Letting Go: My little T. labor story

Well tonight marks two years ago that I began the painful journey towards meeting my sweet T. : )   As I was dropping M. off at school I passed the restaurant where Ricardo and I ate lunch exactly two years ago and the memories came flooding back.  So here’s a few snippets of that story I don’t think I’ve shared before, or if I did I can’t remember.

T. is our number 3.  J. was number one and delivered while I was blissfully drugged up with an epidural.  I had bad complications from said epidural and promised I’d never do it again.  So M. was a drug free labor and delivery.  He came fast and furious, but I had never gone through the whole thing without drugs so beforehand I was blissfully unaware of the pain I would endure.  Fast forward 2 years and I was planning another drug free birth, only this time I knew what was going to happen and what it would be like.  I was scared.  Ignorance is bliss they do say and this time I was not ignorant! 

In the weeks leading up to her birth I remember feeling a looming sense of dread.  I was ready to be done with pregnancy, but wanted to skip over the birth part of it.  Every time I would have contractions (which was often as I am a big contractor for weeks before my babies are born) I would pray that it was not time yet!  I remember feeling so relieved every time they would peter out.

They day before T. was born I had a midwife appointment and I literally poured my heart out to her telling her that I just felt like I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to go through it.  She listened and said, “You just have to let go and let her come.”  On the ride to the aforementioned restaurant, Ricardo and I chatted about this.  I was typically hormonal, crying about how our life was about to change and how all I knew was boys and that made me comfortable and how would it be with a girl?….etc.  But I ended my tear fest by repeating the midwife’s words, “I know. I know.  I just have to let go.”

I don’t know if that triggered some sort of release, but later that night the contractions began and twelve hours later T. made her entrance into the world. 

So here’s my little practical application that connects to T. birth:  Life isn’t always easy.  Sometimes we have to go through stuff.  We have to do things that make us uncomfortable, especially for God.   Instead of holding back and being fearful, we need to let go and let God take us through the rough spot, help us to do something difficult, whatever it is.  Don’t hold back.  He is with you.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:7

Pain

I think it's safe to say we have all suffered through some sort of pain in our lives.  We may have suffered physical pain or the pain of some sort of heartache or both.  I've written already about the pain of childbirth, but because that is the greatest pain I have endured to this point, I'm going to write about it again.  I've actually never dealt with any chronic long term pain issues and I realize that I may lack perspective when it comes to enduring this kind of pain.  An amazing perspective on this can be found in an awesome blog entry by a good friend of mine. http://stillonthewheel.blogspot.com/2012/01/healer.html

It is said that every mother who experiences a natural birth hits a wall of sorts when she believes and usually articulates in some way that she cannot go on.  This usually occurs right as she is nearing the end of her labor and if she presses on she will shortly be holding her baby in her arms.  As I've said, my youngest 2 children were both born without taking any kind of pain medication.  While I endured intense pain bringing both of them into the world, each experience was extremely different.

  When I went into labor with M. I woke up at 5 am with a contraction.  By 7:30 things got pretty intense and my mom took one look at me and said we better hurry to the hospital.  Thankfully my midwife lived in our neighborhood and we were able to pick her up and give her a ride to the hospital.  The drive was so wild.  I was having contractions every 2 minutes.  My midwife calmly reassured me that all was well, but I sure didn't feel that way.  At one point I even shouted at R. to run over the kids in the crosswalk because we needed to be at the hospital NOW!  Thankfully he didn't listen to me! ; )Very shortly after arriving at the hospital and checking in I remember reaching my " wall" moment.  I announced to R. that I absolutely could not go on with this.  He reassured me that in fact I was doing it.  In my head I remembered what I had read and prayed that I was almost finished.  God answered me and M. was born maybe no more than twenty minutes later.  What joy and relief!

 Two and a half years later as I waited to give birth to T. I worried endlessly that she would come even faster.  Start to finish my labor with M. Was only 5 1/2 hours.  This time I thought surely it would be 3 hours or less.  I made ten different contingency plans for getting to our birthing center in lightening speed.  My midwife reminded me that each birth was different and not to expect things to necessarily follow suit the way I thought they would.  I listened and nodded but in my head I admit I brushed her off.  When the night came and the labor started we made our way the birth center quickly and I fully expected T. would show up shortly thereafter.  Well I was very wrong!  Hours and hours of pain fully as intense as what I experienced with M. wracked my body.  Finally my "wall" moment occurred.  I begged my midwife and R. to just take me to the hospital for some pain relief.  I announced over and over that I couldn't do it.  Maybe last time, but not this time.  I prayed God would end the pain quickly and that T. would be born.  This time just as the last time God answered me, but in a way different than I was expecting.  Instead of ending my pain shortly thereafter, He gave me needed strength to endure it for five more hours.

 The lesson I have learned through these experiences is this:  When you are suffering through any situation and ask God to take away the pain you are experiencing, He will always answer.  He will do one of two things.  He will either relieve your pain and suffering swiftly or He will give you the strength to endure it longer. Most mothers will confirm an amazing thing that happens shortly after having a baby (assuming there was no out of the ordinary trauma). At first the memory of the pain endured is strong.  You can actually remember how bad it felt.  However, slowly as the days pass your memory of the pain and intensity wain.  Eventually while you can remember that it was hard, the memories that truly stick with you are the joyful ones of seeing your baby for the first time.   I believe that's due to the grace of God.  He says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12, 13 NIV84)  I think this can be taken to mean when we suffer physical pain, persecution, or any difficult trial.

 Our greatest joy should come in knowing that someday when we see His face we will never have to experience pain ever again.  In the meantime we will experience seasons of suffering.  Thankfully our God is merciful and will come when we call on His name.

Birth

I have given birth to 3 children.  The first birth was medicated.  I got the epidural to numb away the pain as soon as it began to hurt a lot.  I completely and totally understood at that moment why women choose to avoid the pain of childbirth.  It really, really hurts.  Through a series of experiences connected to giving birth to J., I decided to forgo pain medication for the births of my last 2 children.  A lot of people thought I was crazy.  "Why would you want to go through that much pain if you don't have to?" and "Oh no, not me!  Give me the drugs!" were probably the two responses I heard the most often.   There are so many reasons why it was the right choice for me, but what I want to focus on today is how going through the experience the way I did has transformed me spiritually and allowed me to understand God in a way I never have before.

I'm going to reflect back specifically on my most recent birth, as it happened, well...most recently :) and is most fresh in my mind.  As any women who has gone through the pain that comes with child birth can attest, it is a pain like no other.  It is intense beyond description.  The way birth is portrayed in TV and movies is really quite laughable, both in how neat and tidy it is as well as how little it shows the intensity a women experiences when she is in it.  I remember feeling at so many moments that this pain was so unbelievably impossible to bear that I might just rather die than go through any more of it.  So why oh why did I put myself through that?  Spiritually speaking,  I believe enduring that pain helped me connect closer to Jesus' agony on the cross.  I think the pain I suffered was surely less than what He went through, but in the moment of it I felt very close to Him and what He endured.  My midwife at one point (who I don't think professes to be a Christian although I could be wrong) reminded me of the crucifixion when I told her "I just don't want to do this."  I was honestly struck silent with what she said and felt for sure God had given her that thought to share with me.

 While I was in it, I remember wondering how anyone might be able to do this (even though I had done it in a similar fashion once before).  Yet somehow God carried me through the experience as He does with every other women who gives birth to a child.  When I look back on it I am both amazed that I endured and in awe of how God helped me so much.   I actually can't imagine being able to do it again because I think He only gave me the strength for that moment, a strength I only needed then, and not now.  Yet I trust that if I were to experience it again, as with any momentous challenge in my life, that God would see me through it and give me the grace and courage to overcome whatever I might face.

On another note, lest one should think that it is the women who is so amazing to be able to bring forth human life despite enduring such pain, I would like to suggest that it's actually the women's husband who has the harder time in the process.  I realized this fact after giving birth this last time.  I began to think about how much it hurt God to see His Son whom He loved so much suffering and hurting on the cross.  It wasn't that He couldn't stop that hurt and suffering, but He didn't, because if He did then it would be the rest of us, whom He also loved who would suffer eternally.  Still it must have been agony to watch and not step in.  The same can be said for my husband and all the other husbands out there who have watched their wives go through the pain of childbirth.  While they can be there to lend support and words of comfort, they are powerless to take the pain away.  Imagine what it would be like to watch the person you love the most in the whole world, in total agony and you really can't do anything about it.  He was helpless.  I know it hurt him tremendously and if the tables were turned I wouldn't want to be in his position.

The bottom line in all of this is that sometimes even if you have a choice not to, it's worth it to go through something.  When you're in it, you have the strength of God helping you in a way that you've never experienced before.  When you think you will not make it through, He will show you that you will.  And the best reward of all is that you will know Him in a new way.  So many people thought I was crazy to go through the pain of natural childbirth.  But I know deep in my heart that I know Him in ways I never could have if I had chosen differently.