Have you ever struggled and grappled with something for a
long time, but never mention it out loud because you feel like nobody will
relate to you? That’s where I find
myself. I’ve shared a lot
about motherhood. I think I’m
pretty transparent. I’m honest
about my shortcomings as I have many and I think it’s just a waste of time to
try and to cover them up. But I’ve
never shared this before. Here it
goes…
Sometimes I wonder if by becoming a wife and a mother I
missed my true calling in life.
Doesn’t that sound awful? I
love my husband and kids with all my heart. They bring me joy and they challenge me. But so often I look at myself and think
the role of mother and wife is so far from who I truly am. I would never wish to not have my life,
and yet I long for a life I will never have. I find that sort of strange.
I think part of it stems from the selfishness in me. I’m not selfish when it comes to giving
my time for perfect strangers, but I feel resentful sometimes that I must give
so much of myself for my family.
Gosh that sounds so warped.
For most people it’s usually the other way around. Which makes me wonder if God’s true
intention for my life was to mother, to nurture, and to submit to my husband or
whether is was to live out my life serving others on my own.
Thankfully I suppose it’s irrelevant because that is who I
am now. That is who God is calling
me to be from here until the end of my life. He knew the path I would walk down and the path I have lying
ahead. Perhaps these roles that I
feel so unsuited for are specifically suited for me, to teach me how to love
and sacrifice in ways that are hard for me. Thankfully God is always good and I don’t need to lament
when these questions arise within me.
I trust this journey because He is on it with me. Left alone on it I would certainly fail
and take these amazing people he’s entrusted me with down with me. But God won’t let that happen. He makes sense even when I can’t make
sense of anything.
Thanks for letting me share that. Hopefully you
don’t think I’m the worst wife and mother ever. I struggle with the notion that I probably am, but then I
think maybe every wife and mother feels the same way about herself. Can anyone relate to this?
I suspect you're less alone than you think, it's just that people seem to think that moms aren't supposed to admit those things "out loud." I struggle with this at times because my chosen profession is all about helping others and I find that I frequently can't apply that to my own children's little world. But, it is a season of life and as with all seasons, it will end and bring change.
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