A Confession

Have you ever struggled and grappled with something for a long time, but never mention it out loud because you feel like nobody will relate to you?  That’s where I find myself.   I’ve shared a lot about motherhood.  I think I’m pretty transparent.  I’m honest about my shortcomings as I have many and I think it’s just a waste of time to try and to cover them up.  But I’ve never shared this before.  Here it goes…

Sometimes I wonder if by becoming a wife and a mother I missed my true calling in life.  Doesn’t that sound awful?  I love my husband and kids with all my heart.  They bring me joy and they challenge me.  But so often I look at myself and think the role of mother and wife is so far from who I truly am.  I would never wish to not have my life, and yet I long for a life I will never have.  I find that sort of strange. 

I think part of it stems from the selfishness in me.  I’m not selfish when it comes to giving my time for perfect strangers, but I feel resentful sometimes that I must give so much of myself for my family.  Gosh that sounds so warped.  For most people it’s usually the other way around.  Which makes me wonder if God’s true intention for my life was to mother, to nurture, and to submit to my husband or whether is was to live out my life serving others on my own.    

Thankfully I suppose it’s irrelevant because that is who I am now.  That is who God is calling me to be from here until the end of my life.  He knew the path I would walk down and the path I have lying ahead.  Perhaps these roles that I feel so unsuited for are specifically suited for me, to teach me how to love and sacrifice in ways that are hard for me.  Thankfully God is always good and I don’t need to lament when these questions arise within me.  I trust this journey because He is on it with me.  Left alone on it I would certainly fail and take these amazing people he’s entrusted me with down with me.  But God won’t let that happen.  He makes sense even when I can’t make sense of anything. 

Thanks for letting me share that.   Hopefully you don’t think I’m the worst wife and mother ever.  I struggle with the notion that I probably am, but then I think maybe every wife and mother feels the same way about herself.  Can anyone relate to this?  

The Planner

“We all know you’re a planner Kate”, my mom has said to me many times.  She views this as a good thing.  Most of the world views this as a good thing.  I’m a type A personality that likes to maintain control of my life and my future.  I save money when I have it and I rarely spend money whether I have it or not  I fret about if we have enough in savings, if we’re preparing well for retirement, saving for college, etc… I like the cushion to fall back on.   I’m a serial budgeter.  As I research buying a home, I am an addict of the mortgage calculator websites.   Again, Suzie Ormond would probably give me a thumbs up for my good financial standing in this world.

But you see there’s a problem with all of that.  Where does God fall into it all?  I’ve spent a great deal of time fighting and arguing with my self and my husband over this very question.  You see, God gave me a husband who while very frugal himself, keeps his eyes on the Lord alone when it comes to financial stability and our future.  I’m very grateful for this, especially in light of what God has been trying to show me about trusting in Him for what lies ahead. 

I think the pivotal point of change for me in all of this occurred when I walked away from my stable paycheck over a year ago to stay home with my kids.  I can’t say however, that I had a great change of heart and mind in order to be able to do this.  I planned for it.  I budgeted out the money to make sure we had enough to cover my time away from work, and in the back of my head I figured that I would be returning when the year was up.

As this year has gone by however, God has been helping me to trust Him with my whole heart.  He has been helping me to focus on more eternal things than just the well being of my self and my little family.  As He has worked on me in this area I have taken note of an interesting thing that has actually happened to our savings account.  While I had planned for a certain amount of it to be gone at this point, covering the expenses that R.’s single paycheck could not; our net balance has basically stayed the same.  How is that possible? Simple. God has provided.  He has blessed us in various ways this past year that has made up the amount we have lacked.  He has done that.  He didn’t need my planning and tabulating.  He needed my heart and my trust in Him.

So… last week I did something that some might consider unwise, unthrifty, and all together detrimental to the financial state of our family.  I submitted paperwork that stated I would not be returning to work as planned.  Will I ever go back?  I have no idea.  Only God knows.  I was a teacher before I left to stay home with my kids.  I did that job because it’s what I always wanted to do.  I have no idea if it’s what God wanted me to do because I never asked Him.  At this point all I know is that He has me home with my children, trusting Him to make a way for us.  If I go back to teaching someday it will have to be because He is directing me to, not because I want to or just because it’s logical and makes sense. 

From now on my purpose is one we should all have: to walk in His will for our lives, doing what He has called us to do.  Not our will.  Not our plans.  His.  For His purpose.  I personally have never felt such freedom and such joy as I do now. The fact is we can think we have everything planned out in life.  But, the truth is we really don’t have control over anything.  When we rest in knowing His plans are good and all we must do is trust in Him, we can have the kind of life we truly long for.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will see me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

                                                      (Jeremiah 29:11-13NIV84)

Reflections on Being Home Bound

I get stir crazy very easily.  A day spent at home entirely in our apartment is enough to drive me batty.  Go figure that our household is now on day 16 of probably the worst sickness we've ever had.  I'm missing normalcy quite a bit. I'm a little down that another Sunday will likely pass and I won't be at church, no play dates with friends, a canceled birthday party, and a lot of time lying around.  So if from the confines of our quarantined apartment I can write something that might be encouraging to even just one person, I would be very pleased right now.

 I'm currently sitting on our bed typing on my IPad with one finger while softly patting the back of a very feverish 10 month old little girl who is lying next to me.  I probably haven't had more than a few hours of sleep in the past 16 nights and likely can't kick this illness for myself due to that fact.  I am going to be very transparent here and talk about how I've spent a great deal of time as a wife and mother mourning the life I had before I took on these roles.  Interestingly enough I have always longed to be both, but quickly found a lot of "grass is always greener on the other side" moments to second guess my decision.  Never did I resent being a wife and mother more than when I was sick and sleep deprived. Hence why I have chosen now to discuss these topics.  Why put myself out there about this?  Well I would venture to guess many of us have been there at one time or another and might be able to relate.

 For me when J. Was born 6 years ago I had a bit of a crisis in the realization that life would never be the same.  "My life is over!", I said to myself which can be translated in first time mom talk for, "I'm feeling very overwhelmed!".  I became resentful of every hour of lost sleep and every minute of time that was once allotted for myself, now being poured into my new baby.  Every month that went by I learned to adapt and adjust, but I honestly can't say that I loved it or that my attitude changed as a whole. I'm really sad to say that this attitude of mine went on through the birth of all three of my kids.  I'm not saying that I haven't had a lot of amazing and wonderful moments and I've certainly learned a lot about being a wife and a mother.   There have been many joys.  However a few months ago I began to realize that because of my attitude I was missing out on some very important things.  Forgive me, as I am certain that there are many of you who have long understood my recent revelations, but they have been new for me so I'm going to share them.

 First, God began to remind me that this life is not meant to be easy.  Challenges and trials are supposed to be part of our walk on this earth.  We are meant to take them to Him and gain our strength from Him.  "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV84). I actually really like this version, "Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." (2 Corinthians 12:10 MSG). So  I missed a lot of sleepless night opportunities to take my exhaustion to Him and gain His strength.

 Second, I started to realize how being a mother and a wife are each unique opportunities to understand God's love for us better.  He loves us selflessly, not because of what we have done for Him.  As a wife and mom I get daily opportunities to love my family in the same way.

 Lastly and I think most importantly for me, God has helped show me that the purpose of my life is not all about me.  Having children is helping me understand this.  Before getting married and having my kids I could do what I wanted, make my own decisions, focus on myself.  But married or single, with children or without, we shouldn't have this attitude.  The bible says "You are not your own.  You were bought at a price." (1Corinthians 6:19b, 20a NIV84). My focus shouldn't be when am I going to get more time for myself.  It should be on serving Him in any way He wants me to.  For me this starts at home.  It means not getting sleep for 16 days because someone needed me to rock them or give them medicine.  It means getting up even when I'm sick and driving J. to school and making his birthday cupcakes.  It means coming home and making R. breakfast even though I want to fall over exhausted because he was up all night too and he needs nourishment to get him through the day.  It means a lot of sacrificing.  And that is how God perfectly designed it.  He did it so we would understand the love He has for us.  After all no sacrifice we will ever make can compare to the one He made for us on the cross.

 With this new perspective I have found two of the most amazing things even in exhaustion and sickness.  One is called Joy.  The other is called Peace.  And you know what?  I wouldn't trade these two things for all the "me" time in the whole world.

Pain

I think it's safe to say we have all suffered through some sort of pain in our lives.  We may have suffered physical pain or the pain of some sort of heartache or both.  I've written already about the pain of childbirth, but because that is the greatest pain I have endured to this point, I'm going to write about it again.  I've actually never dealt with any chronic long term pain issues and I realize that I may lack perspective when it comes to enduring this kind of pain.  An amazing perspective on this can be found in an awesome blog entry by a good friend of mine. http://stillonthewheel.blogspot.com/2012/01/healer.html

It is said that every mother who experiences a natural birth hits a wall of sorts when she believes and usually articulates in some way that she cannot go on.  This usually occurs right as she is nearing the end of her labor and if she presses on she will shortly be holding her baby in her arms.  As I've said, my youngest 2 children were both born without taking any kind of pain medication.  While I endured intense pain bringing both of them into the world, each experience was extremely different.

  When I went into labor with M. I woke up at 5 am with a contraction.  By 7:30 things got pretty intense and my mom took one look at me and said we better hurry to the hospital.  Thankfully my midwife lived in our neighborhood and we were able to pick her up and give her a ride to the hospital.  The drive was so wild.  I was having contractions every 2 minutes.  My midwife calmly reassured me that all was well, but I sure didn't feel that way.  At one point I even shouted at R. to run over the kids in the crosswalk because we needed to be at the hospital NOW!  Thankfully he didn't listen to me! ; )Very shortly after arriving at the hospital and checking in I remember reaching my " wall" moment.  I announced to R. that I absolutely could not go on with this.  He reassured me that in fact I was doing it.  In my head I remembered what I had read and prayed that I was almost finished.  God answered me and M. was born maybe no more than twenty minutes later.  What joy and relief!

 Two and a half years later as I waited to give birth to T. I worried endlessly that she would come even faster.  Start to finish my labor with M. Was only 5 1/2 hours.  This time I thought surely it would be 3 hours or less.  I made ten different contingency plans for getting to our birthing center in lightening speed.  My midwife reminded me that each birth was different and not to expect things to necessarily follow suit the way I thought they would.  I listened and nodded but in my head I admit I brushed her off.  When the night came and the labor started we made our way the birth center quickly and I fully expected T. would show up shortly thereafter.  Well I was very wrong!  Hours and hours of pain fully as intense as what I experienced with M. wracked my body.  Finally my "wall" moment occurred.  I begged my midwife and R. to just take me to the hospital for some pain relief.  I announced over and over that I couldn't do it.  Maybe last time, but not this time.  I prayed God would end the pain quickly and that T. would be born.  This time just as the last time God answered me, but in a way different than I was expecting.  Instead of ending my pain shortly thereafter, He gave me needed strength to endure it for five more hours.

 The lesson I have learned through these experiences is this:  When you are suffering through any situation and ask God to take away the pain you are experiencing, He will always answer.  He will do one of two things.  He will either relieve your pain and suffering swiftly or He will give you the strength to endure it longer. Most mothers will confirm an amazing thing that happens shortly after having a baby (assuming there was no out of the ordinary trauma). At first the memory of the pain endured is strong.  You can actually remember how bad it felt.  However, slowly as the days pass your memory of the pain and intensity wain.  Eventually while you can remember that it was hard, the memories that truly stick with you are the joyful ones of seeing your baby for the first time.   I believe that's due to the grace of God.  He says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12, 13 NIV84)  I think this can be taken to mean when we suffer physical pain, persecution, or any difficult trial.

 Our greatest joy should come in knowing that someday when we see His face we will never have to experience pain ever again.  In the meantime we will experience seasons of suffering.  Thankfully our God is merciful and will come when we call on His name.

For Laughs Volume 1

I've been writing about some pretty heavy topics lately.  Today I thought I'd keep things light.  In response to my friend's Facebook page being hacked and subsequently wiped out, I began to think about how upset I would be if I lost all the funny posts I have made about my kids.  So I decided to compile them and post them here for safe keeping.  A little background on my kids in case you don't know me personally.  J. is my oldest and will be turning 6 years old tomorrow!  M. is my middle zany child and he is 3.  T. is the baby and she is 9 1/2 months.  Here they are:

1/9/12

At breakfast this morning, J.: Look M., T. is clapping! M: Yep...just like a walrus in the ocean.... He then proceeded to sing a self made song about vacuums... ?

1/8/12

So I thought M. had figured out how to use the Netflix instant view on our Blu Ray player because he is able to get shows on for himself. However I watched him do it just now and he just puts his fingers on all the buttons at once, presses them, and hopes for the best. Seems to be working for him though...

1/2/12

Reading to the kids tonight about John the Baptist. We were trying to get some major points across like how John was telling the people to repent and how he baptized Jesus. After much discussion on our part J. says: "Ewww that's so gross he ate locusts!" and M. says "His clothes look like poop.". We clearly have more teaching to do! : )

12/24/11

M. has decided to add the word "period" to the end of his sentences. Like he'll say "J. I am not listening to you! Period!" or "That's what I am saying Mommy! Period!" It's at the end of every statement he makes.

12/18/11

With all people, but especially with 3 year olds it's important to remember to pick your battles! (with M. who is riding in the stroller for the 3 foot walk to the car)

12/6/11

Me: M. let's get dressed. M.: Noooo! Mommy, boys don't get dressed. Girls get dressed. Boys get clothesed! 

5 minutes later...

Me: M. please stop spinning so we can put your shirt on. M: I can't! I can't! I'm a dizzy octopus!

...And the day has just begun!

12/5/11

I guess it should be no surprise to anyone that M. will eat arugula like it's candy.

11/13/11

M. just spent the last hour begging me to let him sleep tonight in the bath tub.

11/4/11

It's not even 9:30 and so far M. has (with a back pack over his pajamas and shoes on mismatched feet) announced that he is "going to Mars!", clinked his toy vacuum with my real one and shouted, "Cheers!", and hidden 3 open containers of play doh.

11/2/11

A lot of material for today! This afternoon as we were getting ready to get J. from school I hear M. in the refrigerator (as usual). Me: M. are you in the refrigerator? No response from him, just the door slamming shut. He walks into the living room with his cheeks stuffed full of something. Me: M. what are you eating? Not even opening his mouth, M.: Nuffin! Me: M. open your mouth. M. opens his mouth and I expect to see some candy or a cookie or something. Instead his mouth is full of broccoli!

Me: M. tomorrow you are going with your class on a trip to the farm. What do you think you will see there? M: I don't know (his answer for every question) Me: Well you will see pigs...chickens...sheep...horses... rabbits...baby chicks...cows... M: and elephants!

11/1/11

M: Mommy where did you put all the candy? Me: I hid it. M: (in a whiny voice) Why? Me: Because last night after you were supposed to be in bed, I caught you trying to take some. M: I wasn't going to eat it! I was moving it to the back of the counter! Me: Sure you were. M: Mommy please tell me where you put the candy. Me: Sigh...

10/26/11

To all my Trini Facebook friends- M. looking very discouraged at his dinner plate of meatballs and tortellini "But Mommy, I wanted channa! Where's the channa?" (Channa, eaten in Trinidad where my husband is from, more commonly know here as Chick Peas)

10/22/11

M. likes to take things and hide them. It could be the silliest little thing, but he hoards little items and puts them in every kind of bag, nook, and cranny imaginable. Unfortunately for me that included my wedding ring for over 2 months until he "found" it and currently my house keys. When you ask him where it is he says "I can't find it" and no amount of threat or promise will bring forth what you are looking for until he is ready to give it to you!

10/17/11

Today's revelation: Kids will eat anything as long as it is served between a hot dog bun. For example, turkey meatloaf is not tolerated...but slap it between a hot dog bun and it is acceptable for consumption. I might have to try this with brussel sprouts!

10/12/11

I wasn't planning on deep cleaning our refrigerator today but since M. decided to empty a half a gallon of milk inside of it, I had no other choice!

10/9/11

Today M. put the toilet plunger over the sink faucet while he was in the bathroom doing his business. I didn't realize he also turned the faucet on full blast until I pulled the plunger off of it... You get the picture!

10/4/11

Apparently brothers can steal even imaginary cupcakes.

10/1/11

I came out of the bedroom after putting T. down for her nap and caught M. digging in the refrigerator. Instead of doing what most people might do trying to not get caught by slamming the door shut, he saw me and quickly jumped into the fridge attempting to shut the door behind him! That didn't really work so well.

9/30/11

M. upon tossing his friend's Pablo penguin stuffed animal into the New York Harbor: 
Me: M. where's Pablo? M.: He's swimming. A minute later, M.: Oh no a shark is eating Ploblo!

9/28/11

Me: M. where is your underwear? M.: I take it off cause it's too wet. Me: Why is it too wet? M: Cause I peepsed on the couch. Me: sigh...

9/21/11

M. for Sale!  And to give everyone an idea of what you'd be getting in the transaction posted below: Today alone M. has stripped down to only his socks, shredded up a toilet paper role to feed his plastic sharks in the bath tub, applied glue stick to his lips, and pulled up the entire carpet in his bedroom to "clean" the floor.

9/18/11

Okay I'm not a grammar queen, but I think M. has created a gerund for going to church. Here it is in context: "When Daddy is finished churching he will come home and eat a banana." I think it works!

6/29/11

J. about a girl who was in his class this year: "Mariah has 2 dads and one of them is in jail." Me: "Why is he in jail?" J: "Well... probably because he parked his car in the wrong spot."

Time or a Lack Thereof

I'm working on a bit of a theme here.  It's called:  "Things Kate likes to complain she doesn't have enough of."  I wrote about Rest already.  Today I have it on my heart to write about Time.  Time is something we all feel like we want more of.  I was watching a daytime talk show and the hosts were discussing what would be the one thing they wish for if they could have anything and one of them said, "More time to get everything done."  Every relationship we have on earth is built and grown on the basis of time spent working on it.  Good marriages only occur when 2 people are willing to put in time and effort to make it good.  No child will ever feel loved by their parents just by being told "I love you."  They feel that statement in their hearts as their parents pour that love into them by spending time with them.  Friendships are built by time spent together.  And all of these relationships were designed by God to help us understand how our relationship with Him should be.

 I often feel anxiety when I look around my home and realize how much there is to do and how little time I have to get it done.  I make time for my kids, my husband, chores, and relinquish time for myself.  I regularly have thoughts that run through my head about how I never get any time for my own pursuits.  I neglect me. But in actuality the one who I've neglected to make time for the most hasn't been myself.  It has been God.  I've neglected to carve out time for the only one who has all the answers, the only one who loves me completely, the only one who can truly put my mind and heart at rest.  Why do I do that?  Why do we do that?

We have a God who formed and created us and desires longingly that we might love Him and have a relationship with Him.  He waits for us and what do we do?  We fill up our lives with busyness and think about how we will look to Him later, find Him when death is knocking at our door.  We put it off.  When we do that, we miss out on this beautiful relationship that He wants to have with us and assume, maybe falsely, that we will truly know Him when we see Him in heaven.   I think it's interesting that so many of us think that we will know who to even look for when our lives end, when we never took the time to know Him while our lives were happening.  He is very much present now, longing and waiting to show Himself to us.

God has set about to change me and my attitude about making time for Him.  I've been carving out time for Him all throughout my day.  As a mom of 3 little ones there is no chance to really plan a schedule of these meetings, so I make them happen whenever I can.

Sometimes it's very early in the morning when only T. is up nursing, or sometimes I talk to Him in my head while I make dinner, run the bath, or drive the car.

Sometimes I ask for little things from Him and marvel when He answers.  Like today when I got home from the supermarket with 20 minutes to spare before having to double park my car for street cleaning, and had a screaming baby in the back seat.  So I asked for a parking spot.  Two minutes later I had one.  Would He be less of a God if He didn't give that to me?  Not at all.  But I think He actually delights when we take the time to come to Him for our tiny burden as much as our bigger ones.  I think it pleases Him to show us He is listening by giving us an answer.

Sometimes I take time and just listen for His voice, whether that comes from His Word or a peace in my heart about something.

Sometimes I just tell Him how much I love Him and thank Him for loving me.

He's shown me lately how remiss I have been to think I had no time for Him.  I'm going to spend eternity with Him and the more time I spend with Him, the more that idea appeals to me and the less I cling to the time I have here on earth.   Knowing Him is not something that happens when we go to church or follow a set of rules.  Knowing Him happens when we determine we want that relationship in the first place and then decide we are willing to make the time for it to grow and flourish.

My Way or His Way

We are currently visiting with our best friends in North Carolina.  My kids are having a blast hanging out with their kids and it’s really nice to be away.  I’ve been looking forward to this trip for the last 8 months for two reasons.  The first reason was an obvious chance to see my best friend who has been living across the country in Colorado for the last 5 years and was planning a move back to the East Coast.   The second reason was a chance to fuel my deep-seated desire to move our own family down to this area.  You see for the last year and a half up until very recently I was on a mission to get our family out of the city. 

Here were my reasons why:  We live in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment with three kids.  That’s just crazy.  We have no parking spot.  We have to do laundry in a communal laundry in our basement.  When you have 3 kids that means doing laundry down there at least 3 times a week.  We have no outdoor space and I was sick of schlepping our kids to the playground every day.  I wanted a yard.  I wanted a long driveway so our kids could ride their bikes on it.  Also, the schools in our city are all over the place in terms of quality and I wanted to move our kids to better, more consistently good schools.  The list went on but those were the generally big reasons why I wanted out.

I begged and pleaded with R to consider it.  I created online real estate accounts and saved my favorite houses that were all at least triple the size of our current apartment and cost even less than what we could sell our place for.  I prayed about it, sort of.  I mostly kept telling God that He knew what I wanted and needed and that was it.  I looked up job opportunities for R, planned a budget for how we could live off one income, and generally just dreamed about my life outside of the city. 

Then about two months ago God began to deal with me on many, many levels.  This desire of mine was one of them.  For the most part my desire to get out was eating me up.  It’s all I thought about and wanted to talk about.  It was nearly the sole source of conflict between my husband and I.  At some point I prayed to God that He would either make this move happen or tame the desire my heart had for it.  He ended up doing the latter. 

What God showed me recently was that I could have my way or His.  It was my choice.  But the blessing was going to come from following Him, even if it wasn’t where I thought I wanted to be.  For now following Him means staying put, exactly where we are.  As I have relinquished that to Him, I have had total peace, which had been missing from me for as long as I had been pursuing a relocation.  I’ve also been able to look at the space we have with a new appreciation.  Most people in the world live in much smaller spaces with many more people.  My complaints, while valid to many, were actually showing how spoiled I had become. 

Today I was reading in 1 Samuel about Saul and David.  Both were chosen by God to be kings over Israel.  The difference between the two of them is that at one point Saul chose not to do what God had asked him to.  Because of this God was no longer with him and he lived a life tortured by jealousy and evil spirits.  In contrast, David always followed the path God had for Him and God stayed by David’s side, blessing him and keeping him safe despite many dangerous encounters.  I am choosing to follow God.  I don’t want to go my own way. 

So here I am, sitting in a beautiful house.  If I had come here 8 months ago I would have been very jealous visiting here with no plans of getting a house like this for myself.  Instead I am able to enjoy my time with friends wholeheartedly without longing for something that may or may not ever be mine.  

Beginning to Realize Why We Were Meant to Be

I always think it's wonderful and amazing when couples feel a specific burden to do something for God before they are even married.  I've heard so many stories about people that have a heart for this or that and then they meet their future spouse and feel and instant connection because they are both drawn to serve God similarly.  What confirmation that must be in deciding if someone is meant to be your spouse!

For R. and I it has been different.  I only doubted for about a day as to whether or not he was the one for me.  I prayed very specifically that if God did not will this, then I didn't want it.  I felt an instant peace and probably the closest I have ever felt to hearing God's voice as if He was saying, "I am not playing games with you, rest assured."  I never looked back from that point.  In the last seven and a half years that we have been married I have seen over and over again how God undeniably put me with the right person.  R. knows me like no other and has incredible insight into my strengths and weaknesses.  God has used him tremendously to shape me into a better person.  But the one thing that has been unclear to us, that has always been foggy, was how God was going to use us together to do something for Him.  You see, at first glance we have very different interests.  We have different ways of thinking and different ways that we go about doing things.  R. would share passions he had and I would just sort of nod my head, thinking that it sounded great for him, but felt nothing on my end.

 Bottom line however is that I have never doubted that God had something in store for both of us to do together.  We just didn't know what it was yet.  For over seven years we discussed things here or there in little bits, but still no clarity.  Until one day a few weeks ago I said something.  And then a few weeks after that little light bulbs sort of just went off and we began to work on a project together.  I don't want to give away details because it seems preemptive to start discussing something that is underway and unfinished, but working together on this project for God as been very seamless, very meant to be.  We have no idea where God will take it or what the final outcome will be.  All we know is that we are supposed to be working on it and doing it as a team.  Amazing!  We always knew God would do it because He always does.

For every married couple that serves the Lord, there is some greater plan that God needs to accomplish using both people together.  Otherwise He would not have joined you together.  It's not just to love one another and love your kids.  It's part of His eternal plan at winning souls, that the work that can be achieved with two is greater than what could have been done separately each one.  I think it's awesome and a great confirmation if you know what that is going to be before you walk down the aisle.  But sometimes, certainly in the case of R. and I, we just knew that there was something for us to do, and trusted that in His time we would know what it was.  It feels very good to see the beginnings of that finally come to fruition.

Waiting

Waiting is probably the thing I am absolutely the worst at doing.  To say it's a weakness of mine is an understatement.  But the funny thing that I keep realizing after something I've been waiting for comes to fruition, is that in retrospect I wouldn't change the length of time I waited or anything about the experience for that matter either.  When God has given me what I've waited for, meaning it truly came from Him and I didn't just go and get it for myself; I haven't wish it would have come sooner.

Case in point, my husband and I dated and were engaged for a total of 2 1/2 years before our wedding day came.  In the midst of that time I agonized about when we would finally be married.  "When will that day come Lord?" I asked over and over and over.  I prayed, and waited, waited and prayed.  I became impatient at times.  My future husband did a much better job at waiting than I did.  He was not in a rush.  He took the time to enjoy the experience for what it was, knowing well that we would never have that experience again.  When our wedding day finally arrived I was beside myself with joy.  But similarly I remember feeling like it had come in God's perfect time and I wouldn't have wanted it to happen any sooner.  7 1/2 years later I look back so fondly on the time we had before we were married that I almost forget how much I wanted to wish it away when I was in it.

I think in general we have a tendency to rush our way through things.  We look towards the future, towards things and experiences that we do not yet have, instead of focusing on what is happening right now.  And we get awfully impatient when we think God is not moving fast enough.  An example of this that I just read in Exodus (Yes I'm still making my way through that book) was when the Israelites were waiting for Moses to come back from speaking with God on the mountain.  Moses was actually up on a mountain hearing directly from God Himself and the Israelites got cranky and tired of waiting for him get back!  So in their impatience they coaxed Aaron into making them a false god out of their golden jewelry.  And the Israelite people, who had literally seen God part the sea for them, began worshipping this golden calf idol.  Is that unbelievable or what?  They ended up paying heavily for this when God got wind of it and He struck them with plagues as a punishment for doing what they had done.  Many of them were killed as well as a result of their foolish behavior.  All this because they wouldn't wait.

We are not so unlike the Israelites.  I certainly see myself in them.  We get impatient and we take things into our own hands.  We think we see what we should be doing and we go get what's ours.  But there will be a penalty paid for this kind of behavior.  When we rush to do our own thing we cannot see what lies ahead the same way that God can. In fact we can't see what's ahead at all!  And He will let us make our own choices.  He will also let us reap what we sow.  We also miss out on something far more precious.  We lose out on all the blessings that come from Him while we are waiting.  I've never drawn closer to Him than when I was uncertain about how something would come to pass.  I hope as I grow in Him, I will also learn how to rejoice and find rest in the waiting times.  It's a good place to be.