaning it truly came from Him and I didn't just go and get it for myself; I haven't wish it would have come sooner.

Case in point, my husband and I dated and were engaged for a total of 2 1/2 years before our wedding day came.  In the midst of that time I agonized about when we would finally be married.  "When will that day come Lord?" I asked over and over and over.  I prayed, and waited, waited and prayed.  I became impatient at times.  My future husband did a much better job at waiting than I did.  He was not in a rush.  He took the time to enjoy the experience for what it was, knowing well that we would never have that experience again.  When our wedding day finally arrived I was beside myself with joy.  But similarly I remember feeling like it had come in God's perfect time and I wouldn't have wanted it to happen any sooner.  7 1/2 years later I look back so fondly on the time we had before we were married that I almost forget how much I wanted to wish it away when I was in it.

I think in general we have a tendency to rush our way through things.  We look towards the future, towards things and experiences that we do not yet have, instead of focusing on what is happening right now.  And we get awfully impatient when we think God is not moving fast enough.  An example of this that I just read in Exodus (Yes I'm still making my way through that book) was when the Israelites were waiting for Moses to come back from speaking with God on the mountain.  Moses was actually up on a mountain hearing directly from God Himself and the Israelites got cranky and tired of waiting for him get back!  So in their impatience they coaxed Aaron into making them a false god out of their golden jewelry.  And the Israelite people, who had literally seen God part the sea for them, began worshipping this golden calf idol.  Is that unbelievable or what?  They ended up paying heavily for this when God got wind of it and He struck them with plagues as a punishment for doing what they had done.  Many of them were killed as well as a result of their foolish behavior.  All this because they wouldn't wait.

We are not so unlike the Israelites.  I certainly see myself in them.  We get impatient and we take things into our own hands.  We think we see what we should be doing and we go get what's ours.  But there will be a penalty paid for this kind of behavior.  When we rush to do our own thing we cannot see what lies ahead the same way that God can. In fact we can't see what's ahead at all!  And He will let us make our own choices.  He will also let us reap what we sow.  We also miss out on something far more precious.  We lose out on all the blessings that come from Him while we are waiting.  I've never drawn closer to Him than when I was uncertain about how something would come to pass.  I hope as I grow in Him, I will also learn how to rejoice and find rest in the waiting times.  It's a good place to be.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

They notice the little things.

2 entries today!  Whew!

I just wanted to write one little thing today about how much I am realizing just how much our kids notice what we do!  Yesterday we stopped to get gas after I picked up J. from school.  While I was standing at the pump I placed a small card by the credit card slot with an advertisement for our Christmas show.  When I was done pumping I hopped in the car and off we went.  A few minutes later J said to me, "Mommy I saw you leave that card at the gas station".  "You're right", I told him.  "I prayed in my heart that the next person who comes for gas will see it and maybe if they don't know Jesus, will decide to come to the show and hear about what He did for them."  J. was quiet for a moment in the back seat.  "I think they will Mommy."  "You think they will what?" I said.  "I think they will come." he said.  I smiled.  "I really hope so J."

This moment really reminded me just how much he and his brother and sister notice everything I do.  That's both for the good and for the bad.  I make hundreds of mistakes each day in mothering them.  I feel like a failure very, very often.  My prayer today is that God will help me to remember that they are watching me.  They notice when I do things for Him and they notice when I act in ways I shouldn't.  I pray He will help me be a better mother,  with more patience, and an eternal perspective towards being their parent.

God's blessing and prosperity

Today I've been thinking about what it means when we are in God's will for our lives.  I think I've always correctly assumed that being in God's will means we receive His blessings and we prosper.  But what does that really mean?  I think I've incorrectly assumed that being in His will means he will bless and prosper us with THINGS.  I have completely missed the mark on this one.  There are many, many believers who are very much in God's will and their lives do not get easier.  They continue to live with very little.   Sometimes they continue to suffer most terribly.   However, what they have, what I want to have, is the blessing of knowing Him better.  I imagine these believers are very close to God at all times.  And they know it.  The more I know Him and draw close to Him the more He shows me His face.  It's a very deep and beautiful thing.  I think His prosperity means He will give us more and more of Him in our daily lives as we draw close to Him.  That's not to say that his blessings don't come in the form of things sometimes.  I have no doubt they do.  But I don't think that's really the whole point of it all.

Our walk with him should never be about what tangible item we can get out of the relationship.  Recently I was watching a snip it from a reality TV show and the episode actually centered around the family on Christmas day.  Every time the mother opened up another gift she would say "Thank you Jesus", like for example "Thank you Jesus for this Rolex!" and "Thank you Jesus for this diamond bracelet!".  Certainly this women has received many material blessings and being thankful is never a bad thing.  But really is that all He is about?

My greatest desire and hope at this point in my life is that I would continue to receive the blessings of God.  Most desperately I long to be closer to Him, to understand Him better, to hear His voice more clearly.  I also hope that He will prosper me, prosper me in doing His work, whatever and whenever that may be.

Monday, December 12, 2011

He always knew I would choose Him

I've been reflecting a lot today on how I came to know the Lord.  Maybe it's because the Christmas season is upon us, maybe it's for some other reason, but I've been thinking a lot about before I knew Him.  Like, what was He thinking about when he would look at me?  I remember rejecting Him as a kid.  I told my parents I no longer wanted to attend church.  I wanted it to be my decision, and my decision was that I didn't like it.  "Everyone's too old.  I don't like the music.  It's boring."  My parents said I had to go.  "Fine!" I said "But I'm not singing!  I'm not going to participate in any way."  They said I still had to go.  I remember standing there in the pew looking defiantly at the people up at the altar.  I can't remember but maybe it was choir members standing there or the just the pastor.  I would look right at them with my lips sealed shut as each song was sung. It's funny because in my mind I addressed God even though the words in my head were, "See me here!  I don't even believe in you!"  What was He thinking when I did that?  I think it probably hurt Him to hear those words.  But then again He is all knowing.  So while it might have hurt, I can just imagine Him thinking "It's okay because some day you WILL know Me.   Someday you will choose Me."  That just brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.  He knows who will choose Him and who will want Him.  He knows who will reject Him and that must sting.  We have a choice we get to make.  And when we choose Him, we enter into the most amazing relationship we will ever have.  It allows me to live every day without any regret for all of the many mistakes I have made, including when I rejected Him.  Because He always knew I would choose Him in the end and that we would walk together both here on this earth and someday forever in Heaven.  It blows me away every time I think about it.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

A New Perspective

Since becoming a mom I have been perpetually exhausted.  I mean 24/7 tired all the time!  I think most moms can relate.  But for the last almost 6 years I think I've also been using this as an excuse for things.  I'm too tired to play with my kids.  I'm too tired to go to church.  I'm too tired to serve in this or that.  I'm too tired, too tired, too tired.  What a shame that I've wasted 6 precious years being so tired all the time.  At one point my wonderful husband pointed out that there were single moms who were up just as early as me and managed to get their kids to church on Sunday and stayed there all day.  I dared him to find me one.  He didn't press the conversation.

Recently as I think I've mentioned, God has been doing a lot of new things in me.  I've be realizing new things every day.  One of the biggest is that life is very short.  I only have a limited amount of time before I see Him and that's it.  What am I going to do with that time?  Am I going to waste it all being tired?  NO!  I want to spend the rest of the time I have on this earth drawing closer to God, doing His work, teaching my children to do the same, and letting God use me to bring as many people as I can into His kingdom.  That's my sole purpose for being here anyway.  The best part of it all is that God is showing me that working hard is actually enjoyable with the right attitude...even if you're tired.

With that new outlook I decided that my husband R. was not going to be the only one working on the Christmas show this year.  We're all there playing a part.  J is watching on the side lines and soaking it in.  T is letting me carry her across the stage and not fussing.  And of course there's M who is joyfully making his acting debut!  We've been at church really late.  We've stood backstage waiting for the number to start for hours at a time.  We've spend a lot of time crawling and playing in the aisles of church instead of with our toys at home. To be honest with you, I'm more tired than ever before.  But I've never been more full of joy.  We're serving God.  We're doing what He called us to do.  There's nothing better than that.  Oh and proving that my husband is a very wise man and usually right about what he says... I met a single mom who is in the show too and brings her two very young children with her to rehearsal every time.  She's my hero.  She helps remind me that God wants us to work hard for him no matter what our circumstances are.  I'm hoping we can become friends : )  I think she could teach me a lot.  And now this tired mom is going to take a crack at getting some sleep!

Friday, December 9, 2011

A Daily Thing

I've decided I'm going to try and write here every day or as often as I can.  I'm not going to wait until I have something big to write about.  Call it a journal or whatever, but mostly I want to just put down what's on my mind and in my heart.  Hopefully someday I can dig back in here an find something specific if it becomes important or I need it for some reason.  So here it goes for today...

I'm still reading in Exodus and right now I feel like God is just showing me and reminding me that one of the ways He shows us He is real is through miracles.  Like, when something is just not explainable by human logic, then it is clearly super natural.  So I read about the parting of the Red Sea.  Then I google searched it.  I believe God parted the sea, but I'm on this hunt right now for evidence.  Maybe its because I'm surrounded by all these people who don't believe and have their own good "evidence" for that.  I want to have an answer for the questions that come my way.  I should.  We all should. Anyway, I digress...

So I found this article about how they think they have located the actual site of the parting of the Red Sea.  And these divers went down there and actually found calcified chariot wheels and human remains amongst the coral reefs down there.  Wow!  That really blows me a way.  They also found a pathway below the surface that would have been just wide enough for people to walk along.  The rest of the sea floor would have been too steep on the sides.  I think that's pretty amazing!

I'm thankful today that we can find this evidence.  He didn't have to leave it for us.  But He knew there would be people like me who needed it.  I don't trust Him blindly.  I can find proof left and right that the stories in the bible are not just stories.  They really happened.  And that makes God real!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Yet another way I know God is real

So lately I have been having these doubts about my faith.  I believe in Him.  I believe His word is true.  But then there are these thoughts and questions that nag at me.  Like sometimes I'll have some huge question about the universe or about things that are eternal and I won't know what I believe the answer is.  Or sometimes I will wonder just for a moment, "What if everything I believe just isn't true?" It's a dark and scary place to be.  I don't like it.  At times I've pushed those thoughts out of my head and avoided them with some sort of distraction.

Lately they've been very overwhelming and I have not been able to just brush them aside.  And instead of pretending like they aren't there, I've been taking all of these questions, all of these thoughts, all of these doubts... to Him.  So what has the outcome been?  I'm still in it right now so I don't have an absolute resolution to it, but ultimately I feel He is drawing me closer to Him.  I see Him working in my life in new ways despite my questions.

 Today was just one example of this.  I've been reading the book of Exodus.  I've been totally intrigued by how weak and doubtful Moses was.  At one point Moses is crying out to God and God asks him, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.  Raise up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground." (Exodus 14:15-17 NIV)  Moses heard directly from God and he was still fearful and still had doubts that God would do what He said He would do.  He's a lot like me.  This totally encouraged me.  But what really blew me away was maybe 20 minutes later I picked up a devotional written by Ruth Bell Graham called "Letters from Ruth's Attic" and just randomly flipped to a page in it.  She was writing about how sometimes we have a tendency to pray to God all the time and not doing anything He is asking us to do.  She talked about how sometimes God wants us to stop praying when prompted and obediently step out with our actions.  I was like, "Wow that reminds me of what I just read about Moses."  And I kid you not, a few lines down she quotes the exact verse I had just read on my own.

Coincidence?  Maybe, but I don't think so.  That's what my brain might say, but my heart knows otherwise.  And the truth of it is, I've had thousands of these "coincidences" in my life.  And every other believer I know out there has experienced just as many.  They all add up together, along with the truth and evidence found in the Bible, to lead me to the only conclusion that I can... God is real.  He proves it every single day in my life.  He is very much alive and working and He will fulfill every promise in His word.  I am actually thankful even for the doubts and fears.  They make me seek His face.  They draw me in to Him.  And my greatest prayer today for anyone else who feels the same way, is that they take it to His throne, with an open mind and heart.  He says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7 NIV)