On the Fence

For the last year I've been part of an online community of Christian women.  It's been interesting to discuss different topics and I've learned a lot about where I stand in my own walk with God.  The debates at time can get very intense.  I do enjoy a good debate however and often find myself straddling the fence on whatever topic is being discussed.

Lately I've been pondering my place as a fence straddler.  I don't know what I believe about a lot of things.  To name a few: I see the biblical basis for both believer and infant baptism, predestination vs. free will, remarriage being acceptable vs. never being acceptable.  I have absolutely no certainty over where I stand politically on gay marriage and abortion, although I tend to lean more liberally in the political arena while keeping my bible minded beliefs out of that area.

I feel like there is so much I just don't know and in the past that concerned me.  When the online debates get heated over things like Halloween, modesty, should every believer speak in tongues etc… there is an ever present Catholic voice on the board that points out that we Protestants can never figure out what we believe about anything, are constantly divided, and that leads to bickering and dissension.  She's certainly correct.  She points out that the Catholic Church's solution to this is to have a stance on everything, therefore eliminating the need to wonder about anything.  The leader being infallible and ordained by God cannot make a mistake, therefore Catholic doctrine comes directly from God and solves the problem of what is right, wrong, and what to do about it if you're wrong about something.

It makes nice, neat sense, except for one thing I've been feeling lately:  I just don't feel like God wants us to know and have all the answers.  I don't doubt the answers exist.  But perhaps being uncertain leads us to just trust Him and have faith that one day it WILL all make sense.  If we have all the answers down pat we as human beings have this nasty tendency of becoming self righteous and legalistic, trusting in rules and not God Himself.

With all that said, I could be entirely wrong.  : )   I'm okay with that.  I'm actually very okay with saying I don't know how I feel about a lot of stuff.  I think I have the important stuff down.  Love God, follow Jesus, love people.  Leave everything else in His hands and listen to His voice.  Someday I will see Him face to face and maybe then everything will be perfectly clear.

Apples and Burqas

Ricardo and I have been praying and contemplating a move outside the city.  It's such a tough decision. Maybe not for everyone, but we always said we wanted to raise our kids here.  Now that we have almost 4 of them, we still have that desire, but realities have set in and we are balancing them and trying to weigh our options.  I recently read an article that poked fun at the idea of having more space and a suburban life style.  It touted the tough minded, steadfast individuals who stick it out year after year in their one bedroom apartment with four kids.  I admire the positivity of the writer.  I respect him pointing out that living in a small space is nothing compared to living in Darfur or Syria right now.  He is right.  But... it's still a tough decision.

Yesterday I was reminded of one of the reasons we love it here.  T. and I had gone on our weekly trip to the produce store.  She was sitting in the shopping cart helping me choose apples.  Another patron passed us wearing a Burqa; only her eyes were showing.  T. looked up and smiled, pointing to the lady she said, "Oh look it's Husam's mommy!" referring to a friend of mine.  Seriously where else in this country would my daughter have such a nonchalant reaction to something so foreign and strange to most people?  To her, the lady just reminded her of one of our friends.  The opportunity to know and love and be loved by so many wonderful people from so many places doesn't happen everywhere.  But God has allowed that to happen for us here.

I don't know what's ahead for us, but I hope no matter where we go, my children will grow up around a multitude of different people from different cultures, walks of life, and experiences.  God created this rainbow of people and and I want my kids to live amongst it's beauty.  If we can't have that anywhere else, I don't know if I'll be able to leave.

A Dream of Mine is Realized

On September 1, 2001 I moved to New York City to pursue a Masters Degree in Education.  I came here for a top-notch education, not because I particularly wanted to live here.  A few days later I began student teaching at a school on the Upper West Side close to my university.  It had a tough student population and I was in a first grade classroom with little real clue about what it took to be an effective teacher.

About a week later two airplanes flew in the World Trade Center while I was beginning to get my feet wet in the classroom and turned my stable world upside down.  I wanted to leave the city.  I begged my parents to let me come home.  They told me to stay put (a little odd right? considering the circumstances, but they knew well what I needed).  The rest of the semester was a struggle trying to connect with these little humans who talked about people jumping out of buildings like it was no big deal.  The head teacher I worked with had little confidence in me.  She left the classroom regularly when I took over the class and the kids, knowing she was gone, would go nuts.  My supervisor from the university was supposed to visit me eight times and provide me with feedback and support, but she rarely showed up.  At the end of the semester both of them gave me poor reviews.  My supervisor told me I would never cut it as a New York City school teacher. 

Amazingly I didn’t run away.  I took on a new placement in January with a wonderful, caring teacher who restored my confidence.  My new supervisor was top notch and gave me tons of advice and encouragement.  I met my husband for the first time that month and fast-forward 12 years and I am still here to this day!  I did end up “cutting it” in the city schools.  I think I actually faired wonderfully.

I always said one day I wanted to have the chance to be a supervisor to student teachers.  I would be everything like the one I had my second semester and nothing like the one I had first.  I wanted the chance to tell a future teacher that they could be a positive inspiration to a child, that they could speak life into their lives and perhaps even change it’s course.   Better, I believe that in a system that is gritty and hard and cynical, they could bring a smile to someone’s face, help a child know that they had a purpose, and be different than many people around them. 

In March I found out I was going to be a mama for the 4^th time, a role I never planned on.  The door I thought I would walk through this fall back into the classroom was closed.  I was discouraged.  But you know what?  God had a different plan for me.  First He needed me to focus more on my role as a wife and mother.  But He is gracious and He knows me and that I would love to have just a little more than just that.  Out of absolutely nowhere I was offered the position I had always wanted to do:  Supervising student teachers, and from a Christian college no less!  So now every Friday for a few hours I hang up my mama hat and head back into the schools and work with future teachers who feel the call on their life to be God’s hand of love extended.  It is rewarding beyond what I had hoped and I am so thankful!   

My PSA about Fertility (at least mine but probably others as well)

I generally don't like to be soapboxey, but I can't help myself:

Since finding out we were expecting our fourth child I have braced myself for the comments that would ensue when it became obvious to everyone that we had another one on the way.  At 26 weeks pregnant  it's been a good two months now that I couldn't really hide the fact.  Perhaps living elsewhere in this country we would be relatively average with number four on the way and no one would bat an eyelash, but in NYC this is not a common occurrence.  Hence anyone and everyone has an opinion on it.

Just yesterday our Super saw me in the elevator and looking aghast, stated, "Another one?  When are you going to close up shop already!?  You're going to need a bigger apartment!"  Thanks.  I've been asked on a few occasions if Ricardo and I have cable TV because obviously we're in need of something else to occupy our time other than making babies.  I've been asked if we were using birth control, what kind, and how it failed?  Hmmm?  Honestly, I know everyone means well and I usually let it slide off my back, but really and truly it's nobody's business.

It really never ceases to amaze me how opinionated people can be about other people's fertility, especially when those people are nearly strangers.  The fact is that many couples are unable to get pregnant, unable to stay pregnant, have an unplanned pregnancy (raises hand), don't want to have children, or actually WANT to have many many children and are happily headed in that direction.  Without knowing a person's circumstance I feel it's highly insensitive to comment on it.  Usually the comment is more directed at how the commenter would feel in the person's shoes and not at the person's situation itself.  But it's still often rude and inappropriate. When someone is expecting,  a simple congratulations will do and thankfully we've had a number of wonderful people who have said just that and left it at that.  When someone is not obviously expecting, don't ask about when they will be.  Following those two simple rules will assure proper etiquette in the area of a woman's fertility.

Jumping off my soapbox.

The Plan Shatterer

As Christians we talk a lot about wanting to follow God's plan for our lives.  We'll say things like, "If He wills it", "God Willing..."  We obsess over whether what we are doing is in line with His plan.  I've come to a hard and fast realization that all my talk about God's plans has really been code language for  
"My own plans sugar coated with some spirituality".   Really it's true.  I mean I care about what God's plans are for my family and myself, but really I don't want to wait for any of them to come to pass.  Preferably I like to figure out the most logical options and then see if I can pinpoint exactly what makes the most sense and then attribute that to God's plan being revealed.  Deep down I know how foolish this is.  If I could just be a tad bit more patient perhaps He might actually have a chance to work.  But I'm a planaholic.  I always have been.

 Up until I came to know Jesus, most of my plans actually came to fruition.  I got into the exact college I planned for.  I planned my course of study, obtained the exact job I always intended to land upon graduation.  I rarely faced rejection because I was so well planned out.  But in the last six months I've had more plans fail, more future plans contain unsurmountable glitches than I know what to do with.  And I think it's God's way of telling me to stop making plans without Him.  He knows what He's doing.  I don't.  I just need to ask Him to pave a way and then give Him a chance to do it.

Without consultation, plans are frustrated...

Proverbs 12:22 NASB

Tunnels

Maybe I don't discuss it enough on my blog, but my husband Ricardo is truly amazing.  I mentioned in a previous post how incredible he was supporting me through the birth of my children, but his true feat is sticking by my side and weathering a hormonal beating when I am pregnant.  This pregnancy has been particularly trying because we are in limbo, trying to sort out what steps God wants us to take next.  This has not been a good combo with pregnancy hormones.  But he is a trooper.

Today as I fell apart in a particularly brutal meltdown, Ricardo began comparing our life to being in a tunnel.  He said when you're in a tunnel you have no choice but to head for the light and make your way out.  He told me that I keep trying to dig my way out of this metaphoric tunnel and he is left trying to clear the dust away and convince me that digging out isn't the way to go.  We must just move forward to the light and eventually we will be out of it.  Wise words.  Maybe God is trying to tell me something?  Hmmm...

Later this evening M. asked me to read him a story and brought me a book entitled "I Knew You Could"  It's like a follow up of sorts from "The Little Engine that Could".  I could barely read the book to M. without crying.  God used the whole book to confirm everything that Ricardo had told me earlier in the day.  Here's the page that really assured me of this:

You'll go through tunnels, surrounded by dark,

And you'll wish for a light or even a spark.

You might get scared or a little bit sad,

Wondering if maybe your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice to help ease your doubt.

The track you took in must also go out.

So steady yourself and just keep on going ---

Before you know it, some light will be showing.

And then you'll be out, heading to a new place.

You'll be ready for the next tunnel you face.

Oh how true is that?  We're on this journey, this track that God has us on.  And sometimes it get's dark and hard and we worry and doubt.  But He will always see us through.  But like Ricardo reminded me, there's only one way out and that's by following the track towards the light, not trying to dig a separate exit fruitlessly.  I need this reminder each and every day right now.  Hopefully I can keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is Jesus.  Maybe next time He has me in a tunnel I'll be more ready for the challenge it brings.  

Fish

We just got back from a wonderful week long vacation at the beach.  Our rental home sits right on the sound and our house has a dock with direct water access.  The kids had all sorts of fun swimming, kayaking, and their all time favorite activity: fishing.  Last year we stayed in the same house and we caught nothing.  This year the kids were adamant that they would catch a fish.  They begged to go fishing the minute we arrived, but it took a us another day to actually wrangle some bait appropriate for salt water fish.  M. was certain they would be happy to eat bagels.

Armed with some shrimp we headed down to the dock to give it a shot.  The boys each took a turn with no success.  It seemed we might not be successful this year either.  Then little T. wanted to try.  I laughed and said, "Watch she's going to catch one on her first shot!"  Sure enough, with Ricardo's help, T. reeled in a little fish!  The kids were jumping up and down cheering.  With more confidence, M. went up to the plate and to my surprise caught one too.  Each child proudly posed with their fish before we let it go.  Finally it was J.s turn again.  At first he expected to catch a fish right away, but try after try he reeled in nothing.  He began to get frustrated and announce that he wanted to give up, that he would be the only one who ended up catching nothing.  We encouraged him, but also suggested if he didn't get one, that he be happy for his brother and sister (yeah right).

Finally there was only one small piece of shrimp left.  This was his last chance.  Struggling with my own faith lately I mustered up something in myself to pray out loud.  "Jesus, this is our last chance.  Please help J. catch a fish."  As he cast his line into the water I tried hard not to doubt.  I wanted to believe God would come through.  What little faith I had.  But sure enough J. felt a bite and swiftly reeled in his line, pulling up a small gleaming fish!  Standing on the dock my mom shouted, "I can't believe it!  On the last piece of bait!"  J. beamed with pride.  We snapped pictures, clapped, and then reminded him that God had answered our prayer.  He waited until the last second to do it, but He did.  Hmmm... parallel even greater things in life?  God always comes through, but sometimes not until there is nothing left to rely on but Him.  A message most wholeheartedly needed for where I am right now in life, waiting for God to send me a fish.

"Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”“No,” they answered. He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish."  John 21:4-6 NIV