I get stir crazy very easily. A day spent at home entirely in our apartment is enough to drive me batty. Go figure that our household is now on day 16 of probably the worst sickness we've ever had. I'm missing normalcy quite a bit. I'm a little down that another Sunday will likely pass and I won't be at church, no play dates with friends, a canceled birthday party, and a lot of time lying around. So if from the confines of our quarantined apartment I can write something that might be encouraging to even just one person, I would be very pleased right now.
I'm currently sitting on our bed typing on my IPad with one finger while softly patting the back of a very feverish 10 month old little girl who is lying next to me. I probably haven't had more than a few hours of sleep in the past 16 nights and likely can't kick this illness for myself due to that fact. I am going to be very transparent here and talk about how I've spent a great deal of time as a wife and mother mourning the life I had before I took on these roles. Interestingly enough I have always longed to be both, but quickly found a lot of "grass is always greener on the other side" moments to second guess my decision. Never did I resent being a wife and mother more than when I was sick and sleep deprived. Hence why I have chosen now to discuss these topics. Why put myself out there about this? Well I would venture to guess many of us have been there at one time or another and might be able to relate.
For me when J. Was born 6 years ago I had a bit of a crisis in the realization that life would never be the same. "My life is over!", I said to myself which can be translated in first time mom talk for, "I'm feeling very overwhelmed!". I became resentful of every hour of lost sleep and every minute of time that was once allotted for myself, now being poured into my new baby. Every month that went by I learned to adapt and adjust, but I honestly can't say that I loved it or that my attitude changed as a whole.
I'm really sad to say that this attitude of mine went on through the birth of all three of my kids. I'm not saying that I haven't had a lot of amazing and wonderful moments and I've certainly learned a lot about being a wife and a mother. There have been many joys. However a few months ago I began to realize that because of my attitude I was missing out on some very important things. Forgive me, as I am certain that there are many of you who have long understood my recent revelations, but they have been new for me so I'm going to share them.
First, God began to remind me that this life is not meant to be easy. Challenges and trials are supposed to be part of our walk on this earth. We are meant to take them to Him and gain our strength from Him. "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV84). I actually really like this version, "Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." (2 Corinthians 12:10 MSG). So I missed a lot of sleepless night opportunities to take my exhaustion to Him and gain His strength.
Second, I started to realize how being a mother and a wife are each unique opportunities to understand God's love for us better. He loves us selflessly, not because of what we have done for Him. As a wife and mom I get daily opportunities to love my family in the same way.
Lastly and I think most importantly for me, God has helped show me that the purpose of my life is not all about me. Having children is helping me understand this. Before getting married and having my kids I could do what I wanted, make my own decisions, focus on myself. But married or single, with children or without, we shouldn't have this attitude. The bible says "You are not your own. You were bought at a price." (1Corinthians 6:19b, 20a NIV84). My focus shouldn't be when am I going to get more time for myself. It should be on serving Him in any way He wants me to. For me this starts at home. It means not getting sleep for 16 days because someone needed me to rock them or give them medicine. It means getting up even when I'm sick and driving J. to school and making his birthday cupcakes. It means coming home and making R. breakfast even though I want to fall over exhausted because he was up all night too and he needs nourishment to get him through the day. It means a lot of sacrificing. And that is how God perfectly designed it. He did it so we would understand the love He has for us. After all no sacrifice we will ever make can compare to the one He made for us on the cross.
With this new perspective I have found two of the most amazing things even in exhaustion and sickness. One is called Joy. The other is called Peace. And you know what? I wouldn't trade these two things for all the "me" time in the whole world.
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