Mommy Guilt and Finger Pointing

Long before R. and I had children of our own, I used to have a pretty good picture in my mind about how I would raise them once I had them.  I was going to be consistent; no would mean no.  I was going to read to them for at least 30 minutes every day.  No sugar, only healthy food.  Limited TV.  I was going to engage them in limitless conversation, answer all of their probing questions.  I had big plans to be an awesome parent!  When I would see parents that did things I felt went against what a “good” parent would do, I did an internal shake of the head.  I had many “I would NEVER do that” moments.

Then J. was born.  My ideas and plans for being a great mother went flying right out the window and J. almost did too a few times when every tactic I had to soothe him failed at 3 am.  I know you probably think I’m joking with that last statement, but I’m not.  I struggled a lot on my entry into motherhood and I struggle to this day.  The mommy guilt weighs heavily every time I do or don’t do one of the things mentioned in the first paragraph.  Every time I lose my cool and yell or say something I thought I would never say to one of my children I look at myself and think, “I’m horrible at this!”

 J. at one week old.  Looking happy, but I was struggling.

Recently a discussion ensued on Facebook by a wonderful (but yet without children ; ) friend of mine.  It questioned the decision of some parents that were recently in the media.  A hot debate ensued.  Did the parents do something wrong?  And all I could think about was how quickly we point fingers.  People without kids are sort of off the hook in my mind because someday they will understand and their perspective will change.  But those of us who do don’t really have that excuse.  We think we would never do this or that.  We find others who mutually agree with us and we discuss.  I think a lot of us do that (myself included) to make ourselves feel better about ourselves as parents.  “Well I’m not as bad as that mother.  I would never do what she did.”  That’s what runs through our head and it makes us feel like we’re doing well.

One of the strongest memories I have of this kind of finger pointing is one that many people would probably mutually agree is justified.  Years ago I was part of a discussion about a mother abusing and shaking her infant.  The baby died.  Most people I heard say things like, “How could any mother do that to her child?  What kind of horrible person could ever hurt a baby?”  They’re not wrong in one sense.  It was a horrible thing to do.  It is absolutely unacceptable.  But is it unfathomable?  I ask this because I’ve been in that dark, helpless place, struggling with depression and a baby who wouldn’t stop crying.  Thank the Lord I had a husband who was right there and could take that little boy from me when it got really difficult.  What about the single mom with no support, who is struggling in every sense of the word and cracks under the pressure?   I will never justify the actions, but I can understand with compassion the place she has come from.  Because of that I’ve curbed a lot of my finger pointing.  I would like to say all of it, but I still find myself being critical at times. It’s something I need God to help me with every day.

When parents point fingers or shake their heads at other parents it serves no real purpose other than make them feel like they are better parents than the ones whom they are critiquing.  What to do instead?

The truth is we’re all failures.  Everyone is.  Only God is perfect and so He’s the only one who can judge the heart and motives of people.  For me, I’m hoping I can be a help in some way to mothers who struggle and don’t have the support from family and friends that is so needed to be a good parent.  I really hope God will open some doors for me to do that more directly.  Parenting children is really, really hard.  It always will be.  We really need to look out for each other, not wag our finger, shake our head and then look the other way.