Looking Back on 2012!

I’m reflecting on another year.  It’s been a really good year.  In actuality there haven’t been any huge events in my life this year.  I didn’t move, start a new job, get married, get pregnant, or have a baby.  For the most part in every past year since 2004 one of those things has happened. 

Instead, this year God has taught me whole lot about myself and a whole lot about Himself.  He’s been showing me how to be content in every situation and stage of life.  He’s taught me about putting the needs of others before myself.  He’s rearranged the way I think about so many things. 

I delight in Him.  My only prayer for myself in 2013 is that I would know Him even more.  That’s it!

Whom Shall I Fear?

I know today was a really hard day for school age parents.  After the shooting on Friday that has literally brought us to our knees, we sent our children back to school this morning.  My first-born is a first grader.  The sadness I feel thinking about the 20 families whose first graders will not be going back to school today or ever is very great.  I think about how much I had in common with these mothers up until Friday.  We have experienced the same milestones over the last 6-7 years around the same time.  And then Friday happened and I can only begin to imagine their grief as they have had to let go of  their first graders and all of hopes and dreams they had for them. 

For those of us left grappling with all of this over the weekend and thinking about Monday and our childrens' return to school, I want to share something on my heart:

There is a decision that I have made recently and continue to make.  It doesn’t in any way minimize or take away the sadness and grief from the tragedy that occurred.  That will remain, but it is the way in which I will continue to live my life and encourage my children to do the same.  I decided rather recently, that I would not live my life in fear.  I cannot stop bad things from happening to myself or to my children.   I am certain God has miraculously protected us from things in the past, but I have no promise that He will do so in the future.  He doesn’t promise that.  What He promises is that He will be with us no matter what.  He will go before us and He will glorify Himself in our lives if we allow Him.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:18 NIV

I read recently a book where the author was talking about how we are always praying for God’s physical protection instead of praying that he would be glorified wherever we go or in whatever we do.  He challenged his readers to think about how much God could do with us if instead of living in fear, we laid our lives down before Him and allowed Him to take us where He wanted us even if it wasn’t safe; even if it meant we would give up our lives for Him. 

That really convicted me and it helped me this morning as I pulled up to J’s school. Instead of promising him that the school was safe and that the bad thing that happened on Friday would never happen to him, I promised him something I know for sure is true.  After giving him a big hug I said,  “J. just remember today that God is with you.  He’ll always be by your side even when mommy isn’t and He loves you even more than I do.”  Then I stood and watched him go into school.  I looked around at other mothers who were sort of lingering, looking through the glass doors into the school lobby, almost unable to pull themselves away.   I pray if they feel a sense of fear they would surrender it to their Heavenly Father whose promises are true and who will never leave their children's' sides even when they themselves must do so.   

In the Face of Tragedy: Insensitivity

In light of the school shooting I am dedicating this blog post to get a few things off my chest.  First and foremost I think what needs to be happening more than anything else is a lot of praying.  We need to pray for comfort for the community, families effected, and lost people around the world who are struggling to make sense of all of this.  Before saying anything we really need to just pray and seek God.

I really feel the need to address a few things that have been said by both people in the media spot light, political figures, and just people discussing the event in social media.

Prayer in School:

The first I mentioned on Facebook this morning and just really want to go into more detail.  Governor Huckabee and others have been spouting off this idea that this tragedy happened because we have removed God from our schools. The shooting didn't happen because we've 'removed God from our schools'. I'm sick hearing political leaders say that. God is omnipresent.  He’s everywhere, not just in Christian homes and Christian schools.  He’s in places where overwhelmingly He is not welcome.  He’s in countries many Christians won’t even go to for fear that their own lives might be taken from them. 

In regards to the Sandy Hook School; God was there.  He was there with every child and teacher and administrator who had ushered him into their own hearts. They brought God into the school with them. His presence was there. As a former teacher, I personally used to pray and welcome His presence into my classroom. I used to pray over each chair before my students arrived that God would help them to learn. 

God did not permit this because we've taken prayer out of our schools. What about the Amish school shooting? Certainly that was a school that encouraged prayer. This happened because evil is present in this world. And you know what, God was with every person in that school building on Friday. I'm certain he was aching. But I believe He surrounded those who lost their lives with His presence as they readied to meet Him face to face.

Homeschooling:

Many times this week I’ve heard people, even some in my own church openly state that they are so grateful that God has called them to homeschool their children, therefore protecting their kids from ever being shot at in a school setting.  I’ve heard people spout that while obviously not everyone is able to homeschool, those that are able really should as it’s the right thing to do.  I just want to say, “Don’t go there” when I hear comments like that. Homeschooling is not the calling of every Christian. I personally feel called to send my kids to public school. The verse about being the salt of the earth weighs on my heart. My oldest son shares Christ with his peers and my youngest son talks about church and God in his preschool and his teacher has decided to visit our church because she says he talks about how much he loves it so often that it must be a wonderful place. Likewise I have made friends with some amazing moms in my son's school and God has given me opportunities to love them and they love me back.  I was a teacher up until 2 years ago and I could easily homeschool my children but I don't because God has called me differently. We are each so different as is God's plan for our lives.  Similarly, just because you homeschool your children, doesn’t mean that you can protect them from all harm.  As parents we are obviously driven by maternal/paternal instincts to protect our children from danger.  But at the same time as with all things in our life, we should be praying God would get glory from every situation we face.  Not just, “Oh God keep me safe, and happy, and fell fed, and living in my own little happy Christian bubble with my family.”

Anyway, back to my original statement.  In light of all that has transpired, we really just need to pray.  We need to stop pointing fingers and trying to look for practical worldly answers for why this happened.  We need to pray that in the end God will be glorified by this tragedy as people turn their hearts over to Him.  And we need to do our part to make that happen, not just sit back and shake our heads and keep on living our lives.

I'm like Peter

I am a self-professed doubter.  I’ve discussed this previously.  Time and time again God shows up and answers me in so many ways, but when my back is up against the wall and even sometimes when it isn’t the doubts creep inside my head. 

Case in point (and yes I’ve also written about this before) every single time I get home late at night and start the arduous search for a parking spot.  On these dreaded occasions I begin my conversation with God,  “Oh Lord please show me favor in finding a spot.  We been hard at work for the kingdom and could really use a spot close to our building, etc…”  Now some of you might think it silly that I make such a deal out of praying for a parking spot, but if that’s the case, clearly you must not live in NYC and have 3 crying/whining/hungry children in your backseat.  During these moments the fear of searching for over an hour (yes this has occurred but usually to R. not me) literally paralyzes me.  I start out praying with such faith, but inevitably after a few laps around the block I begin to doubt that God will come through.  This is followed by a good dose of guilt, because really and truly God answering a prayer about a parking spot shouldn’t be the end all and be all.  At some point I tend to break down as I imagine my children starving and bawling for hours on end with no spot in sight, and just as I begin my cry fest, a spot appears for me!

Why oh why do I doubt God in the first place?  The bible is chalk full of verses telling me to have faith and not doubt.  In fact many verses suggest that if I doubt at all I won’t be able to do much.  Case in point, I could move a mountain, but not if I have doubt. 

Yet I can think of at least one example of someone in the bible who lacked faith and doubted God would help him in his time of need.  That guy was Peter and when Jesus walked on water he called Peter out on to the water with him.  And just like me, at first Peter stepped out in faith…but then he doubted Jesus and boom down he went into the water!  What gets to my heart though is what happened next.  Technically Jesus should have left Peter to flounder in the water.  After all he had failed the test of his trust.  But Jesus doesn’t do that.  Here’s the verse: “Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him…” Matthew 14:31.  Jesus didn’t even make Peter wait.  He grabbed him right up and then asked him why he had doubted. 

I feel like God graciously does the same for me.  I don’t want to be a doubter, but sometimes I am.  Instead of punishing me for that, he doesn’t. In place of a slap on the wrist, He answers me.  Time and time again this happens and I have to believe with my heart that in the end of it all, my doubts will no longer have any place in me.

This is my song today and every day really:  Enjoy!

The End/The Beginning

So I have no idea if any of you who read this blog every struggle with my greatest struggle.  I’m going to share it because I’m sort of hoping I’m not alone.  I read a verse in the bible this morning that sort of got me thinking about it and I happen to also be reading the book of Ecclesiastes right now, which is super depressing if you struggle with what I do. 

Here it is:  At any given moment in my day I am usually in some form or another thinking about how short life is.  I think about it every time I look at my kids and see how big they’ve gotten.  I think about it when I see old pictures, especially wedding pictures or pictures of my kids as babies.  I walk around and go about my day, but always in my head I am thinking about how my life is like this little whiff of eternity.  It’s nothing.  I will blink and it will be over. 

When I think about that I feel sad even though I shouldn’t feel sad.  God has promised me an eternity with Him, so obviously I believe that I have so much more to live for once my earthly life is done.  But even that, I just can’t wrap my mind around the notion of forever.  Everything I know and understand begins and it ends.  I have no concept of what foreverness will be.  Even though it’s promised to be wonderful, I still have no idea what it will be like.  So because everything I experience is here and now, I get very nostalgic and sad when I think about how short life really is. 

The only time I am not bothered by this is when I am in the presence of God, seeking His face, or doing something for Him that I know He wants me to do.  That’s when I am free of my thoughts and I feel like heaven could happen for me right then and there and off I’d go. 

I wonder if anyone else thinks like me?  Do other people really ponder the fact that their life is so very, very short?  If not, do they brush it aside?  I mean how can you not live with the reality that your life will be over at some point and the point will come quicker than you can imagine?  But I reading this verse this morning got me thinking: “He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.” Ecclesiastes 5:20 NIV84.   I think that must be true.  So many people think so little about eternity, until they come face to face with it at the end.   But it’s not really God who keeps our mind occupied, it’s the stuff we busy ourselves with.  It’s keeping busy and keeping our mind off of what’s going to happen when all is said and done.

Apologies for this entry being a bit of a rambler.  Basically, instead of brushing my thoughts to the side and doing everything in my power to have the happiest life I can before it’s over, I’ve determined to do something else.  Because life is pretty much nothing in comparison to eternity, I’ve decided to live for that.  Everything has eternal significance.  When all is said and done, I want to have loved as much as I could, served as many as I could, given all that I have, for the only One who really matters.  Only because of Jesus can I live like that.