I have wanted my husband to quit his job search a few times during the last 9 months, but never more than I did this weekend. I literally told R. that I'm drawing a line in the sand. "I'm done done done with it." I don't know what that would mean for us because we still live where we do in a situation that is unsustainable for a healthy family life and too far from our church for us to ever be part of the community there. But it has felt many times like it would be much easier to just give up and accept things the way they are than to trust God will miraculously open a door for us to move on to something better for us.
And that is how I felt this weekend. I told God and I told R. that I am finished with this. We are currently waiting on a possible position at a church that is just about the only one we've both felt really positive about the entire of 2017. And we haven't heard anything in over two weeks. We were told we would be contacted to set up a Facetime interview together with them, but again that was almost three weeks ago. This isn't the first time R. has been told he would for sure hear back from someone. In fact it's happened a few times and despite him following up numerous times, we never heard anything. Doors shut.
Dealing with disappointment of a closed door is actually way easier than waiting to see if a door that seems like it might be opening actually is or not. That kind of waiting has a special kind of torture attached to it. And it's one I'm just so achingly tired of. I've had some tough talks with God. I've admitted a lot to Him. I've told Him I don't understand. I've told Him I feel like He's playing with my heart. I've told Him I am barely holding on to my trust in His goodness.
So we went to church yesterday and I was feeling all those things and felt sure I was giving up on this whole process. I had been up since 4:30 because that's when our 10 month old baby R. woke up to be fed and even though she went back to sleep we get up at 5 am on Sundays so we can get everyone ready and out the door by 6:30. My kids were begging me not to make them go to church, pulling covers back over their faces. They actually love church, but they hate getting up while it's still dark and being gone 12 hours every Sunday. It's a lot for them. So we get to the city and there's a street festival being assembled, which meant there was no parking. We circled for about 25 minutes to find a spot that was about a 15 minute walk from the church and hauled all five of them along the sidewalks until we got there. At this point I am just completely downcast. Why are you holding out on us God? This is so impossibly hard.
By the time we get them situated in their classes the service has started so I make my way up to the nosebleed of the balcony. Summon up everything in me to sing, listen to the choir, pass the offering basket, and then our pastor begins preaching. And he talks about how the Sea of Galilee is like the life of faith. When we get into the boat we are putting our faith in Christ and the journey is to the other shore and the other shore is heaven. But the waters are rough. They are so rough and they shake us to the core. But the bible reminds us the Jesus walked on those waters. He is standing on them, and he can calm them when He chooses to. Then our pastor said, "Is there someone out there who is ready to give up? You've drawn a line in the sand and you're done? God wants you to trust Him. He will answer you, but He wants you to trust Him and thank Him for the answer before you see any results." That was me ya'll. That was just for me. I'm certain of it.
That was me yesterday and I was so full of faith, but already only a day later, I need more reminders because discouragement is a sneaky, naggy thing that just keeps coming back. So I'm standing today and I'm choosing to trust God for something I see no evidence of. I don't feel like trusting. I don't feel like I have any hope. But my feelings are not reliable. I CHOOSE to trust God despite the fact that we have had nothing but closed doors, unreturned emails, promising things that turned out to not be promising. I'm choosing to trust God even though I am tired and I want to give up. I'm believing that He is working out our situation right now as I type this. And I'm going to keep hoping that tomorrow might be the day that He reveals that to us.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
In the Wilderness- I'm His child
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| From "Streams in the Desert" devotional |
Sunday, September 17, 2017
In the Wilderness- Middle School
So for the second time in the educational journey of my children, I had to send one of them to a school that I had bad feelings about. The first time was 4 years ago when we still lived in NYC. We had J. at an absolutely phenomenal school that we adored. I had hopes I would be starting a job there as I was planning to go back to work full time and had a great relationship with his principal. But my plans were not the ones God had for us. I found out I was pregnant with I. right as I was filling out my paperwork to return to teaching. Because the school wasn't zoned for our apartment, and I wouldn't be working there, the school asked us to to fudge our address so we could register M. (we never had to do that for J. because there was space for kids who were out of zone when he enrolled). R. and I agreed that we would get no where by being dishonest. God would have to open a door for M. to attend without lying about our address. Well, He didn't. So it goes sometimes. So I registered both boys for the school we were zoned for. It was highly rated, but I didn't like it. We sent them. They did fine, but I honestly never liked it and we moved anyway at the end of that school year.
Fast forward to this year. Recalling that I believed in January we wouldn't be here by the start of this school year because God was going to open a door for R. to find a new job, I didn't expect to be dealing with what to do about sending J. on to middle school here. We're still here, and it's September so things obviously didn't go according to my plan.
I had an overwhelming fear about sending J. to the middle school here. There were a few reasons why. Number one, I went to an extremely small private school in the area that costs gobs of money but was very safe, challenging, and nurturing. Number two, our middle is huge. I think there are 2400 students all together. Number three, I have heard and read horror stories about our middle school. Fights, bullying, 35 kids in a class, more fights, kids sitting on the floor of the school bus because there weren't enough seats for everyone. I could not send my baby into that place.
So I was discouraged we weren't moving, but I solved that by deciding to homeschool him. We started over the summer to make sure it would work well. First of all I am 100% not a homeschool mom. I'm just not. I'm a teacher, but I believe in actual schools. Nothing against homeschooling. I'm just philosophically aligned with my kids going to school. So there was that, but we tried anyway. Guess what? We were both miserable. I couldn't help that kid with hardly any of his math questions. I didn't really fair so well at math when I was in school. And then I have 4 other kids, two of whom are really little so I had about zero minutes to really sit down with him and help him.
I prayed hard about it and determined that this homeschooling thing was only meant to be temporary until we moved, but God had not opened that door yet so it was unwise to plan around Him doing something He hadn't done or promised to do. I felt like I needed to let go and send him to middle school. Where was R. in all of this? He always thought he should go, but being that I'm the educator of the two of us, he let me decide. He also has a habit of letting me figure out God's plan the round about way. It usually works best for both of us.
So the decision was made, but I was still worried it was going to be awful. I went to "locker day" with J. where they figure out where all their classes are and there were maybe 8 gazillion kids there. I was totally overwhelmed. Umm J. was fine though so I should have taken that as a hint that it would be fine, but I didn't.
The first day of school comes and I'm beside myself. I prayed all day that he would be fine, and find all his classes, and not get beaten up, and have people to sit with at lunch, and make it to the bus on time to come home. Oh yeah and I also cried a little when he got on the school bus. Sigh. I wait for him with anticipation to come home and when he does he was so happy. He loved it! He thanked me for praying for him and said it worked because he had a great day! Woo hoo!
We're a few weeks in now and he still loves it. PTL! He loves the independence, is acting so responsibly and maturely. I'm so glad we went ahead with it. We talked recently about the possibility that we might move mid year and he'll have to start over again. I feel awful about that. But I reminded him that he has had a few unique opportunities to be the new kid, starting over and God has always been faithful every time to help him make friends and find his place. I told him if he has to do it again, it will be hard, but God will be with Him just like He always has. And I also told him that someday once he's settled again in that new place there will be another new kid who knows no one and might not even know that God can and is with him/or her and J. can be a friend to that person because he'll remember walking in their shoes. That encouraged him greatly.
Waiting, trusting, hanging on to God's promises, making tough choices through prayer, living every day for today.
Fast forward to this year. Recalling that I believed in January we wouldn't be here by the start of this school year because God was going to open a door for R. to find a new job, I didn't expect to be dealing with what to do about sending J. on to middle school here. We're still here, and it's September so things obviously didn't go according to my plan.
I had an overwhelming fear about sending J. to the middle school here. There were a few reasons why. Number one, I went to an extremely small private school in the area that costs gobs of money but was very safe, challenging, and nurturing. Number two, our middle is huge. I think there are 2400 students all together. Number three, I have heard and read horror stories about our middle school. Fights, bullying, 35 kids in a class, more fights, kids sitting on the floor of the school bus because there weren't enough seats for everyone. I could not send my baby into that place.
So I was discouraged we weren't moving, but I solved that by deciding to homeschool him. We started over the summer to make sure it would work well. First of all I am 100% not a homeschool mom. I'm just not. I'm a teacher, but I believe in actual schools. Nothing against homeschooling. I'm just philosophically aligned with my kids going to school. So there was that, but we tried anyway. Guess what? We were both miserable. I couldn't help that kid with hardly any of his math questions. I didn't really fair so well at math when I was in school. And then I have 4 other kids, two of whom are really little so I had about zero minutes to really sit down with him and help him.
I prayed hard about it and determined that this homeschooling thing was only meant to be temporary until we moved, but God had not opened that door yet so it was unwise to plan around Him doing something He hadn't done or promised to do. I felt like I needed to let go and send him to middle school. Where was R. in all of this? He always thought he should go, but being that I'm the educator of the two of us, he let me decide. He also has a habit of letting me figure out God's plan the round about way. It usually works best for both of us.
So the decision was made, but I was still worried it was going to be awful. I went to "locker day" with J. where they figure out where all their classes are and there were maybe 8 gazillion kids there. I was totally overwhelmed. Umm J. was fine though so I should have taken that as a hint that it would be fine, but I didn't.
The first day of school comes and I'm beside myself. I prayed all day that he would be fine, and find all his classes, and not get beaten up, and have people to sit with at lunch, and make it to the bus on time to come home. Oh yeah and I also cried a little when he got on the school bus. Sigh. I wait for him with anticipation to come home and when he does he was so happy. He loved it! He thanked me for praying for him and said it worked because he had a great day! Woo hoo!
We're a few weeks in now and he still loves it. PTL! He loves the independence, is acting so responsibly and maturely. I'm so glad we went ahead with it. We talked recently about the possibility that we might move mid year and he'll have to start over again. I feel awful about that. But I reminded him that he has had a few unique opportunities to be the new kid, starting over and God has always been faithful every time to help him make friends and find his place. I told him if he has to do it again, it will be hard, but God will be with Him just like He always has. And I also told him that someday once he's settled again in that new place there will be another new kid who knows no one and might not even know that God can and is with him/or her and J. can be a friend to that person because he'll remember walking in their shoes. That encouraged him greatly.
Waiting, trusting, hanging on to God's promises, making tough choices through prayer, living every day for today.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
In the Wilderness- The Overview
I'm going to privately resurrect this blog because we are in the midst of a major season of waiting on God. A place that has us firmly placed in what feels like wandering in the wilderness and I want to chronicle it because I firmly believe God is going to answer our prayers and bring us into a new season. It feels so close I could taste it, yet so far away it's completely out of reach. I want to be able to look back and remember how I was feeling and how God helped me deal with it.
Long story short R. is prayerfully looking for a new job. We live 2 hours away from our church, where he works. Even when we did live there, it's firmly planted in the middle of a downtown area where it's very challenging to find parking and gain access with ease. Because of that and because now we obviously live so far away the kids and I can't be part of anything except Sunday services; we are praying about making a change so that we can all serve and worship together and be part of our church community the way we feel God intends us to be.
This has been a very difficult decision and one I have wanted us to make for years, but have waffled about it because I know how much R. loves our church. It's been the only family he has really ever known. It's been the only professional job he has ever held, and it has afforded him the opportunity to do many amazing things for the kingdom. But since having our kids (5 in all now!) I have felt so unbelievably cut off from it all and that longing to belong has lingered with me for years. I have held onto hope that someday God might open a door for us to move elsewhere. Living with 5 kids in a city where a 3 bedroom apartment averages 4k a month is just NOT feasible. Living 2 hours away from that city and still attending that church doesn't really feel that much more feasible for our spiritual health and well being.
So this past January, we decided together that we would prayerfully put ourselves out there, apply, and see if God would open up something for us. At first there were two opportunities at churches where we knew people and they seemed to me like either one would be wonderful. I'll be honest. I was naive. I thought R. would have this in the bag the minute he sent out a resume. I think he's pretty amazing. I guess in a way he's my special snowflake husband. No one is as fabulous as he is! But yeah, God had other plans for me (and for us) and those plans have consisted of months and months of waiting, closed doors, like really slammed in our face doors, uncertainty, wondering if God would ever answer, doubt, lots of seeking and prayer, and finally determining that there was nothing I could do to change our situation and nothing that R. could do either.
It. has. been. hard. I've wanted to will myself out of this wilderness place so many times. Like just give up and say "Okay that's it. There's just nothing better for us." So many aspects of our situation make finding a new position seemingly impossible. I won't bother with the details. So here we are. We are still waiting. I am still choosing to trust God. R. hasn't really ever wavered on that, but I certainly have. And I'm just going to leave this here along with every other post I make until God ends this period of waiting on Him with an open door. I trust He will. I want to chronicle this journey. I actually wish I had started back in January because He has taught me so much along this path I am on right now. Anyway, that's where we're at right now. Stay tuned.
Long story short R. is prayerfully looking for a new job. We live 2 hours away from our church, where he works. Even when we did live there, it's firmly planted in the middle of a downtown area where it's very challenging to find parking and gain access with ease. Because of that and because now we obviously live so far away the kids and I can't be part of anything except Sunday services; we are praying about making a change so that we can all serve and worship together and be part of our church community the way we feel God intends us to be.
This has been a very difficult decision and one I have wanted us to make for years, but have waffled about it because I know how much R. loves our church. It's been the only family he has really ever known. It's been the only professional job he has ever held, and it has afforded him the opportunity to do many amazing things for the kingdom. But since having our kids (5 in all now!) I have felt so unbelievably cut off from it all and that longing to belong has lingered with me for years. I have held onto hope that someday God might open a door for us to move elsewhere. Living with 5 kids in a city where a 3 bedroom apartment averages 4k a month is just NOT feasible. Living 2 hours away from that city and still attending that church doesn't really feel that much more feasible for our spiritual health and well being.
So this past January, we decided together that we would prayerfully put ourselves out there, apply, and see if God would open up something for us. At first there were two opportunities at churches where we knew people and they seemed to me like either one would be wonderful. I'll be honest. I was naive. I thought R. would have this in the bag the minute he sent out a resume. I think he's pretty amazing. I guess in a way he's my special snowflake husband. No one is as fabulous as he is! But yeah, God had other plans for me (and for us) and those plans have consisted of months and months of waiting, closed doors, like really slammed in our face doors, uncertainty, wondering if God would ever answer, doubt, lots of seeking and prayer, and finally determining that there was nothing I could do to change our situation and nothing that R. could do either.
It. has. been. hard. I've wanted to will myself out of this wilderness place so many times. Like just give up and say "Okay that's it. There's just nothing better for us." So many aspects of our situation make finding a new position seemingly impossible. I won't bother with the details. So here we are. We are still waiting. I am still choosing to trust God. R. hasn't really ever wavered on that, but I certainly have. And I'm just going to leave this here along with every other post I make until God ends this period of waiting on Him with an open door. I trust He will. I want to chronicle this journey. I actually wish I had started back in January because He has taught me so much along this path I am on right now. Anyway, that's where we're at right now. Stay tuned.
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