Journals

I guess it should be no surprise that I am a blogger.  Prior to the invention of the internet, I journaled my way through my teenage years in a hard cover journal.  My early journals mostly contained poetry and random blurts of my “deep” teenage thoughts.  I journaled through my twenties and my early walk as a Christian.  I’ve kept a journal for each of my kids that I began when I was about 2 months pregnant with them.  And now I’ve taken journaling into cyberspace with this blog. 

I recently dug out a journal that I began at 16 and ended when I was close to my 21^st birthday.  I want to share the very first and very last entry in my journal because I believe that they paint a picture of how lost I was as well as how much I desired to be found by God.  This first one was a poem I suppose.  I was sixteen years old when I wrote it:

                                               

                                                           Untitled

                                                Eager to see the world,

                                          Eager to understand it’s ways,

                                                 I cry out in silence,

                                                For I am trapped in

                                                  within my head.

I became a Christian just after I turned 23.  But in digging up this journal I believe I have found the very first written evidence of my personal journey to finding Him.  I was about to turn 21.  Of course I know that He had always been after me, but things got really serious for me after I wrote this prayer:

Dear God,

Please show me the way.  Point me in a direction that is good and just.  Let me make decisions that are full of purpose.  Let me make mistakes that will only help me grow.  Let me be kind.  Let me love somebody wholly.  Lead me to the answers I am looking for.  Teach me to teach others in a way that embodies all that you would want me to be.  Make me grateful and gracious for all that I have in this life.  It is a daily reminder of your love for me… Give me wisdom and strength.  Guide me down the right path.  Protect my faith in you and I will always follow. 

Amen.

I know it seems here like I was following Jesus with all my heart, but I assure you I truly was not.  I was searching for the truth.  I was crying out to a God who was still invisible to me because I hadn’t committed my heart to Christ fully.  The amazing thing is that only a month later I was on a plane to Israel where my life would be changed even more.  For those of you who haven’t read about that I’ll link the entry here: http://tilmyheartlookslikeyours.blogspot.com/2011/12/israel.html

I’m really blown away by the grace of God and how He has allowed me to look back and really see evidence of how He called me to Himself.  I’m amazed at His pursuit of my heart. He is so gracious. He pursues us.  He loves us.  He wants us to want Him too.  Most of all, He knows us.  And He answers us when we call out to Him.