There Was Another J.

I really believe God is working out a situation in our lives.  I believe He is going to come through.  But I’ve been remembering lately about a time in our lives not long ago when we felt sure He was going to do something, and He did not. 

Three years ago Ricardo and I, along with J. and M. served at Royal Family Kids Camp (as we did every year).  As I’ve mentioned before, this camp serves children from NYC’s foster care system.  Probably in part due to our experience at this camp, Ricardo and I have always said someday we’d like to adopt.  We expected this would happen down the line in our lives.  Never in a million years did we expect that summer to meet and fall in love with the most amazing ten-year old girl.  She touched both of us so much and we didn’t even know at first that the other one had experienced the same thing.

When we returned from camp we decided we would pray about whether or not we should adopt her.  Truthfully we didn’t even know if this was possible.   Most of the children who come to camp are only in foster care temporarily and are on their way back to their biological families.  Some of them are in the system, but live with relatives.  Still, we decided to inquire.

We were completely shocked to find out that our girl J. was legally emancipated from her mother and was up for adoption.  Furthermore there had been some conflict with her foster mom and although she had plans to adopt J, J. had expressed sentiments that her foster mom did not want her.  We felt this was God’s plan, His will that she was meant to be ours.  We were excited and emotional and we began to take the necessary steps to initiate the adoption process. 

For months we didn’t know what was happening, but we still believed somehow God was going to make it all come together.  At one point it seemed J.’s foster mom was going to adopt her after all, then it was stalled in the courts.  They attended counseling.  More months passed and we still didn’t know what the results would be, but again we really felt this was of God so we just trusted He would work it out.  Finally one Sunday almost a year after we first met J., we received the news that the adoption with her foster mom was going to go through.  I was devastated.  I wept.  I didn’t understand why God had allowed things to go the way they did.  I had been certain He was planning to make her part of our family. 

The only thing that made me feel better was to give it to God.  I told Him I didn’t understand.  I told Him I was upset because I was sure this was from Him.  I also told Him that no matter what, I trusted Him even when things didn’t make sense.  As time went on I began to hurt a little less.  A year later I welcomed my daughter into the world and that helped ease some of the loss I had felt.  And the longer I live and look back on it I am able to see little reasons for why it was not meant to be for us.  I truly believe that when you put your trust in God, even the things that don’t make sense at first begin to have at least a little clarity about them with the passage of time.  It’s impossible not to see the way He weaves things together if your eyes are set on seeing it.  Even when we believe in faith God is going to answer in one way, and He answers in another, He is still good.

I really hope someday we will adopt a child who needs our love.  I believe we have that love to give and it burdens me greatly to think about kids who don’t have a family to call their own.  Someday….