Missing in Action

Wow it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted here!  We’ve had a lot going on in our lives the last few months and they were things I just felt like I couldn’t share right away because I was really struggling with them.  At the end of March things were going great.  I was getting ready to submit paperwork to return to work full time, teaching in J.s school.  We were considering selling our apartment to some friends and actually buying a home in our neighborhood.  It was exciting!  And then about two days after my last post I found out very obviously un-expectantly that we are in fact expecting our fourth child in early December.

 I was completed floored.  I cried.  In one moment all of the plans that were underway came to a halt.  I promised myself I would have a positive outlook about it, but it’s silly to make promises about how you are going to feel about something.  I failed to keep it within a day.  I felt guilty about feeling bad about being pregnant.  I felt guilty because I have a few friends who have been trying for years to have a baby and I’m having another one.  I cried some more.  All of my struggles to be content in our small living space came flooding back and to be honest with you are still with me at this very moment.  There's no more space in the kid's bedroom for another kid (My children have solved this by stating they will just let the baby sleep in their bed ; ) Worries over finances hit me like a ton of bricks because I never planned to stay home long term and now with four little ones, returning to work full time seems unrealistic and quite honestly not what God wants me to do. 

We then found out that M. cannot get a spot in J.s school for the fall unless we falsify our address (which the school flat out encouraged us to do).  God has always paved ways for us and we’ve always been honest, so that is just not an option.  The kids will be switching schools and I’m not happy about it.  I love the school we’re in.

 

I wish this post had some great wrap up of revelation on how I’ve gained perspective that God is going to work things out.  My mind knows this is true, but my emotions and hormones are fighting against that every day.  I do know that a new life is always a blessing and somehow I will survive the rest of this pregnancy and the newborn months.  I’m really not good at being pregnant and I’m even worse at being sleep deprived, so bear with me.  The next year is going to be a rollercoaster for me, but I plan to take you all on the ride.  I’m going to be real and it probably won’t be pretty. Go easy on me.

There Was Another J.

I really believe God is working out a situation in our lives.  I believe He is going to come through.  But I’ve been remembering lately about a time in our lives not long ago when we felt sure He was going to do something, and He did not. 

Three years ago Ricardo and I, along with J. and M. served at Royal Family Kids Camp (as we did every year).  As I’ve mentioned before, this camp serves children from NYC’s foster care system.  Probably in part due to our experience at this camp, Ricardo and I have always said someday we’d like to adopt.  We expected this would happen down the line in our lives.  Never in a million years did we expect that summer to meet and fall in love with the most amazing ten-year old girl.  She touched both of us so much and we didn’t even know at first that the other one had experienced the same thing.

When we returned from camp we decided we would pray about whether or not we should adopt her.  Truthfully we didn’t even know if this was possible.   Most of the children who come to camp are only in foster care temporarily and are on their way back to their biological families.  Some of them are in the system, but live with relatives.  Still, we decided to inquire.

We were completely shocked to find out that our girl J. was legally emancipated from her mother and was up for adoption.  Furthermore there had been some conflict with her foster mom and although she had plans to adopt J, J. had expressed sentiments that her foster mom did not want her.  We felt this was God’s plan, His will that she was meant to be ours.  We were excited and emotional and we began to take the necessary steps to initiate the adoption process. 

For months we didn’t know what was happening, but we still believed somehow God was going to make it all come together.  At one point it seemed J.’s foster mom was going to adopt her after all, then it was stalled in the courts.  They attended counseling.  More months passed and we still didn’t know what the results would be, but again we really felt this was of God so we just trusted He would work it out.  Finally one Sunday almost a year after we first met J., we received the news that the adoption with her foster mom was going to go through.  I was devastated.  I wept.  I didn’t understand why God had allowed things to go the way they did.  I had been certain He was planning to make her part of our family. 

The only thing that made me feel better was to give it to God.  I told Him I didn’t understand.  I told Him I was upset because I was sure this was from Him.  I also told Him that no matter what, I trusted Him even when things didn’t make sense.  As time went on I began to hurt a little less.  A year later I welcomed my daughter into the world and that helped ease some of the loss I had felt.  And the longer I live and look back on it I am able to see little reasons for why it was not meant to be for us.  I truly believe that when you put your trust in God, even the things that don’t make sense at first begin to have at least a little clarity about them with the passage of time.  It’s impossible not to see the way He weaves things together if your eyes are set on seeing it.  Even when we believe in faith God is going to answer in one way, and He answers in another, He is still good.

I really hope someday we will adopt a child who needs our love.  I believe we have that love to give and it burdens me greatly to think about kids who don’t have a family to call their own.  Someday….

Odds Are Against Us

So lately God has been teaching me a big trust lesson. There is nothing I find harder to do than trust that God is going to do something that seems impossible or highly unlikely. He's been accomplishing this objective in an interesting way. He's taken some "for sure" and "strong probability" of happening situations in my life, stripped out the things that gave them such a strong likelihood of occurring and made them now in the natural "highly unlikely" to happen.

 One of them I've written about a bit already and that has to do with M.getting into J.'s school for this fall. Initially due to sibling policies I thought we had this one in the bag. Except that policy changed in March and now we are one of 400 applicants vying for only 18 spots. Doesn't look to good for us does it?

 The other has to do with a position I've applied for. Now normally the position is ridiculously hard to get. It's been said over 750 applicants apply for each spot. But I have some unusual credentials for this position that put odds much more in my favor. That and I have a very snobbish tendency (really working on this) to get confident in the degree I have in my field from a "fancy" school and think that gives me an even better edge. A challenge to secure this position? Yes, but odds leaning slightly more in my favor than away. Except the catch. I didn't find the position or apply for it until 4 days after the application deadline. So now supposedly I'm totally out of the running. Probably not going to happen.

 Normally this would freak me out. But thankfully I've been embracing the lesson I'm learning. I've found I'm not so unlike David who in one instance similarly trusted in numbers instead of in God.

 "But when it was all done, David was overwhelmed with guilt because he had counted the people, replacing trust with statistics. And David prayed to God, "I have sinned badly in what I have just done. But now God forgive my guilt—I've been really stupid." (2 Samuel 24:10 MSG)

 In my own life God has been taking these situations that I would normally assume I had a good shot at being successful in and made them so unlikely to happen that if they do I'll KNOW that it's God and not probability. I really believe He's going to come through somehow in both these instances. If He doesn't, then I'll know He has something else planned. Either way I'm victorious because I'm trusting Him and He's paving the way!