Fake Kate

Last evening our pastor was telling us that the average person lies 23 times a day.  He wasn't just referring to conventional lying, but also not being true to yourself and acting like someone you are not.  We've likely all done both, but being fake is something I spent most of my life excelling in.  I can remember at a very young age being able to "read" people and figure out what made them tick.  I quickly could assert someones likes and dislikes, and before they could find out a lick about me; I became on the surface someone they wanted to be friends with.  This "chameleon" effect was never utilized more than when I was a teenager and young adult seeking out relationships of the opposite sex.  I knew exactly what to say in order to woo a boy into thinking I was the one for him.  Never mind that I had no actual common interests with the fellow or that our conversations bored me to death.  My goal was to convince him that he couldn't live without me and I was very good at doing just that.  

 Why did I do that? If I encountered people that were not compatible with me, why did I feel such a need to conform to an appearance that was so unlike the true me?  The answer is quite simple really: fear of rejection.  I was completely terrified that people would not like me for who I really was, so instead of letting them see me, I only let them see a fake me.

 I'd love to tell you that finding God put a rest to all of that.  In some ways it did.  I did end up meeting my wonderful husband who saw all of who I was, even the rotten stuff and still wanted to marry me.  But as I began the adventure of motherhood, the old insecurities reared their ugly head again.  I did not really take well to becoming a parent and if I was going to give myself a mom rating it wouldn't have been a good one.  But Kate the chameleon did a great job at disguising this around other mothers.  You might have thought I was super mom!  Here are just a few examples of things I did: If I knew you only fed your kids organic everything, then I would bring only organic snacks and juice boxes to our play dates.  Never mind what was actually in my cupboard!  Same with baby food.  I pretended that I only had homemade when really I had stocks of jars in my cabinets.  I hid DVDs when people came over so they wouldn't think I let my kids watch too much T.V.  At one point I even faned ignorance to a friend when one of my kids told her child he was going to get a "pow pow" and I acted like I had no idea where he came up with that idea or word. Fake, fake, fake.

 But my biggest most shameful act of fakeness has been concealing far too often that I am a Christian and that it shapes who I am as a person and as a mother.  And I realize I've concealed the truth about both myself as a mom and as a Christian for the same reasons I acted fake as a kid.  I didn't want people to reject me or not like the real me.  If the way I mothered my kids was different than a friend, then I worried if that became apparent, this friend wouldn't want to be mine anymore.  Likewise if someone found out the depth to which I believed in Jesus Christ and they didn't believe in Him, then they I worried they would reject me.  These worries plagued me and prevented me from being true to myself.

However as I've grown in my walk with God I've realized that He is the only one I should seek to please.  I've feared rejection from others when I should have been fearing rejection from Him.   If I am true to who I am and what I believe, He promises, “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven." (Matthew 10:32 NIV84)  Instead of trying to be like everyone else, I seek to be like Him.  Hence the title of my blog: Til My Heart Looks Like Yours, because while it will take a lifetime, in the end He's the one I am modeling after.  "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48 NIV84)  With my focus turned towards that, I am much more able to be myself, to lay myself bare.  No more pride in being a chameleon.  I have many, many flaws and that's okay.  I don't have to impress God.  I don't need to impress people either.  And in terms of fearing rejection, I'll never be rejected my Heavenly Father.

 Lastly I'm going to leave you with the verse our pastor used to encourage us to be truthful both in what we say and how we act:

"Therefore let us celebrate the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth." (1 Corinthians 5:8 NASB)