I have wanted my husband to quit his job search a few times during the last 9 months, but never more than I did this weekend. I literally told R. that I'm drawing a line in the sand. "I'm done done done with it." I don't know what that would mean for us because we still live where we do in a situation that is unsustainable for a healthy family life and too far from our church for us to ever be part of the community there. But it has felt many times like it would be much easier to just give up and accept things the way they are than to trust God will miraculously open a door for us to move on to something better for us.
And that is how I felt this weekend. I told God and I told R. that I am finished with this. We are currently waiting on a possible position at a church that is just about the only one we've both felt really positive about the entire of 2017. And we haven't heard anything in over two weeks. We were told we would be contacted to set up a Facetime interview together with them, but again that was almost three weeks ago. This isn't the first time R. has been told he would for sure hear back from someone. In fact it's happened a few times and despite him following up numerous times, we never heard anything. Doors shut.
Dealing with disappointment of a closed door is actually way easier than waiting to see if a door that seems like it might be opening actually is or not. That kind of waiting has a special kind of torture attached to it. And it's one I'm just so achingly tired of. I've had some tough talks with God. I've admitted a lot to Him. I've told Him I don't understand. I've told Him I feel like He's playing with my heart. I've told Him I am barely holding on to my trust in His goodness.
So we went to church yesterday and I was feeling all those things and felt sure I was giving up on this whole process. I had been up since 4:30 because that's when our 10 month old baby R. woke up to be fed and even though she went back to sleep we get up at 5 am on Sundays so we can get everyone ready and out the door by 6:30. My kids were begging me not to make them go to church, pulling covers back over their faces. They actually love church, but they hate getting up while it's still dark and being gone 12 hours every Sunday. It's a lot for them. So we get to the city and there's a street festival being assembled, which meant there was no parking. We circled for about 25 minutes to find a spot that was about a 15 minute walk from the church and hauled all five of them along the sidewalks until we got there. At this point I am just completely downcast. Why are you holding out on us God? This is so impossibly hard.
By the time we get them situated in their classes the service has started so I make my way up to the nosebleed of the balcony. Summon up everything in me to sing, listen to the choir, pass the offering basket, and then our pastor begins preaching. And he talks about how the Sea of Galilee is like the life of faith. When we get into the boat we are putting our faith in Christ and the journey is to the other shore and the other shore is heaven. But the waters are rough. They are so rough and they shake us to the core. But the bible reminds us the Jesus walked on those waters. He is standing on them, and he can calm them when He chooses to. Then our pastor said, "Is there someone out there who is ready to give up? You've drawn a line in the sand and you're done? God wants you to trust Him. He will answer you, but He wants you to trust Him and thank Him for the answer before you see any results." That was me ya'll. That was just for me. I'm certain of it.
That was me yesterday and I was so full of faith, but already only a day later, I need more reminders because discouragement is a sneaky, naggy thing that just keeps coming back. So I'm standing today and I'm choosing to trust God for something I see no evidence of. I don't feel like trusting. I don't feel like I have any hope. But my feelings are not reliable. I CHOOSE to trust God despite the fact that we have had nothing but closed doors, unreturned emails, promising things that turned out to not be promising. I'm choosing to trust God even though I am tired and I want to give up. I'm believing that He is working out our situation right now as I type this. And I'm going to keep hoping that tomorrow might be the day that He reveals that to us.
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