Missing in Action

Wow it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted here!  We’ve had a lot going on in our lives the last few months and they were things I just felt like I couldn’t share right away because I was really struggling with them.  At the end of March things were going great.  I was getting ready to submit paperwork to return to work full time, teaching in J.s school.  We were considering selling our apartment to some friends and actually buying a home in our neighborhood.  It was exciting!  And then about two days after my last post I found out very obviously un-expectantly that we are in fact expecting our fourth child in early December.

 I was completed floored.  I cried.  In one moment all of the plans that were underway came to a halt.  I promised myself I would have a positive outlook about it, but it’s silly to make promises about how you are going to feel about something.  I failed to keep it within a day.  I felt guilty about feeling bad about being pregnant.  I felt guilty because I have a few friends who have been trying for years to have a baby and I’m having another one.  I cried some more.  All of my struggles to be content in our small living space came flooding back and to be honest with you are still with me at this very moment.  There's no more space in the kid's bedroom for another kid (My children have solved this by stating they will just let the baby sleep in their bed ; ) Worries over finances hit me like a ton of bricks because I never planned to stay home long term and now with four little ones, returning to work full time seems unrealistic and quite honestly not what God wants me to do. 

We then found out that M. cannot get a spot in J.s school for the fall unless we falsify our address (which the school flat out encouraged us to do).  God has always paved ways for us and we’ve always been honest, so that is just not an option.  The kids will be switching schools and I’m not happy about it.  I love the school we’re in.

 

I wish this post had some great wrap up of revelation on how I’ve gained perspective that God is going to work things out.  My mind knows this is true, but my emotions and hormones are fighting against that every day.  I do know that a new life is always a blessing and somehow I will survive the rest of this pregnancy and the newborn months.  I’m really not good at being pregnant and I’m even worse at being sleep deprived, so bear with me.  The next year is going to be a rollercoaster for me, but I plan to take you all on the ride.  I’m going to be real and it probably won’t be pretty. Go easy on me.

The Story of Love

Tomorrow and Sunday I’ll be acting in our church Easter production entitled: The Story of Love.  I think this is at least the 5^th or 6^th time I’ve been in this particular show.  It’s essentially the story of the gospel from the beginning of creation to the resurrection set to music.  The last scene I am in is the scene where the crucifixion happens.  It’s chaotic and it doesn’t feel like acting.  It feels like I am really there.  And that is really painful.  Last Sunday when I came off the stage I headed up to Ricardo’s office to change out of my costume.  Everyone is solemn when we leave that scene.  It’s hard to transition from how real it felt to the reality that we were just acting.  But there’s something that I do every time I’m in it.  No matter how many times we rehearse or perform, I always have to watch the end.  I know Christ isn’t still on the cross.  Oh how thankful I am that He is not!  But it doesn’t matter.  Even though I know the certain outcome of the end of the show, I need to watch it every time.  I have to see the risen Christ.  I have to see Him!  The show makes the suffering on the cross so real.  But thankfully he’s not on it anymore.  He is risen from the dead!  And he lives in all those who believe in him!

Here are some photos from the show.  All courtesy of Aaron Robinson:

Letting Go: My little T. labor story

Well tonight marks two years ago that I began the painful journey towards meeting my sweet T. : )   As I was dropping M. off at school I passed the restaurant where Ricardo and I ate lunch exactly two years ago and the memories came flooding back.  So here’s a few snippets of that story I don’t think I’ve shared before, or if I did I can’t remember.

T. is our number 3.  J. was number one and delivered while I was blissfully drugged up with an epidural.  I had bad complications from said epidural and promised I’d never do it again.  So M. was a drug free labor and delivery.  He came fast and furious, but I had never gone through the whole thing without drugs so beforehand I was blissfully unaware of the pain I would endure.  Fast forward 2 years and I was planning another drug free birth, only this time I knew what was going to happen and what it would be like.  I was scared.  Ignorance is bliss they do say and this time I was not ignorant! 

In the weeks leading up to her birth I remember feeling a looming sense of dread.  I was ready to be done with pregnancy, but wanted to skip over the birth part of it.  Every time I would have contractions (which was often as I am a big contractor for weeks before my babies are born) I would pray that it was not time yet!  I remember feeling so relieved every time they would peter out.

They day before T. was born I had a midwife appointment and I literally poured my heart out to her telling her that I just felt like I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to go through it.  She listened and said, “You just have to let go and let her come.”  On the ride to the aforementioned restaurant, Ricardo and I chatted about this.  I was typically hormonal, crying about how our life was about to change and how all I knew was boys and that made me comfortable and how would it be with a girl?….etc.  But I ended my tear fest by repeating the midwife’s words, “I know. I know.  I just have to let go.”

I don’t know if that triggered some sort of release, but later that night the contractions began and twelve hours later T. made her entrance into the world. 

So here’s my little practical application that connects to T. birth:  Life isn’t always easy.  Sometimes we have to go through stuff.  We have to do things that make us uncomfortable, especially for God.   Instead of holding back and being fearful, we need to let go and let God take us through the rough spot, help us to do something difficult, whatever it is.  Don’t hold back.  He is with you.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:7

A Confession

Have you ever struggled and grappled with something for a long time, but never mention it out loud because you feel like nobody will relate to you?  That’s where I find myself.   I’ve shared a lot about motherhood.  I think I’m pretty transparent.  I’m honest about my shortcomings as I have many and I think it’s just a waste of time to try and to cover them up.  But I’ve never shared this before.  Here it goes…

Sometimes I wonder if by becoming a wife and a mother I missed my true calling in life.  Doesn’t that sound awful?  I love my husband and kids with all my heart.  They bring me joy and they challenge me.  But so often I look at myself and think the role of mother and wife is so far from who I truly am.  I would never wish to not have my life, and yet I long for a life I will never have.  I find that sort of strange. 

I think part of it stems from the selfishness in me.  I’m not selfish when it comes to giving my time for perfect strangers, but I feel resentful sometimes that I must give so much of myself for my family.  Gosh that sounds so warped.  For most people it’s usually the other way around.  Which makes me wonder if God’s true intention for my life was to mother, to nurture, and to submit to my husband or whether is was to live out my life serving others on my own.    

Thankfully I suppose it’s irrelevant because that is who I am now.  That is who God is calling me to be from here until the end of my life.  He knew the path I would walk down and the path I have lying ahead.  Perhaps these roles that I feel so unsuited for are specifically suited for me, to teach me how to love and sacrifice in ways that are hard for me.  Thankfully God is always good and I don’t need to lament when these questions arise within me.  I trust this journey because He is on it with me.  Left alone on it I would certainly fail and take these amazing people he’s entrusted me with down with me.  But God won’t let that happen.  He makes sense even when I can’t make sense of anything. 

Thanks for letting me share that.   Hopefully you don’t think I’m the worst wife and mother ever.  I struggle with the notion that I probably am, but then I think maybe every wife and mother feels the same way about herself.  Can anyone relate to this?  

A Life of Purpose

I have recently jumped on the Downton Abbey bandwagon.  Ricardo has been a huge fan for a long time and so I’d seen bits and pieces.  But I’m now hooked on the whole series.  I’ve worked my way through seasons 1 and 2 and I’m currently enjoying season 3. 

One of the things I have found intriguing is the daily reality for these aristocrats.  They literally don’t have to do anything for themselves.  They don’t work, don’t cook, clean, or even put on or take off their own clothes.  It sounds nice.  I’d probably like it for a day or two, maybe three.  I think a lot of us like the idea of that kind of ease.

But just like some of the characters on the show, I think eventually I would become very restless with that lifestyle.  Why?  Quite simply, their lives lack purpose.  They don’t have to work hard for anything.  It seems pretty boring in fact. 

It reminds me of this news special about lottery winners and how despite being set for life financially, they all ended up depressed, downtrodden, and sometimes dead.  Why?  I mean how many people out there think life would be so satisfying if it were just easier?  But the truth is when everything is handed to you; you lose the value and pleasure in those things.

 There’s something to be said for working hard.  There’s something to be said for fulfilling your purpose, for having a purpose to begin with.  What is my purpose you might ask?  While the specifics of our life calling are different, our life purpose is to do the will of God.  What is God’s will for our life?  It’s this:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” Matthew 12:30-31 (NIV)

Daisy Love Merrick

I planned to write today, but not about this.  I had something else in mind, but I just finished watching the memorial service and celebration of life of this amazing little girl and I had to share.  I had to share because I've been following her story for quite some time now and I can honestly say that her life has touched my life more than any other person.  That's quite something to say because she was only 8 1/2. But her faith in God, her perseverance, her selflessness has left an impression on me that runs deep.  I believe I'll look back on my life someday and I will see how God has used her life to change mine.  I see the ways He already has.  I'm not going to say much more than that.  Her family and church family created a website that shares her story.  Her memorial is there to watch.  It's pretty long.  But honestly it's worth it to watch.  Set aside some time and just watch it.  It's life changing.

www.prayfordaisy.com

Journals

I guess it should be no surprise that I am a blogger.  Prior to the invention of the internet, I journaled my way through my teenage years in a hard cover journal.  My early journals mostly contained poetry and random blurts of my “deep” teenage thoughts.  I journaled through my twenties and my early walk as a Christian.  I’ve kept a journal for each of my kids that I began when I was about 2 months pregnant with them.  And now I’ve taken journaling into cyberspace with this blog. 

I recently dug out a journal that I began at 16 and ended when I was close to my 21^st birthday.  I want to share the very first and very last entry in my journal because I believe that they paint a picture of how lost I was as well as how much I desired to be found by God.  This first one was a poem I suppose.  I was sixteen years old when I wrote it:

                                               

                                                           Untitled

                                                Eager to see the world,

                                          Eager to understand it’s ways,

                                                 I cry out in silence,

                                                For I am trapped in

                                                  within my head.

I became a Christian just after I turned 23.  But in digging up this journal I believe I have found the very first written evidence of my personal journey to finding Him.  I was about to turn 21.  Of course I know that He had always been after me, but things got really serious for me after I wrote this prayer:

Dear God,

Please show me the way.  Point me in a direction that is good and just.  Let me make decisions that are full of purpose.  Let me make mistakes that will only help me grow.  Let me be kind.  Let me love somebody wholly.  Lead me to the answers I am looking for.  Teach me to teach others in a way that embodies all that you would want me to be.  Make me grateful and gracious for all that I have in this life.  It is a daily reminder of your love for me… Give me wisdom and strength.  Guide me down the right path.  Protect my faith in you and I will always follow. 

Amen.

I know it seems here like I was following Jesus with all my heart, but I assure you I truly was not.  I was searching for the truth.  I was crying out to a God who was still invisible to me because I hadn’t committed my heart to Christ fully.  The amazing thing is that only a month later I was on a plane to Israel where my life would be changed even more.  For those of you who haven’t read about that I’ll link the entry here: http://tilmyheartlookslikeyours.blogspot.com/2011/12/israel.html

I’m really blown away by the grace of God and how He has allowed me to look back and really see evidence of how He called me to Himself.  I’m amazed at His pursuit of my heart. He is so gracious. He pursues us.  He loves us.  He wants us to want Him too.  Most of all, He knows us.  And He answers us when we call out to Him.