"I love you Mom!"

Quick post today!  It's Friday night and after my kids finished eating dinner they were begging me for ice cream.  After little sis was off to bed, I scooped up two bowls (one chocolate, the other sherbet :)  The boys jumped for joy (they don't get ice cream too often) and each promptly announced, "Thank you!  I love you Mom!" and raced off to eat their ice cream.

As I cleaned up dishes I thought to myself, how easily I get an "I love you!' from them when I give them things they want like ice cream.  But how often do my busy boys just tell me that for no reason?  Only once in a while.  And how often do they tell me that in the midst of me instructing or punishing them? Umm... Never.

But you know what?  Aren't we adults often the same way with God?  We're so quick to tell Him we love Him when we receive something we want.  We're not so quick to tell Him the same thing just because of who He is and definitely not when we are going through something.  But we should.  He is God and He is good and loving to us all the time.  We should answer Him back similarly...All the time!

The Planner

“We all know you’re a planner Kate”, my mom has said to me many times.  She views this as a good thing.  Most of the world views this as a good thing.  I’m a type A personality that likes to maintain control of my life and my future.  I save money when I have it and I rarely spend money whether I have it or not  I fret about if we have enough in savings, if we’re preparing well for retirement, saving for college, etc… I like the cushion to fall back on.   I’m a serial budgeter.  As I research buying a home, I am an addict of the mortgage calculator websites.   Again, Suzie Ormond would probably give me a thumbs up for my good financial standing in this world.

But you see there’s a problem with all of that.  Where does God fall into it all?  I’ve spent a great deal of time fighting and arguing with my self and my husband over this very question.  You see, God gave me a husband who while very frugal himself, keeps his eyes on the Lord alone when it comes to financial stability and our future.  I’m very grateful for this, especially in light of what God has been trying to show me about trusting in Him for what lies ahead. 

I think the pivotal point of change for me in all of this occurred when I walked away from my stable paycheck over a year ago to stay home with my kids.  I can’t say however, that I had a great change of heart and mind in order to be able to do this.  I planned for it.  I budgeted out the money to make sure we had enough to cover my time away from work, and in the back of my head I figured that I would be returning when the year was up.

As this year has gone by however, God has been helping me to trust Him with my whole heart.  He has been helping me to focus on more eternal things than just the well being of my self and my little family.  As He has worked on me in this area I have taken note of an interesting thing that has actually happened to our savings account.  While I had planned for a certain amount of it to be gone at this point, covering the expenses that R.’s single paycheck could not; our net balance has basically stayed the same.  How is that possible? Simple. God has provided.  He has blessed us in various ways this past year that has made up the amount we have lacked.  He has done that.  He didn’t need my planning and tabulating.  He needed my heart and my trust in Him.

So… last week I did something that some might consider unwise, unthrifty, and all together detrimental to the financial state of our family.  I submitted paperwork that stated I would not be returning to work as planned.  Will I ever go back?  I have no idea.  Only God knows.  I was a teacher before I left to stay home with my kids.  I did that job because it’s what I always wanted to do.  I have no idea if it’s what God wanted me to do because I never asked Him.  At this point all I know is that He has me home with my children, trusting Him to make a way for us.  If I go back to teaching someday it will have to be because He is directing me to, not because I want to or just because it’s logical and makes sense. 

From now on my purpose is one we should all have: to walk in His will for our lives, doing what He has called us to do.  Not our will.  Not our plans.  His.  For His purpose.  I personally have never felt such freedom and such joy as I do now. The fact is we can think we have everything planned out in life.  But, the truth is we really don’t have control over anything.  When we rest in knowing His plans are good and all we must do is trust in Him, we can have the kind of life we truly long for.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will see me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

                                                      (Jeremiah 29:11-13NIV84)

Good Byes and Uncertainty

Two things I am not good at are good byes and uncertainty.  For example, anytime in life when I have come to the end of something, I have gotten very anxious about the good byes that would ensue.  In fact, when the good bye is finally over and the person or place is gone I feel a certain sense of relief instead of sadness.   I would venture to guess that most people feel a similar sense of insecurity in dealing with something ending, even if they know that what is coming next is going to be great. 

The same thing goes for me with anything that is uncertain.  I like to know what’s up ahead.  I like to be sure of things.  So when there is any kind of uncertainty to what the future holds I find it very difficult to go with the flow.  (As if any of us actually ever have any certainty about anything : )

So I guess it’s no wonder that I have a hard time thinking about the end of this life and the uncertainty in my mind of what it will be like when this chapter is over.  It also should be no surprise I guess that I’ve written about this before and will probably write about this again. 

I know what the bible tells me about heaven.  I know the promises made about what it will be like.  I know that the bible tells me it will be much, much, infinitely much better than anything I know now.  But despite that knowledge, I find myself clinging to my life here on earth, because it’s all that I know and all that I see.  Because having faith in a God that I cannot see, cannot touch, and cannot hear audibly requires me to suspend certain doubts that my little finite brain has wrapped itself around.   Because leaving this life will be a good bye of sorts, which I’m not good at.  There’s uncertainty wrapped up in what that moment will be like and if everything I’ve hoped for, banked on, and dedicated my life to will really come to pass.

In all of that though I trust that when I finally take that journey and the good bye is behind me, the good ahead will be so very good.  I will be with the God that I so long for.  I will have questions answered.  I will fully know Him then.  Any ache, or sadness will disappear. 

So even though I accept my uncertainty of what is to come, I also have a great sense of anticipation to meet Jesus.  Not the Jesus that is painted in pictures.  Not the Jesus that so very many people claim to affiliate with though their hearts are cold towards the very people He loves.  The actual Jesus.  In person.  Face to face.  Someday I will see the One who has heard ever prayer I have ever prayed, collected every tear I have ever cried, who has always been there, who is waiting for me.

No more good byes.  No more uncertainty.  Forever.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

(Hebrews 11:1NIV84)

It's Not About You

I recently began reading Francis Chan’s book, “Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God”.  One of the illustrations Chan uses to put our life in perspective is to think of our self as a small character (think movie extra in a scene with millions of people) in a movie where the main character is God.   After an intriguing illustration of this movie that begins with the creation of the world Chan states, “The point of your life is to point to Him.  Whatever you are doing, God wants to be glorified because the whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift”.  What a good reminder that I am not the center of the universe.  In fact I am quite insignificant in and of myself.  The biggest mistake I can make in life is to think that everything is about me.  My life. My dreams. My family. God on the side.   Yet so many of us live that way.

 Dare I suggest that one of the reasons why the institution of marriage is failing so miserably in this country is because people have turned inward.  What is he doing for me?  Why can’t he love me more?  Why doesn’t he want to spend more time with me?  Instead of thinking about how each partner can sacrificially give of themselves for the betterment of the other person; we think about how the other person is not doing enough for us.  They fail us.  We give up.  The marriage ends.

In general our whole lives become sort of like this.  Instead of keeping our focus on God and what we can do for Him, we focus on our self and what He can do for us.  We miss the whole point.  For example, when we face decisions either big or small, do we even inquire about what God would have us do?  Should I take this job?  Should we move there?  Should I buy this or that?  What about our day?  Do we give it to Him to do as He pleases with it, or do we go about it as we please?

As I journey through the bible, I have been reading about David.  I can’t think of anyone else whose heart was more dedicated to the Lord than David’s was.  David didn’t do anything without asking God first if he should or not.  Over and over I read lines similar to this one.: “…David inquired of the Lord.  Shall I go…? …Where shall I go?” (2Sam 2:1)  He didn’t do this because he was fearful or superstitious.  He asked God’s direction because He desired the direction God had for him.  He knew this was the only way to live. 

Many of us (including myself regularly) need a heart check.   Are we actually consulting with the Master Planner of the Universe about what we are to do?  When we ask do we really desire His answer or one that we have drawn up for Him?  As Chan states, in the grand scheme of the universe we are not here for very long.  He equates our life to “two-fifths-of-a-second” in a movie.  He says, “We have only our two-fifths-of-a second-long scene to live.  I don’t know about you, I want my two-fifths of a second to be about my making much of God.” 

The only reason David is even worth mentioning at all is because God used Him tremendously.  And the only reason God did that is because David’s heart belonged to Him.  Had it not, we might not even know about him at all.  I don’t know about you, but with such little time here on earth I really want to make it count for something.  I want it to be about glorifying God and fulfilling His plans for my life.  It’s not about me.  It’s not about you.  It’s about Him.

God's Never Too Busy

I was recently struck by this advertisement for a parking lot in New York City.  I found it both amusing and sad at the same time.  I found it funny because if you live here you know how difficult it is to find a parking spot.  If you live in my neighborhood and particularly on my street you know the frustration of hours spent looking for parking.  Because of this challenge, I have often found myself praying for a spot.  Once when I was pregnant with T., I dropped R. and M. off at the airport late in the evening (J. and I were meeting them at the same end destination a few days later) and drove home.  On the way J. fell asleep and as many pregnant women know all too well, I had to use the bathroom.  Arriving home in our neighborhood after dark is a recipe for a parking nightmare.  I began to circle looking for a spot.  After twenty minutes or so and with a bladder that was about to explode I began to worry.  If I had been alone I could have double parked, put my blinkers on, ran (or more accurately waddled) up to the apartment, gone to the bathroom, and returned to my car for further circling the block.  But J. was asleep in the backseat so that was not an option.  So I did what I do every time I have my back up against the wall.  I prayed.  I asked God to give me a spot because I really needed it.  A minute later my neighbor exited our building and hopped in his car that was right out front.  Thank you Lord for that parking spot! 

I could tell you dozens of parking spot prayer stories.  I could tell you about praying to find lost items that were important to me.  I could also tell you how I’ve prayed for much more significant things, like people’s broken hearts, healing touches, and miracle interventions.  According to some people I know, as well as the parking company pictured above, God does not have time for the trivial small stuff.  Why ask God for a parking spot?  He’s busy dealing with wars, hunger, and other desperate situations. 

But I beg to differ.  I believe God is so much bigger than we can fully comprehend.  He can handle small prayers and big ones all at the same time.  He can simultaneously touch and heal a child who is fighting a terminal disease and locate a lost pair of car keys.  He can intervene in a great battle and a small one all at once.  He is God after all.  I believe God wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives.  He doesn’t want us to come to Him only when we have really huge prayer requests.  He wants us to come to Him with all of them.  He is our Heavenly Father.  Just like as children we asked our parents for everything we needed, we can do the same with God.  This is biblical.  The bible says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Phillipians 4:6NIV84) 

God may not give you what you ask for.  His answer might be no, but it can never hurt to ask.   If God chooses not to give me a parking spot, He is still God and He is still good.  His answer may not always be what I want it to be, but I am certain He is never too busy to listen.  In fact I know He delights in it.

Easter Every Day!

With Easter upon us, I have been pondering the holiday more than usual…well actually not really.  As I see people preparing for their family gatherings, their church services; as I see them hanging up their decorations and the stores fill up with candy and baskets and eggs, I think about how the message of the cross gets lost in all of this.   It gets lost in something commercial.  It gets lost in tradition.  It’s not really about Him anymore at all.

But for me (and for many of you as well), it’s not about family or tradition.  The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ are on my mind every single day.  I think about it all the time.  So when this holiday approaches what I am thinking about are all the people who proclaim Him for one day and then go on about their lives as though His sacrifice meant nothing at all.  At one time I was one of those people and my heart aches that they might really know Him.  Because when you really know Jesus, His death on the cross is never far from thought.

And the bunny and the chocolate and the Easter egg hunts sting just a little bit.  Because while they are cute and nice, they take attention away from what really happened over two thousand years ago.  They make it pretty and it wasn’t.  It was dirty, and violent, and painful, and it was the ultimate sacrifice.  And they take away from the message that death was overcome, that eternal, everlasting, freeing life is possible because of Jesus Christ. 

I love living life with that knowledge.  I love Easter Sunday because unlike every other day, so many people are at least open to talking about Him and hearing about Him.  There are opportunities there for people’s lives to be changed.   So I’m excited for what He will do with it and I’m ready to be used by Him in any way He sees fit.  No chocolate.  No lamb with mint jelly.  No synthetic green plastic grass.  Just Jesus Christ who was crucified and died on a cross, but who is risen from death and is Alive!