A Confession

Have you ever struggled and grappled with something for a long time, but never mention it out loud because you feel like nobody will relate to you?  That’s where I find myself.   I’ve shared a lot about motherhood.  I think I’m pretty transparent.  I’m honest about my shortcomings as I have many and I think it’s just a waste of time to try and to cover them up.  But I’ve never shared this before.  Here it goes…

Sometimes I wonder if by becoming a wife and a mother I missed my true calling in life.  Doesn’t that sound awful?  I love my husband and kids with all my heart.  They bring me joy and they challenge me.  But so often I look at myself and think the role of mother and wife is so far from who I truly am.  I would never wish to not have my life, and yet I long for a life I will never have.  I find that sort of strange. 

I think part of it stems from the selfishness in me.  I’m not selfish when it comes to giving my time for perfect strangers, but I feel resentful sometimes that I must give so much of myself for my family.  Gosh that sounds so warped.  For most people it’s usually the other way around.  Which makes me wonder if God’s true intention for my life was to mother, to nurture, and to submit to my husband or whether is was to live out my life serving others on my own.    

Thankfully I suppose it’s irrelevant because that is who I am now.  That is who God is calling me to be from here until the end of my life.  He knew the path I would walk down and the path I have lying ahead.  Perhaps these roles that I feel so unsuited for are specifically suited for me, to teach me how to love and sacrifice in ways that are hard for me.  Thankfully God is always good and I don’t need to lament when these questions arise within me.  I trust this journey because He is on it with me.  Left alone on it I would certainly fail and take these amazing people he’s entrusted me with down with me.  But God won’t let that happen.  He makes sense even when I can’t make sense of anything. 

Thanks for letting me share that.   Hopefully you don’t think I’m the worst wife and mother ever.  I struggle with the notion that I probably am, but then I think maybe every wife and mother feels the same way about herself.  Can anyone relate to this?  

Journals

I guess it should be no surprise that I am a blogger.  Prior to the invention of the internet, I journaled my way through my teenage years in a hard cover journal.  My early journals mostly contained poetry and random blurts of my “deep” teenage thoughts.  I journaled through my twenties and my early walk as a Christian.  I’ve kept a journal for each of my kids that I began when I was about 2 months pregnant with them.  And now I’ve taken journaling into cyberspace with this blog. 

I recently dug out a journal that I began at 16 and ended when I was close to my 21^st birthday.  I want to share the very first and very last entry in my journal because I believe that they paint a picture of how lost I was as well as how much I desired to be found by God.  This first one was a poem I suppose.  I was sixteen years old when I wrote it:

                                               

                                                           Untitled

                                                Eager to see the world,

                                          Eager to understand it’s ways,

                                                 I cry out in silence,

                                                For I am trapped in

                                                  within my head.

I became a Christian just after I turned 23.  But in digging up this journal I believe I have found the very first written evidence of my personal journey to finding Him.  I was about to turn 21.  Of course I know that He had always been after me, but things got really serious for me after I wrote this prayer:

Dear God,

Please show me the way.  Point me in a direction that is good and just.  Let me make decisions that are full of purpose.  Let me make mistakes that will only help me grow.  Let me be kind.  Let me love somebody wholly.  Lead me to the answers I am looking for.  Teach me to teach others in a way that embodies all that you would want me to be.  Make me grateful and gracious for all that I have in this life.  It is a daily reminder of your love for me… Give me wisdom and strength.  Guide me down the right path.  Protect my faith in you and I will always follow. 

Amen.

I know it seems here like I was following Jesus with all my heart, but I assure you I truly was not.  I was searching for the truth.  I was crying out to a God who was still invisible to me because I hadn’t committed my heart to Christ fully.  The amazing thing is that only a month later I was on a plane to Israel where my life would be changed even more.  For those of you who haven’t read about that I’ll link the entry here: http://tilmyheartlookslikeyours.blogspot.com/2011/12/israel.html

I’m really blown away by the grace of God and how He has allowed me to look back and really see evidence of how He called me to Himself.  I’m amazed at His pursuit of my heart. He is so gracious. He pursues us.  He loves us.  He wants us to want Him too.  Most of all, He knows us.  And He answers us when we call out to Him.

J. turns 7!

I haven't posted in a while and I feel like I owe my J. a birthday shout out so I'll just share a little bit.  Every January 10th I get more sentimental than any other day because it was the day I became a mom for the first time.  I'll never forget the moment at 7:25 pm when with one final push he came into the world.  I'll never forget pulling him up onto me and looking down into his sweet little face.  He was so warm and slippery and perfect.  My whole entire life changed at that moment, yet I wasn't really even aware of it.  Ricardo and I often look at newborn pictures of our kids and comment how all their unique personalities are just stored up inside their tiny little bodies and yet if you look in their eyes you can see a glimmer of what they will become.

It's been a privilege, a challenge, a blessing, and so much more to be a mother these last seven years.  I know I've only scratched the surface of what motherhood will entail for me.  But I'm so very thankful that I've had the chance to love and be loved by such a sweet little boy and his brother and sister.  It's truly one of God's greatest gifts.

My little guy at a few days old.

Protection

Not my companion but this is pretty much
what they all looked like

Sometimes I ponder the ways God has protected me from danger that I am completely unaware of.  Truly we have no idea how He has altered our paths time and time again to keep something horrible from happening to us.  It could be many times in a single day.  I hope someday when I finally meet God face to face, He’ll show me a picture of how He protected me over the course of my lifetime.

Of course occasionally we find ourselves in direct situations where we experience God’s protection in our lives in a way that we can’t deny that His hand kept us from imminent danger.  This happened to me fourteen years ago when I went to live and study for a semester in Costa Rica.

It was my second day in the country and our group of American exchange students met up for an orientation to our new city.  We each had been placed to live for the semester with local families and because we didn’t yet know our way around or how to use public transportation we were supposed to be dropped off and picked up directly by our host family. 

As we were toured around the city I noticed something quite distasteful.  The city was chalk full of scary, mangy, feral dogs.  They were everywhere.  Now while I love a cute cuddly puppy, I’ve never been a big dog lover.  These dogs were down right scary to look at and when I saw one I tried to get far, far away. 

By the end of the long day of introductions and loads of new information we gathered in the city plaza to await our rides back to our homes.  One by one my classmates were picked up.  Finally I found myself the lone exchange student waiting on my ride.  This was the era prior to the common use of cell phones so the program director had to use a pay phone to call my family.  He returned and reassured me they were on their way and would be there shortly.  He then left me there in the middle of the plaza to wait for them.  Looking back on that I really cannot believe he just left me there alone, a young 20 year old women in a foreign country with absolutely no way to contact him or anyone else should something happen.

I waited for a while and it began to get dark.  For any of you that have ever traveled to Central or South America, the cities all have these huge plazas and after dark these places can become home to all kinds of vagrants and unsavory types.  Sure enough as it got darker I began to notice some intoxicated men and other “sketchy” individuals walking nearby.  At that moment I had that panicky pit of my stomach feeling you feel when you are in danger.  What was I going to do if they approached me?  I frantically looked around me and noticed sitting nearby was one of those feral dogs I had seen roaming the streets.  “Great.” I thought.  “I’m going to be attacked by a drunk and a dog!.”  I wanted to run but I didn’t have anywhere to go.  Soon a few of the loitering men began to approach me speaking in slurred Spanish.  But just as they took two more steps in my direction the craziest thing happened.  The dog jumped up and lunged at them, biting one of them.   The startled men hurried away.

Over the course of the next half hour or so the dog barked wildly gnashing its teeth at anyone who walked even remotely near me.  If nobody was walking nearby the dog stood or sat close to my side.  I could hardly believe what I was seeing.  I had never seen this dog before in my life.  It didn’t know me, yet it sensed it needed to protect me.  Eventually, probably at least an hour after I had been left by the director in the plaza, my host family finally showed up to retrieve me.  As I drove off with them, I made eye contact with that stringy, dingy dog and silently whispered, “Thank you.”

I believe with all my heart God sent that dog to protect me.  Don’t believe it?  That’s okay, but I just cannot chalk that experience up to chance.  Sometimes I struggle with why God places His protection on some and not others.  I know He doesn’t promise I will always have His protection physically.  Spiritually yes, physically no.  Thankfully I know that His ways are not mine.  His reasons are not always understood.  I have to trust that because He is God.  I did not create Him.  He created me.  Maybe He protected me that day because He knew someday I would tell the story.  All I know is I am so very thankful for that little dog and for my God who sent him to me.

Priorities

Today on the radio I heard the DJ talking about how life can get so busy.  He started listing things that commonly occupy our time saying, “…with everything going on with our family; like sports, tai kwon do, dance class, class projects, church, the dog needing this or that…”  I honestly can’t remember what he talked about after that, because I started pondering this idea of what we do with our time and how it’s so very centered on ourselves.  I also noted how he listed church near the end of his list and it made me think about how little relevance God really has in so many of our lives.  Like He is either an afterthought or someone who is an add-on to what we are already doing.

I read a book recently where the author posed a question: “If you knew that heaven was going to be a place free of pain and suffering, with all of the nicest things you can imagine, and all of your close friends and family present, but Jesus was not there, would that matter to you?”  I would actually guess that for many people it would not matter.  God, the one who created us, longs for us to want Him, trust Him, and look forward to the day where we will see Him, is an afterthought.  We think about Him on occasion or when we are in church, but our lives do not reflect that He really matters.

If our own children acted towards us the way we treat our relationship with God, our hearts would be crushed.  God is our creator and our Heavenly Father, so when we set Him aside I imagine He must feel the same way.  What if heaven isn’t going to be all about us and the good things we will have?  What if it’s going to be all about Him and finally being reunited with the One who loves us most of all?  Shouldn’t we be living our lives here on earth with that at the forefront of our minds and hearts?  And if we do, our priorities and how we spend our time will surely change.

I'm Ready

For the last month or so M. has been asking me the same question at least once a day: "Mom am I ready for school?" I always answer, "You're ready M. but you're not going to school today." And then he asks me "Why?" which I follow up with, "It's not time yet. You will start school after the summer is finished." He's usually satisfied with this answer, but today he said this to me: "Why do I have to wait?  Because I'm ready. I'm ready, ready, ready NOW!" I completely get his frustration and I certainly know what it feels like to feel ready for something to happen and then have to wait. We've likely all been there. We think we know when it's time for God to move on a situation and then we wrestle with frustration when He doesn't. I'm personally dealing with this as we speak. The truth of the matter though is that God is always moving. He is always working things out. We just don't have eyes that can see behind the scenes. And because of that we have to just trust Him while we wait. Knowing that our human condition will nearly guarantee that we will struggle with this, God has given us numerous scriptures to encourage us. Here are a few:

 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
 when they carry out their wicked schemes. (Psalm 37:7 NIV84)

 We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. (Psalm 33:20 NIV84)

Wait for the Lord;
 be strong and take heart
 And wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14 NIV84)

 I don't know if I'll ever get better at this waiting thing. I guess I'll just have to wait and see! ;)

The Planner

“We all know you’re a planner Kate”, my mom has said to me many times.  She views this as a good thing.  Most of the world views this as a good thing.  I’m a type A personality that likes to maintain control of my life and my future.  I save money when I have it and I rarely spend money whether I have it or not  I fret about if we have enough in savings, if we’re preparing well for retirement, saving for college, etc… I like the cushion to fall back on.   I’m a serial budgeter.  As I research buying a home, I am an addict of the mortgage calculator websites.   Again, Suzie Ormond would probably give me a thumbs up for my good financial standing in this world.

But you see there’s a problem with all of that.  Where does God fall into it all?  I’ve spent a great deal of time fighting and arguing with my self and my husband over this very question.  You see, God gave me a husband who while very frugal himself, keeps his eyes on the Lord alone when it comes to financial stability and our future.  I’m very grateful for this, especially in light of what God has been trying to show me about trusting in Him for what lies ahead. 

I think the pivotal point of change for me in all of this occurred when I walked away from my stable paycheck over a year ago to stay home with my kids.  I can’t say however, that I had a great change of heart and mind in order to be able to do this.  I planned for it.  I budgeted out the money to make sure we had enough to cover my time away from work, and in the back of my head I figured that I would be returning when the year was up.

As this year has gone by however, God has been helping me to trust Him with my whole heart.  He has been helping me to focus on more eternal things than just the well being of my self and my little family.  As He has worked on me in this area I have taken note of an interesting thing that has actually happened to our savings account.  While I had planned for a certain amount of it to be gone at this point, covering the expenses that R.’s single paycheck could not; our net balance has basically stayed the same.  How is that possible? Simple. God has provided.  He has blessed us in various ways this past year that has made up the amount we have lacked.  He has done that.  He didn’t need my planning and tabulating.  He needed my heart and my trust in Him.

So… last week I did something that some might consider unwise, unthrifty, and all together detrimental to the financial state of our family.  I submitted paperwork that stated I would not be returning to work as planned.  Will I ever go back?  I have no idea.  Only God knows.  I was a teacher before I left to stay home with my kids.  I did that job because it’s what I always wanted to do.  I have no idea if it’s what God wanted me to do because I never asked Him.  At this point all I know is that He has me home with my children, trusting Him to make a way for us.  If I go back to teaching someday it will have to be because He is directing me to, not because I want to or just because it’s logical and makes sense. 

From now on my purpose is one we should all have: to walk in His will for our lives, doing what He has called us to do.  Not our will.  Not our plans.  His.  For His purpose.  I personally have never felt such freedom and such joy as I do now. The fact is we can think we have everything planned out in life.  But, the truth is we really don’t have control over anything.  When we rest in knowing His plans are good and all we must do is trust in Him, we can have the kind of life we truly long for.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will see me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

                                                      (Jeremiah 29:11-13NIV84)

It's Not About You

I recently began reading Francis Chan’s book, “Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God”.  One of the illustrations Chan uses to put our life in perspective is to think of our self as a small character (think movie extra in a scene with millions of people) in a movie where the main character is God.   After an intriguing illustration of this movie that begins with the creation of the world Chan states, “The point of your life is to point to Him.  Whatever you are doing, God wants to be glorified because the whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift”.  What a good reminder that I am not the center of the universe.  In fact I am quite insignificant in and of myself.  The biggest mistake I can make in life is to think that everything is about me.  My life. My dreams. My family. God on the side.   Yet so many of us live that way.

 Dare I suggest that one of the reasons why the institution of marriage is failing so miserably in this country is because people have turned inward.  What is he doing for me?  Why can’t he love me more?  Why doesn’t he want to spend more time with me?  Instead of thinking about how each partner can sacrificially give of themselves for the betterment of the other person; we think about how the other person is not doing enough for us.  They fail us.  We give up.  The marriage ends.

In general our whole lives become sort of like this.  Instead of keeping our focus on God and what we can do for Him, we focus on our self and what He can do for us.  We miss the whole point.  For example, when we face decisions either big or small, do we even inquire about what God would have us do?  Should I take this job?  Should we move there?  Should I buy this or that?  What about our day?  Do we give it to Him to do as He pleases with it, or do we go about it as we please?

As I journey through the bible, I have been reading about David.  I can’t think of anyone else whose heart was more dedicated to the Lord than David’s was.  David didn’t do anything without asking God first if he should or not.  Over and over I read lines similar to this one.: “…David inquired of the Lord.  Shall I go…? …Where shall I go?” (2Sam 2:1)  He didn’t do this because he was fearful or superstitious.  He asked God’s direction because He desired the direction God had for him.  He knew this was the only way to live. 

Many of us (including myself regularly) need a heart check.   Are we actually consulting with the Master Planner of the Universe about what we are to do?  When we ask do we really desire His answer or one that we have drawn up for Him?  As Chan states, in the grand scheme of the universe we are not here for very long.  He equates our life to “two-fifths-of-a-second” in a movie.  He says, “We have only our two-fifths-of-a second-long scene to live.  I don’t know about you, I want my two-fifths of a second to be about my making much of God.” 

The only reason David is even worth mentioning at all is because God used Him tremendously.  And the only reason God did that is because David’s heart belonged to Him.  Had it not, we might not even know about him at all.  I don’t know about you, but with such little time here on earth I really want to make it count for something.  I want it to be about glorifying God and fulfilling His plans for my life.  It’s not about me.  It’s not about you.  It’s about Him.

Easter Every Day!

With Easter upon us, I have been pondering the holiday more than usual…well actually not really.  As I see people preparing for their family gatherings, their church services; as I see them hanging up their decorations and the stores fill up with candy and baskets and eggs, I think about how the message of the cross gets lost in all of this.   It gets lost in something commercial.  It gets lost in tradition.  It’s not really about Him anymore at all.

But for me (and for many of you as well), it’s not about family or tradition.  The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ are on my mind every single day.  I think about it all the time.  So when this holiday approaches what I am thinking about are all the people who proclaim Him for one day and then go on about their lives as though His sacrifice meant nothing at all.  At one time I was one of those people and my heart aches that they might really know Him.  Because when you really know Jesus, His death on the cross is never far from thought.

And the bunny and the chocolate and the Easter egg hunts sting just a little bit.  Because while they are cute and nice, they take attention away from what really happened over two thousand years ago.  They make it pretty and it wasn’t.  It was dirty, and violent, and painful, and it was the ultimate sacrifice.  And they take away from the message that death was overcome, that eternal, everlasting, freeing life is possible because of Jesus Christ. 

I love living life with that knowledge.  I love Easter Sunday because unlike every other day, so many people are at least open to talking about Him and hearing about Him.  There are opportunities there for people’s lives to be changed.   So I’m excited for what He will do with it and I’m ready to be used by Him in any way He sees fit.  No chocolate.  No lamb with mint jelly.  No synthetic green plastic grass.  Just Jesus Christ who was crucified and died on a cross, but who is risen from death and is Alive!

When We Mess Up

I’ve been really swamped lately, so in the interest of time I’m going to see if I can write what’s on my heart in only a few words.  We’ll see how this goes! 

The other day I did something I shouldn’t have.  It’s not really important what it was exactly, but let’s just say I knew the moment I did it, that it was wrong.  I immediately felt horrible and asked God to forgive me.  I knew He had, but what happened next and in the days to follow was Him disciplining me for my action through some consequences.  I essentially reaped what I sowed, and I deserved it.  The funny thing is that all the ordered events that happened after I did the wrong thing were just as clearly from God as they are when He is blessing me or giving me favor in a situation.

So that got me thinking.  How quickly do we acknowledge God when He does something we want versus when things don’t go our way?  It seems to me that our society as a whole is happy to point to God when something really great happens.  Super stars thank Him for their Grammy awards and Oscars.  We say it His work when we witness an unexplained medical miracle or hear an impossible story of survival.  But what about when we have a string of bad “luck”?  What about when our circumstances prove challenging?   Then it’s, “Why would God do this to me or let this happen?”  “How could God love me and not help in my situation?” 

Have we ever stopped to consider that He is as much at work when life is a challenge as when it’s going smoothly?  The challenge might not come from our own mistake.  It might not be due to wrongdoing on our part.  But it could.   Yet so many of us only want God if He’s going to do things our way, on our timeline, and on our command.

As a parent I certainly do not give my children everything they want and ask for.  I do not only involve myself in their lives to provide encouragement and support.  I also step in to discipline them when they are wrong.  I teach them that there are consequences for wrongful actions.  And I attempt to do this in love because I love them.  God is no different (except he doesn’t have to attempt to do things in love, He just does them).  As our heavenly Father He concerns Himself about teaching us life lessons.  This often includes correction.  If we are willing to keep our eyes peeled, we will notice Him in those moments. 

For me, Kate the doubter, always seeking proof of God’s existence; I noted that He was very much involved in my unsavory circumstances that followed my mistake.  He is always true to His word.  He is always there.  I know He forgave me for my mistake.  I know He desires for me to see Him at work even in the mess I’ve made.  And He is.

Falling off the Mountain

As my family waits for God to do a number of things, I’ve been able to find a lot of peace in the waiting time.  I’ve received instruction and encouragement from Him and been able to let go of my urge to plan and see how the future will play out.  I’ve literally been amazed at the work He’s been doing and riding high on what He’s accomplished in my life and in my heart…until the other day when we had a wrench thrown in to our life that made me crumble into a little helpless heap of faithlessness.

Honestly it wasn’t like an end of the world occurrence, but with all of the uncertainty we have about future plans and projects, this was something I thought was in the works, ironed out, not even a second thought kind of thing.  Our oldest, J., attends a school outside of our school zone and M. our second is set to begin pre-K in the fall.  I have always assumed without much thought that M. would get into this school because policies have been in place that give preference to kids whose siblings are in attendance.  Then a few days ago as I got ready to submit our application for M I read that the rules for this had just changed.  No more preference for M., which meant because we were out of the school zone, no shot in the natural for him to get in.  Last year 300 families applied for 18 spots and those spots are given first to children living in the school zone.  So suddenly, the plan I had in place all along was no longer for sure.  In fact it had now become highly unlikely.  What to do with M.?  And this doesn’t only affect us this year, but the following year as well as we’d have to reapply for Kindergarten and then again when T. is of school age.

I didn’t take this news well.   In fact I completely freaked out.  I started planning and strategizing and telling R. that nothing seemed like a good plan or idea.  I cried.  I told him I wish we could just pick up and move.  And do you know what he asked me?  He asked me where the women had gone who was standing firm and believing that God as going to work things out? He wanted to know where that chick had disappeared to and been replaced by the quivering mess that was me sitting in front of him.  He left me alone to have some face time with the Lord and the story that He brought me to in a bit of a round about way was to that of Elijah.  So here it is:

Elijah was a prophet of God who God used in many very mighty ways.  The greatest that come to mind are when God told Elijah to let this really awful King named Ahab know that there was going to be a drought sent on the land because Ahab had turned his people towards false gods.  Then God did the most amazing thing for Elijah.  He sent him to an area that had a brook to drink from and sent ravens to feed him each day.  How’s that for God’s provision and faithfulness? 

Some time later (like over 3 years of drought later), God told Elijah to present himself to King Ahab.  So Elijah went before him and “When he saw Elijah, he said to him, "Is that you, you troubler of Israel?" (1Kings 18:17NIV) and Elijah said, ’I have not made trouble for Israel,’ Elijah replied. ‘But you and your father's family have. You have abandoned the Lord's commands and have followed the Baals.19 Now summon the people from all over Israel to meet me on Mount Carmel. And bring the four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal and the four hundred prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel's table.’” (1Kings18:19-20NIV).   At this point all of the people are following these false prophets and Elijah is the only one left who is a prophet of God. “ Elijah went before the people and said, ‘How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.’
But the people said nothing.” (1Kings18:21).   So they go up to the mountain top and this is what happened:

23Then Elijah said to them, "I am the only one of the Lord's prophets left, but Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets.23 Get two bulls for us. Let Baal's prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it.

24 Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire—he is God."
Then all the people said, "What you say is good."

25 Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, "Choose one of the bulls and prepare it first, since there are so many of you. Call on the name of your god, but do not light the fire."

26 So they took the bull given them and prepared it.
Then they called on the name of Baal from morning till noon. "Baal, answer us!" they shouted. But there was no response; no one answered. And they danced around the altar they had made.

27 At noon Elijah began to taunt them. "Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened."28 So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed.29 Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention.

30 Then Elijah said to all the people, "Come here to me." They came to him, and he repaired the altar of the Lord, which had been torn down.31 Elijah took twelve stones, one for each of the tribes descended from Jacob, to whom the word of the Lord had come, saying, "Your name shall be Israel."32 With the stones he built an altar in the name of the Lord, and he dug a trench around it large enough to hold two seahst of seed.33 He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood. Then he said to them, "Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood."

34 "Do it again," he said, and they did it again.
"Do it a third time," he ordered, and they did it the third time.35 The water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench.

36 At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: "Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command.37 Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again."

38 Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.

39 When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, "The Lord—he is God! The Lord—he is God!"

1Kings18:23-39 (NIV)

Wow!  Just amazing!  Elijah watched and experienced God do all that!  You would assume that he would have been riding so high off this experience that nothing could come before him and actually challenge his faith in God.  But amazingly as you read on, Ahab goes back and tells his wife Jezebel what happened and she says this:

"May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them." (1Kings19:2NIV)

Elijah should have laughed at this statement.  I mean really?  God had just ignited wet rocks right before his eyes.  He had proven Himself to all of the people.  He had shown Elijah that He would provide for him, that He was with him.  Surely this crazy women couldn’t lay a finger on him.  But Elijah reacted the same way I did. 

“Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,4 while he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. ‘I have had enough, Lord,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’” (1Kings 19:3-4) 

Despite all that he had seen God do, he didn’t have the faith to believe He would help Him in this situation too.  And that was me the other day.  I know my little quibble was not as big as what Elijah was dealing with.  But for me it was something and God knew that.  I read somewhere that when we experience God’s faithfulness or a victory from Him it is almost always followed by a defeat or a low of some kind.  Why is that?  Why can’t we just stand strong in the Lord?

I believe it’s to keep us at His feet.  We are prideful people.  We easily lose sight of our Creator as He is at work in our lives.  If we always walk in His victory, never experiencing the doubts and discouragements, we might begin to think that we are the reason for all this goodness.   So there is a purpose to the rollercoaster.  We must keep coming back to the Master.  We need His constant reminders of faithfulness. 

The school situation is now added to the list of things we are waiting to see God work out.  Going before Him that night achieved it’s purpose.  He brought me back to the patient waiting spot; away from the anxious thumb twiddling about the future.   He reminded me again, oh so patiently, that He has my life and that of my family in the palm of His hand.   And as I read this morning in the psalms, I am reminded again,

“Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.”

Psalm 27:14 NIV 

Stay or Go?

I've written a post already about waiting.  However, I think for certain this is probably my own greatest struggle, and probably others as well.  For this reason I think it deserves another look, from another angle.  I'm currently waiting for God to move in a number of ways in respect to a number of things.  The things I am waiting on are things I believe He has either put in my heart to do or burdened R. And I to do together.  Some of these things are also tied to moving out of our current home to somewhere else.  I've mentioned previously that God dealt with me about moving in my post  My Way or His Way?  Coming to a place of peace about moving or not moving has been very critical for me to have, in order for us to have a clear mind and heart and know that it's actually God moving when the time comes.

 All of this thinking about moving and big God ordered things happening has led me to think about when God called Abraham to leave where he was and go to a land he didn't know; but one God called him into.  "The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."(Genesis 12:1 NIV84). So he went.  Because he knew it was the Lord and because he trusted Him, he left all that was familiar to him and headed to somewhere unknown.  How many of us would actually do this?  With no knowledge of how something will work out in the end, how many of us would take such a huge leap of faith?  I'm a planner.  I like plans.  If I were Abraham I would be wanting a laid out map of the journey.  I would want to go over contingencies.  But Abraham didn't do this.  He just went.  And he took his nephew Lot with him.

 The other day R. And I were talking about some of the possibilities in connection to the possible move and I told him, "I don't know why, but for whatever reason every possibility we've discussed seems good, but doesn't quite feel right.". R. agreed.  I then said, "It makes me wonder if God has something entirely different altogether." R. reminded me of all the times in our life up to this point where we just felt a peace about stepping out and doing something.  "That's what we're waiting for." he said.   "We don't do something or go somewhere because it looks good or seems nice. We wait until we know that it's God, and then we go no matter what."

 A wise statement from a wise husband.  And what he said brings me back to Abraham who is now living with his family and Lot and his family and things are getting too crowded.  With not enough space for both of them, it's time to split ways.   Abraham makes a wise decision.  He decides to let Lot decide which way HE wants to go.  "Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company. If you go to the left, I'll go to the right; if you go to the right, I'll go to the left.” (Genesis 13:9 NIV84). Correct me if you think I'm wrong on this, but in allowing his nephew to choose first, Abraham is essentially letting God be master over where he will go.  And this is what Lot does, "Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, towards Zoar..."(Genesis 13:10 NIV84). Lot picks the land that looks nice to him.  He chooses the one that seems better. "Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom." (Genesis 13:12 NIV84). But most of us know what happened later on.  Most of us know about Sodom and Gomorrah and what a disaster of a place that ended up being.

 The big lesson in all of this is one about how we go about make big life decisions.  Number One:  We wait.  If God puts something in our heart to do or somewhere to go, He will do it.  We step out in faith and do our part, but ultimately He DOES NOT need our help to get it done.  Number Two:  We don't do things in life just because they look or seem good.  I can't tell you how many times I've watched both believing and unbelieving friends make "seems great" or "looks great" decisions. Things went well for a while, but eventually it became very clear why the decision was a poor one. If we love God, we must check our hearts.  Do we want to live for Him or do we want to do our own thing and involve Him only when we want His approval?  In my own life God faced me with this question and I realized that I truly wanted His way and needed to change my perspective from making my own plans to waiting on His.   When we do this, we can be confident that when our answer comes to what we've been waiting for, we'll know its from God.

Going to the Promised Land

I've been reading through the bible and I'm currently in the book of Deuteronomy.   My favorite chapter has always been chapter 8.  God brings me back to it all the time whenever I need a reminder that every good thing in my life comes from Him.  I'm going to highlight some of the verses in it and how I've see them recently in a new way.

 A little background info:  At this point in the bible the Israelites have traveled out of Egypt and have spent a long time wandering around in the desert.  Despite that, God has abundantly provided for them, doing many miraculous things in their midst.  They are now getting ready to enter the land He had promised to them.  But before they do, God is speaking to them through Moses and reminding them of everything He has brought them through.  Here are four parts of Deuteronomy 8 that really stick out for me.

 1. "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." (Deuteronomy 8:2 NIV84).

 I feel like the journey the Israelites took through the desert can be likened to our own journey on earth.  The same reminder for them can be applied to ourselves.   The desert is like a symbol for our earthly home.  It's not perfect and wonderful all the time. It's hard and rough and we are left longing for something more.  That longing will not be fulfilled until we reach the Promised Land.  For us that is heaven.

 2. "He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 8:3 NIV84)

 The desert had no ability to sustain the Israelites.  They had to rely on God for provision, which came in the form of manna.  The bible is like our manna to help sustain us through our earthly journey.  It contains promises, truths, directions, encouragement, and best of all the ability to come alive in our hearts and point out specific things to us. That's why it's so important that we look to it every day.  Like the manna was only given to the Israelites to sustain them for one day at a time, so is the word of God for us.  We need it each day for the challenges of that day alone.

 3. "Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey;" (Deuteronomy 8:6-8 NIV84)

 I often wondered why the Israelites were so doubtful about where they were going.  God showed them signs and wonders.  How hard was it to trust that the Promised Land was going to be everything that God said it was?  Yet I have found myself in exactly the same place, questioning the goodness of the heaven that is promised to me despite seeing Gods faithfulness and miracles in my own life.  It's in our nature to fear the unknown and to doubt what we cannot see.  But God wants us to trust that what he has for us beyond this earthly life is good and more than we can even imagine.

 4. "When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."(Deuteronomy 8:10-14 NIV84)

 How many people with an abundance of earthly wealth really believe it has been given to them as a blessing from God?  Not many I would guess.  Again, It is in our nature to be prideful and to think that we have what we do because we've worked hard, earned it ourselves, and deserve it.  Receiving wealth and earthly pleasures while we are living runs runs a risk that our prideful nature will lose sight of where they came from.  It's no surprise to me that it's those who have very little material things that are more likely to live with a greater joy in their hearts because they have not lost sight of God.  They are able to find this joy in Him and not in things.  Thankfully in heaven we will be able to enjoy everything God gives us in abundance without running any risk of forgetting who gave it to us.  Unlike the Israelites who entered the Promised Land, when we get to heaven we will never forget who brought us there because He will be there with us!

 One last thought about my friends the Israelites:

 Before entering the Promised Land, while they faced the challenges of their 40 years in the desert, the Israelites often cried out to God, telling him they wished hey had been left in Egypt.  I never quite understood this. But yet again I am realizing how often we do the same when we are in the midst of a trial or even just living life.  We question Him.  We begin to question every promise He has ever made us and whether He is real at all.  We say:  Why would you do this to me?  If you were real then you would not be doing this to me.  And just like they forgot the parting of the Red Sea and the manna and water coming out of a rock; we forget everything He has ever done for us and how He's helped us before, simply because we can't seem to see Him in our current struggle.  We shake our heads at the Israelites.  How could they forget?  Yet we are just the same.  We are on the same journey.  A journey that God sees in its entirety, while we only see what is directly in front of us.  He sees around every corner.  And while we are shaking our head or asking why, He is telling us:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
 neither are your ways my ways,”   declares the Lord.
  “As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways  and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV84)

 He wants us to trust Him as we fulfill our journey here on earth.  His promises for what is ahead when we finish are more than we can even imagine!

My Heart's Desire

“Delight yourself in the Lord

and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4 NIV84

I’ve always loved this verse in the bible.  It’s a beautiful promise showing that God cares for what we desire as long as what we desire is of Him.  Recently however this verse has taken on new meaning for me, meaning that I think is much closer to the verse’s intentions.

When I was a new Christian I used to read this verse and think to myself, “As long as I focus on Jesus and find joy in Him, then He will take care of giving me what I desire.”  I desired a husband, a family, a home.  I knew those things weren’t essential for sustaining life, but I knew they were good and I believed that if I turned my focus to loving God, in time He would give me those things.  I wasn’t wrong in my thinking really.  God did bless me with all of those things and I am very thankful and grateful every day that He did.  But I think my mind was really saying, “God, I love you and I want you, but please don’t forget to give me these things that I want so much or I don’t know what I’ll do.”

I can actually say much to my own shame really, that I have even looked at others who might not have some of the things God has blessed me with and wondered if they were really content.  How foolish.  They clearly had a greater grasp on the fullness of joy in Christ than I did. 

Unfortunately, for me I feel like I missed out on the blessing that comes when we submit our desires so entirely to Him, that they actually become almost irrelevant, a side note really to our desire to please Him and follow His will.  Not that the desire is gone, but it is under submission to something greater. 

As I learn to love Him with my whole heart, desiring only to please Him, He has shown me His ability to change my desires to match the one’s He has for me or to take the desire away all together.  That’s the truth in this verse, not that I will get what I want, no matter how good or wholesome that thing might be; but that I would WANT only what He WANTS.

The greatest desire of my heart right now isn’t for any one tangible thing.  It’s not to be able to walk down one specific road or achieve one specific goal.  My deepest desire and greatest hunger is to be obedient to Him.  That desire He promises He will fulfill as I delight myself in Him.  And I do!

Rejected by the Swamp People

Recently I saw a news story on an exhibit in The Chelsea Market to support Louisiana tourism and promote a show on The History Channel called “Swamp People”.  It was set up to look like an actual bayou and had real live alligators!  I have a tendency of being pretty spontaneous so I made plans to go right then and there for the opening day!  M. was excited to go and is a fan of the subway, so even the ride there was an adventure for him.  We showed up ready for some fun.  Upon arriving at the entrance to the exhibit we read the sign outside, “Opening at 1pm”  The time then was 10 am!  There was no way we were waiting around for three hours.  The event was actually open but only for VIPs and the media.  Outside a young publicist looked at our dejected faces and asked if we could just come back later.  “Unfortunately we came all the way from Brooklyn.” I told her.  “Well since you came all that way, let me see what I can do.” she said.  Before I knew it we were ushered into the exhibit space.  I was ecstatic!  We met with a naturalist who started to talk to us about the alligators.  “We just have a to wait until the ribbon cutting ceremony and then I can show them to you.” she said to Miles.  He gave her a big smile and squeezed my hand.  So we waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  At one point, probably noting that I looked very out of place as the only person there with children, the head organizer came over and asked me who let us in.  “Are you a guest of someone?  Are you on the list?” he asked me. “No” I answered and explained that the publicist out front had let us come in.  He went over to her and they had a hushed conversation.  She then returned to us with a sheepish look on her face.  “I’m really sorry”, she said “but you’re going to have to leave.  They are getting ready to start filming some stuff.  You’re welcome to try and come back later.”  I thanked her and feeling humiliated (even though I know I shouldn’t have), we made our exit.  No gators for my two.  I think I felt worse than they did.

While the rejection by “The Swamp People” will not likely leave a huge imprint on my life, I began to think about what it will be like for some people when their life ends and they find themselves rejected by God.  Thinking their name might be on His list, only to find out that it is not, will be the encounter that some people will have with our Heavenly Father when their life is up.   The bible says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.   Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord” did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’  Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:21-23 NIV84)

Some people might think concerning themselves with whether or not their name is on some VIP list to heaven is not something to worry about now or ever.   Some people assume it just will be, while others figure they’ll take their chances.  It’s very clearly written in the bible about whose name will not be there, “Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.” (Revelation 22:15 NIV84)  I don’t think too many people would argue that someone who commits murder shouldn’t enter heaven, but it’s clear that any kind of sin would put someone in the same category.  I personally can equate my past to at least three of the things mentioned in that verse and idolatry and falsehood are something I still struggle with.  An idolater is simply someone who puts the things of this life before God.  So we’ve all done that and many of us do that as part of our daily life.  And practicing falsehood is simply telling a lie or not being true to your self.  We’ve definitely all done that.  The only way to have any assurance that our name will be on God’s list when we arrive at the gates of heaven is to put our faith in Christ.  In doing that He will blot out the sin that would keep us from gaining entry.

What a relief that is to me!  I can expect to face rejection often in this lifetime.  It’s nearly a guarantee.  But I can rest assured that I will get to spend eternity with God.  I don’t have to live my life worrying about that, and as a person with a tendency to worry; this would be a big one for me.  But it’s not.  Here’s the promise I have, “He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white.  I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.”  (Revelation 3:5 NIV84)  So thankful for this reassurance I have been given!

Fake Kate

Last evening our pastor was telling us that the average person lies 23 times a day.  He wasn't just referring to conventional lying, but also not being true to yourself and acting like someone you are not.  We've likely all done both, but being fake is something I spent most of my life excelling in.  I can remember at a very young age being able to "read" people and figure out what made them tick.  I quickly could assert someones likes and dislikes, and before they could find out a lick about me; I became on the surface someone they wanted to be friends with.  This "chameleon" effect was never utilized more than when I was a teenager and young adult seeking out relationships of the opposite sex.  I knew exactly what to say in order to woo a boy into thinking I was the one for him.  Never mind that I had no actual common interests with the fellow or that our conversations bored me to death.  My goal was to convince him that he couldn't live without me and I was very good at doing just that.  

 Why did I do that? If I encountered people that were not compatible with me, why did I feel such a need to conform to an appearance that was so unlike the true me?  The answer is quite simple really: fear of rejection.  I was completely terrified that people would not like me for who I really was, so instead of letting them see me, I only let them see a fake me.

 I'd love to tell you that finding God put a rest to all of that.  In some ways it did.  I did end up meeting my wonderful husband who saw all of who I was, even the rotten stuff and still wanted to marry me.  But as I began the adventure of motherhood, the old insecurities reared their ugly head again.  I did not really take well to becoming a parent and if I was going to give myself a mom rating it wouldn't have been a good one.  But Kate the chameleon did a great job at disguising this around other mothers.  You might have thought I was super mom!  Here are just a few examples of things I did: If I knew you only fed your kids organic everything, then I would bring only organic snacks and juice boxes to our play dates.  Never mind what was actually in my cupboard!  Same with baby food.  I pretended that I only had homemade when really I had stocks of jars in my cabinets.  I hid DVDs when people came over so they wouldn't think I let my kids watch too much T.V.  At one point I even faned ignorance to a friend when one of my kids told her child he was going to get a "pow pow" and I acted like I had no idea where he came up with that idea or word. Fake, fake, fake.

 But my biggest most shameful act of fakeness has been concealing far too often that I am a Christian and that it shapes who I am as a person and as a mother.  And I realize I've concealed the truth about both myself as a mom and as a Christian for the same reasons I acted fake as a kid.  I didn't want people to reject me or not like the real me.  If the way I mothered my kids was different than a friend, then I worried if that became apparent, this friend wouldn't want to be mine anymore.  Likewise if someone found out the depth to which I believed in Jesus Christ and they didn't believe in Him, then they I worried they would reject me.  These worries plagued me and prevented me from being true to myself.

However as I've grown in my walk with God I've realized that He is the only one I should seek to please.  I've feared rejection from others when I should have been fearing rejection from Him.   If I am true to who I am and what I believe, He promises, “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven." (Matthew 10:32 NIV84)  Instead of trying to be like everyone else, I seek to be like Him.  Hence the title of my blog: Til My Heart Looks Like Yours, because while it will take a lifetime, in the end He's the one I am modeling after.  "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48 NIV84)  With my focus turned towards that, I am much more able to be myself, to lay myself bare.  No more pride in being a chameleon.  I have many, many flaws and that's okay.  I don't have to impress God.  I don't need to impress people either.  And in terms of fearing rejection, I'll never be rejected my Heavenly Father.

 Lastly I'm going to leave you with the verse our pastor used to encourage us to be truthful both in what we say and how we act:

"Therefore let us celebrate the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth." (1 Corinthians 5:8 NASB)

J.'s Angry Birds Obsession

J. recently began to love the game Angry Birds just a little bit too much for our comfort level.  Those of you who are my Facebook friends, you have seen my status updates!  He was only allowed to play on the weekends, but during the week it became all that he talked about.  He strategized moves, discussed the roles of the various birds, and even drew depictions of the different levels on his dry erase easel.  As a former teacher, I have always been very wary of video games as I have seen them sap the creativity out of my students.  However, I do believe all things can be good in moderation, so we downloaded the game. He was thrilled!  Over the last two weeks he has played it every chance he was allowed to.  Unfortunately the obsession we saw that he had to play it, coupled with some instances of bad behavior led us to delete the game today.

The hysterics that ensued were both a little comical and sad to watch.  At first he started crying just a little, but as the reality set in that the game was not just on temporary sabbatical but gone for good, he began to wail.  Wailing was followed by begging, and after begging the threats ensued.  He told us, "I will never do anything else ever again!", then "You're hurting my heart!" and finally,  "I am never doing anything for YOU ever again!" More sobbing followed when there was no promise of his game being returned.

Watching J. deal with the loss of his beloved game began to remind me of how we can respond sometimes when God either removes something from our lives that is not good, or presses us to give it up ourselves.  After all He is our father and we are His children.  If He determines that something is unhealthy for us or that we are headed down the wrong path, it shouldn't surprise us when He disciplines us.  He does that out of love.  But just like my sweet J., we don't always see it that way; at least not at first.  Sometimes we respond to God's discipline by kicking and screaming.  But when we look back in retrospect, we can see why He stepped in when He did.

 I like the way this version of the bible describes how God disciplines His children: 

 "So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. It's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God." (Hebrews 12:5-11 THE MESSAGE)

 I hope someday J. will understand that we took the game away from him because we love him.  While his happiness is important to us, it is not the only thing we are striving for in raising him. We hope to teach him qualities of good character, patience, compassion, and submission, among other things.  God loves us even more and our happiness is not His main objective.  His main objective is to transform us into His likeness.  And He does this sometimes by taking things away.  Jesus says, "...and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit." (John 15:2 NASB). Pruning means cutting off and taking away, so that a plant can grow healthily.  We are just like plants.  We need to let Him prune us so that we can grow strong in our faith and develop all the qualities in ourselves that we see in Him.