I guess it should be no surprise that I am a blogger. Prior to the invention of the internet,
I journaled my way through my teenage years in a hard cover journal. My early journals mostly contained poetry and random blurts
of my “deep” teenage thoughts. I
journaled through my twenties and my early walk as a Christian. I’ve kept a journal for each of my kids
that I began when I was about 2 months pregnant with them. And now I’ve taken journaling into cyberspace with this blog.
I recently dug out a journal that I began at 16 and ended
when I was close to my 21st birthday. I want to share the very first and very last entry in my
journal because I believe that they paint a picture of how lost I was as well
as how much I desired to be found by God.
This first one was a poem I suppose. I was sixteen years old when I wrote it:
Untitled
Eager
to see the world,
Eager
to understand it’s ways,
I
cry out in silence,
For
I am trapped in
within
my head.
I became a Christian just after I turned 23. But in digging up this journal I
believe I have found the very first written evidence of my personal journey to
finding Him. I was about to turn
21. Of course I know that He had
always been after me, but things got really serious for me after I wrote this
prayer:
Dear God,
Please show me the way. Point me in a direction that is good and just. Let me make decisions that are full of
purpose. Let me make mistakes that
will only help me grow. Let me be
kind. Let me love somebody
wholly. Lead me to the answers I
am looking for. Teach me to teach
others in a way that embodies all that you would want me to be. Make me grateful and gracious for all
that I have in this life. It is a
daily reminder of your love for me… Give me wisdom and strength. Guide me down the right path. Protect my faith in you and I will
always follow.
Amen.
I know it seems here like I was following Jesus with all my
heart, but I assure you I truly was not.
I was searching for the truth.
I was crying out to a God who was still invisible to me because I hadn’t
committed my heart to Christ fully.
The amazing thing is that only a month later I was on a plane to Israel
where my life would be changed even more.
For those of you who haven’t read about that I’ll link the entry here: http://tilmyheartlookslikeyours.blogspot.com/2011/12/israel.html
I’m really blown away by the grace of God and how He has
allowed me to look back and really see evidence of how He called me to
Himself. I’m amazed at His pursuit
of my heart. He is so gracious. He pursues us. He loves us. He
wants us to want Him too. Most of
all, He knows us. And He answers us
when we call out to Him.
