Another one year old!

Exactly one year ago today our baby I. showed up two weeks ahead of schedule.  I celebrate so much about his arrival and this past year beyond the fact that he was and is a sweet, incredible, lovely baby.  The fact is, this little boy completely changed me as a mother and as a person in general.  My only regret is that it took me this long to see the light.

I had announced after the birth of T. that I thankfully would never be going through labor and delivery again.  I didn’t want to be pregnant with him.  I spent the first half of my pregnancy languishing the fact that I was pregnant, that I was that much further away from saying good-bye to the baby stage of our life.   I probably should say I’m ashamed of this fact, but I’ve purposed to live my life openly and unashamed, even the ugly parts.  God’s grace allows me to do that.   So yes, I lacked total perspective in the first half of my pregnancy.

And then at some point, my heart turned.  I accepted God’s plan and embraced it a little bit.  And then he was born.  And I just looked at him and loved him.  And in the weeks and months that followed, God began to show me how I had tried to rush through time, hurry my kids through their childhood, so it could get to the easier part, the part where I was getting sleep and not feeling stretched so thin.  I had blamed that on so many things.  But the truth is, it was just my attitude.  And this new little person reminded me of that. 

So this past year I slowed down and cherished each of I.’s little milestones.  I stopped waiting for him to sleep through the night, stopped wishing we were at the next step.  And I also did that for my older children.  Even in the crappy moments, I reminded myself that they would only be young for such a short time.  And I remembered every single day that only that moment was promised to me with them.  It was (is) a gift.   

My little I. shattered my plans for the future and he is a little reminder to me that my plans are completely insignificant compared to those that God has for me.  What a gift he is to all of us!  I pray whatever this next year has in store for him, and for all of my children, that I will continue to live in the moment, to love them deeply, to listen to them, to cherish each and every second because most likely I will blink and they will all be a year older.

"The Shirt Off His Back"

Everyone knows that expression.  It’s used to describe really generous people.  Yesterday we were invited by some new friends to go swimming and hang out.  We’ve actually been overwhelmed by how friendly everyone is here in our new home.

 So we arrive at the pool play date.  The kids have a blast.  The grown ups hang out, and then it’s suggested that we go get ice cream.  Everyone is on board.  We begin to get ready to go.  J. comes up to me with a distressed look on his face.  Seeing as this happens regularly a few times a day, I am not highly alarmed.  He tells me he forgot to bring his shoes.  He’s upset because now he can’t go into the ice cream store with no shoes.  Really what kind of a mom doesn’t even notice that her kid got in the car, arrived at the house, swam etc… all without any shoes on his feet?  I must raise my hand, because apparently that mom was me yesterday.   The host of our get together notices our plight. J’s nearly in tears and I’m basically chastising him for coming without footwear.  She leaves and returns from her car with a pair of flip-flops.  “I found an extra pair in the trunk”, she tells me.  I’m so relieved.  On to the ice cream store we go.

So that was really generous of her and we’ve probably all done that once or twice; given up an extra pair of shorts or t-shirt or diaper to another mom in need.  But my story doesn’t end there, because when we arrive at the ice cream store and walk in both Ricardo and I notice that her son the same age as J. isn’t wearing any shoes!  She had literally given me her son’s only pair of shoes.  I was floored. 

 It was a gesture that only the most generous soul would do.  It’s what Jesus would do.  It really touched me to the core.  I hope I can be more generous like that.  It was an amazing lesson for J.  We noted to him later that his friend was walking around without shoes so that he wouldn’t be upset not to have them.   I think we all need to challenge ourselves to be more like that, to give not just the extra that we have, but to give sacrificially to others.   I know giving J. a pair of flip flops might not be quite on the same level as the poor woman in the bible who gave the last of her small amount of money, but it's the same concept. 

“ All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”  Luke 21:4 NIV

God Answers Little Prayers

I've been struggling lately.  Really struggling.  When you're struggling it usually means you're having a hard time trusting that God has your back, that He's listening...  One thing or the others seems to go wrong and I fall apart like things will never get better.  Today though I had a bright moment that I want to share.

The boys are taking tennis lessons every Tuesday and Thursday morning.  Today they were grouped together which usually makes J. insanely competitive towards M.  Neither of my kids are tennis genius's but M. is definitely NOT a sports athlete type.  He prefers to dance.  But...he likes tennis and has a relaxed attitude about trying new things.  J. on the other hand is super competitive and hard on himself.  He gets angry when he doesn't get something right the first time.  If J. misses the ball he furls up his face and stomps his feet.   If M. misses the ball he runs to the back of the line, turns around and smiles at me, winks, and gives me a thumbs up!  He couldn't care less!  So very different.

Today each boy was placed on a different "team" and the goal of each team was to get 20 balls over the net first.  Every time it was J.'s turn he pretty much got the ball over.  M. never did, not once.  It was the last point.  The teams were tied 19 to 19 and the last two kids up from each team were none other than J. and M.  The teacher said, "Okay if J. gets it and M. doesn't, J.'s team wins.  If M. gets it over and J. doesn't M.'s team wins.  If they both get it over the net, both teams win!"  "Oh my goodness!" I thought to myself.  I wanted them both to get it so badly.  I wanted them both to win.  But seriously the odds of that were slim because as I previously mentioned, M. had never hit the ball over the net even once.  So I prayed, "God please let them both get it."  And you know what?  They both did!  A tie!  Thank you Lord.  I'm having a tough time right now trusting God work certain things out in my life, but He is there.  He never leaves my side.  I needed a little reminder of that today and He gave it to me.

Missing in Action

Wow it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted here!  We’ve had a lot going on in our lives the last few months and they were things I just felt like I couldn’t share right away because I was really struggling with them.  At the end of March things were going great.  I was getting ready to submit paperwork to return to work full time, teaching in J.s school.  We were considering selling our apartment to some friends and actually buying a home in our neighborhood.  It was exciting!  And then about two days after my last post I found out very obviously un-expectantly that we are in fact expecting our fourth child in early December.

 I was completed floored.  I cried.  In one moment all of the plans that were underway came to a halt.  I promised myself I would have a positive outlook about it, but it’s silly to make promises about how you are going to feel about something.  I failed to keep it within a day.  I felt guilty about feeling bad about being pregnant.  I felt guilty because I have a few friends who have been trying for years to have a baby and I’m having another one.  I cried some more.  All of my struggles to be content in our small living space came flooding back and to be honest with you are still with me at this very moment.  There's no more space in the kid's bedroom for another kid (My children have solved this by stating they will just let the baby sleep in their bed ; ) Worries over finances hit me like a ton of bricks because I never planned to stay home long term and now with four little ones, returning to work full time seems unrealistic and quite honestly not what God wants me to do. 

We then found out that M. cannot get a spot in J.s school for the fall unless we falsify our address (which the school flat out encouraged us to do).  God has always paved ways for us and we’ve always been honest, so that is just not an option.  The kids will be switching schools and I’m not happy about it.  I love the school we’re in.

 

I wish this post had some great wrap up of revelation on how I’ve gained perspective that God is going to work things out.  My mind knows this is true, but my emotions and hormones are fighting against that every day.  I do know that a new life is always a blessing and somehow I will survive the rest of this pregnancy and the newborn months.  I’m really not good at being pregnant and I’m even worse at being sleep deprived, so bear with me.  The next year is going to be a rollercoaster for me, but I plan to take you all on the ride.  I’m going to be real and it probably won’t be pretty. Go easy on me.

Letting Go: My little T. labor story

Well tonight marks two years ago that I began the painful journey towards meeting my sweet T. : )   As I was dropping M. off at school I passed the restaurant where Ricardo and I ate lunch exactly two years ago and the memories came flooding back.  So here’s a few snippets of that story I don’t think I’ve shared before, or if I did I can’t remember.

T. is our number 3.  J. was number one and delivered while I was blissfully drugged up with an epidural.  I had bad complications from said epidural and promised I’d never do it again.  So M. was a drug free labor and delivery.  He came fast and furious, but I had never gone through the whole thing without drugs so beforehand I was blissfully unaware of the pain I would endure.  Fast forward 2 years and I was planning another drug free birth, only this time I knew what was going to happen and what it would be like.  I was scared.  Ignorance is bliss they do say and this time I was not ignorant! 

In the weeks leading up to her birth I remember feeling a looming sense of dread.  I was ready to be done with pregnancy, but wanted to skip over the birth part of it.  Every time I would have contractions (which was often as I am a big contractor for weeks before my babies are born) I would pray that it was not time yet!  I remember feeling so relieved every time they would peter out.

They day before T. was born I had a midwife appointment and I literally poured my heart out to her telling her that I just felt like I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to go through it.  She listened and said, “You just have to let go and let her come.”  On the ride to the aforementioned restaurant, Ricardo and I chatted about this.  I was typically hormonal, crying about how our life was about to change and how all I knew was boys and that made me comfortable and how would it be with a girl?….etc.  But I ended my tear fest by repeating the midwife’s words, “I know. I know.  I just have to let go.”

I don’t know if that triggered some sort of release, but later that night the contractions began and twelve hours later T. made her entrance into the world. 

So here’s my little practical application that connects to T. birth:  Life isn’t always easy.  Sometimes we have to go through stuff.  We have to do things that make us uncomfortable, especially for God.   Instead of holding back and being fearful, we need to let go and let God take us through the rough spot, help us to do something difficult, whatever it is.  Don’t hold back.  He is with you.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1Peter 5:7

A Confession

Have you ever struggled and grappled with something for a long time, but never mention it out loud because you feel like nobody will relate to you?  That’s where I find myself.   I’ve shared a lot about motherhood.  I think I’m pretty transparent.  I’m honest about my shortcomings as I have many and I think it’s just a waste of time to try and to cover them up.  But I’ve never shared this before.  Here it goes…

Sometimes I wonder if by becoming a wife and a mother I missed my true calling in life.  Doesn’t that sound awful?  I love my husband and kids with all my heart.  They bring me joy and they challenge me.  But so often I look at myself and think the role of mother and wife is so far from who I truly am.  I would never wish to not have my life, and yet I long for a life I will never have.  I find that sort of strange. 

I think part of it stems from the selfishness in me.  I’m not selfish when it comes to giving my time for perfect strangers, but I feel resentful sometimes that I must give so much of myself for my family.  Gosh that sounds so warped.  For most people it’s usually the other way around.  Which makes me wonder if God’s true intention for my life was to mother, to nurture, and to submit to my husband or whether is was to live out my life serving others on my own.    

Thankfully I suppose it’s irrelevant because that is who I am now.  That is who God is calling me to be from here until the end of my life.  He knew the path I would walk down and the path I have lying ahead.  Perhaps these roles that I feel so unsuited for are specifically suited for me, to teach me how to love and sacrifice in ways that are hard for me.  Thankfully God is always good and I don’t need to lament when these questions arise within me.  I trust this journey because He is on it with me.  Left alone on it I would certainly fail and take these amazing people he’s entrusted me with down with me.  But God won’t let that happen.  He makes sense even when I can’t make sense of anything. 

Thanks for letting me share that.   Hopefully you don’t think I’m the worst wife and mother ever.  I struggle with the notion that I probably am, but then I think maybe every wife and mother feels the same way about herself.  Can anyone relate to this?  

Blue Eyes and Double-Jointed Thumbs

I’ve always sort of secretly lamented the fact that my children don’t really look like me.  I think this might be a similar experience among other interracial families where two or more races are blended together to make little people who while (according to me) possessing beautiful features, don’t really resemble either of their parents.   My kids really do look like each other, but I’ve never really been able to identify anything in them that I know for certain comes definitively from me. 

Honestly it wasn’t really that big of a deal.  But I’ve always sort of looked longingly at families where the child clearly just takes after one of their parents.  Like their genes were just stamped and replicated so obviously, there would be no question that the kids belonged there.  My nephew is an example of this.  He is like a carbon copy of my sister.  He looks exactly the way I picture my children looking before I met and married someone with dark brown skin. 

My boys were both born, beautiful brown eyes, olive skin, and don’t look like me at all.  I expected the same from my daughter before she made her appearance and for the most part I was right.  Except for two very unlikely, slightly strange features that she possesses that always make me smile, because they always remind me without a shadow of a doubt that she got them from me!  The first are her eyes.  They are blue.  Really what are the chances of that?  I’ve seen it before in pictures, but honestly if you know anything about how genetics work with determining eye color, she is a bit of an anomaly.  My husband has absolutely no history of anyone in his lineage with eyes any other color than brown.  So technically T. should have had no chance of ending up with blue eyes.  Yet I assure you she definitely has them!

The second is very quirky.  As a kid I used to love to freak out all my friends by popping my crazy double- jointed thumbs in an out of sockets.  It was my cool/weird super human trick.  Well let me just tell you the big smile I got on my face when I held my little T.’s newborn hand in mine, counted and wiggled all her fingers, and joyfully discovered her flexible double jointed thumbs!  Almost two years later it still makes me smile every time I see her popping that thumb in and out of it’s socket (she’s unaware that this is weird yet).

So seriously what is even the point of me sharing this with anyone?  Honestly I don’t really know.   They’re not really a big deal in comparison to the gift of life God has given me in my children or on a much greater scale, the gift of life He has given me through his Son Jesus.  In metaphoric terms, the gift of Christ is like a bowl of my favorite ice cream every day, and my daughter’s eye color and thumb tricks are like tiny sprinkles.  But I’m still thankful for them.  I think He gave me those sprinkles because He knew they would mean something to me and bring me joy.  He’s a generous and loving Creator.  

So God, I know you can read this, and I just want to thank you.  You deserve thanks for so much more, but for just this one second I want to thank you for blue eyes and double-jointed thumbs and for the bond of a mother and daughter.  I’m really grateful for that.  You’re the best!

J. turns 7!

I haven't posted in a while and I feel like I owe my J. a birthday shout out so I'll just share a little bit.  Every January 10th I get more sentimental than any other day because it was the day I became a mom for the first time.  I'll never forget the moment at 7:25 pm when with one final push he came into the world.  I'll never forget pulling him up onto me and looking down into his sweet little face.  He was so warm and slippery and perfect.  My whole entire life changed at that moment, yet I wasn't really even aware of it.  Ricardo and I often look at newborn pictures of our kids and comment how all their unique personalities are just stored up inside their tiny little bodies and yet if you look in their eyes you can see a glimmer of what they will become.

It's been a privilege, a challenge, a blessing, and so much more to be a mother these last seven years.  I know I've only scratched the surface of what motherhood will entail for me.  But I'm so very thankful that I've had the chance to love and be loved by such a sweet little boy and his brother and sister.  It's truly one of God's greatest gifts.

My little guy at a few days old.

Whom Shall I Fear?

I know today was a really hard day for school age parents.  After the shooting on Friday that has literally brought us to our knees, we sent our children back to school this morning.  My first-born is a first grader.  The sadness I feel thinking about the 20 families whose first graders will not be going back to school today or ever is very great.  I think about how much I had in common with these mothers up until Friday.  We have experienced the same milestones over the last 6-7 years around the same time.  And then Friday happened and I can only begin to imagine their grief as they have had to let go of  their first graders and all of hopes and dreams they had for them. 

For those of us left grappling with all of this over the weekend and thinking about Monday and our childrens' return to school, I want to share something on my heart:

There is a decision that I have made recently and continue to make.  It doesn’t in any way minimize or take away the sadness and grief from the tragedy that occurred.  That will remain, but it is the way in which I will continue to live my life and encourage my children to do the same.  I decided rather recently, that I would not live my life in fear.  I cannot stop bad things from happening to myself or to my children.   I am certain God has miraculously protected us from things in the past, but I have no promise that He will do so in the future.  He doesn’t promise that.  What He promises is that He will be with us no matter what.  He will go before us and He will glorify Himself in our lives if we allow Him.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:18 NIV

I read recently a book where the author was talking about how we are always praying for God’s physical protection instead of praying that he would be glorified wherever we go or in whatever we do.  He challenged his readers to think about how much God could do with us if instead of living in fear, we laid our lives down before Him and allowed Him to take us where He wanted us even if it wasn’t safe; even if it meant we would give up our lives for Him. 

That really convicted me and it helped me this morning as I pulled up to J’s school. Instead of promising him that the school was safe and that the bad thing that happened on Friday would never happen to him, I promised him something I know for sure is true.  After giving him a big hug I said,  “J. just remember today that God is with you.  He’ll always be by your side even when mommy isn’t and He loves you even more than I do.”  Then I stood and watched him go into school.  I looked around at other mothers who were sort of lingering, looking through the glass doors into the school lobby, almost unable to pull themselves away.   I pray if they feel a sense of fear they would surrender it to their Heavenly Father whose promises are true and who will never leave their children's' sides even when they themselves must do so.   

"I Do it Myself!": Lessons from a spirited toddler.

Some of T.’s favorite treats are those applesauce pouches that they sell in the baby food section of the supermarket.  I didn’t discover these until recently and they are a complete hit with her.  Today I took one out for her and she wailed when I began to unscrew the cap.  Knowing that a complete tantrum would ensue if I actually opened the thing, I handed it to her cap on.  She proceeded to spend the next thirty minutes trying to get the top off her self.  She gnawed on it, attempted to unscrew it with her uncoordinated fingers, threw it on the ground, and stomped her feet.  Every time I tried to take it from her to take the top off, she screamed.  I knew she wanted the applesauce, but she wanted to get to it BY HERSELF!

As I looked at her and inwardly laughed at the mayhem she was causing for herself, I began to think how we’re all so similar to this.  There are so many situations where God wants us to trust Him to do something for us, and all we do is kick and scream and try to the things ourselves.  I’ve done this countless times.  In the end we give up and let Him do it and when we look back on the whole debacle we think, “It would have been so much easier if I had just let God work on my behalf from the get go.”

Eventually T. exhausted her efforts and let me open the applesauce.  Ah the sweet joy in her smile was priceless when she tasted the fruit after so much time trying to get to it!

In the same way I so badly wanted to help my daughter, God wants to lift the burden in our lives of trying to do things in our own strength.  He is our Heavenly Father and just like earthly parents do for their children, He wants to do for us. 

“Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden…” Psalm 68:19 NASB

“Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”  Psalm 55:22 NASB

He wants to help us.  But we have to let Him.

Mommy Guilt and Finger Pointing

Long before R. and I had children of our own, I used to have a pretty good picture in my mind about how I would raise them once I had them.  I was going to be consistent; no would mean no.  I was going to read to them for at least 30 minutes every day.  No sugar, only healthy food.  Limited TV.  I was going to engage them in limitless conversation, answer all of their probing questions.  I had big plans to be an awesome parent!  When I would see parents that did things I felt went against what a “good” parent would do, I did an internal shake of the head.  I had many “I would NEVER do that” moments.

Then J. was born.  My ideas and plans for being a great mother went flying right out the window and J. almost did too a few times when every tactic I had to soothe him failed at 3 am.  I know you probably think I’m joking with that last statement, but I’m not.  I struggled a lot on my entry into motherhood and I struggle to this day.  The mommy guilt weighs heavily every time I do or don’t do one of the things mentioned in the first paragraph.  Every time I lose my cool and yell or say something I thought I would never say to one of my children I look at myself and think, “I’m horrible at this!”

 J. at one week old.  Looking happy, but I was struggling.

Recently a discussion ensued on Facebook by a wonderful (but yet without children ; ) friend of mine.  It questioned the decision of some parents that were recently in the media.  A hot debate ensued.  Did the parents do something wrong?  And all I could think about was how quickly we point fingers.  People without kids are sort of off the hook in my mind because someday they will understand and their perspective will change.  But those of us who do don’t really have that excuse.  We think we would never do this or that.  We find others who mutually agree with us and we discuss.  I think a lot of us do that (myself included) to make ourselves feel better about ourselves as parents.  “Well I’m not as bad as that mother.  I would never do what she did.”  That’s what runs through our head and it makes us feel like we’re doing well.

One of the strongest memories I have of this kind of finger pointing is one that many people would probably mutually agree is justified.  Years ago I was part of a discussion about a mother abusing and shaking her infant.  The baby died.  Most people I heard say things like, “How could any mother do that to her child?  What kind of horrible person could ever hurt a baby?”  They’re not wrong in one sense.  It was a horrible thing to do.  It is absolutely unacceptable.  But is it unfathomable?  I ask this because I’ve been in that dark, helpless place, struggling with depression and a baby who wouldn’t stop crying.  Thank the Lord I had a husband who was right there and could take that little boy from me when it got really difficult.  What about the single mom with no support, who is struggling in every sense of the word and cracks under the pressure?   I will never justify the actions, but I can understand with compassion the place she has come from.  Because of that I’ve curbed a lot of my finger pointing.  I would like to say all of it, but I still find myself being critical at times. It’s something I need God to help me with every day.

When parents point fingers or shake their heads at other parents it serves no real purpose other than make them feel like they are better parents than the ones whom they are critiquing.  What to do instead?

The truth is we’re all failures.  Everyone is.  Only God is perfect and so He’s the only one who can judge the heart and motives of people.  For me, I’m hoping I can be a help in some way to mothers who struggle and don’t have the support from family and friends that is so needed to be a good parent.  I really hope God will open some doors for me to do that more directly.  Parenting children is really, really hard.  It always will be.  We really need to look out for each other, not wag our finger, shake our head and then look the other way.

Thumb Sucking Regression

For a while I’ve been meaning to write about J.’s return to thumb sucking, but I’ve put it off.  Why?  Well, simply put, I wrote an entire entry about how God faithfully helped him stop.  I wrote about how God gives us paper cuts sometimes just like He gave J. to help him stop sucking his thumb.  I saw the faithfulness of God in his life and I rejoiced in a victory I believed we had won…

And then he started sucking his thumb again.  Oh the frustration I feel every time I see him doing it.  “He’s six and a half for crying out loud!” I think to myself on a daily basis. “When will this end?”  I really thought we had it over an done with and feel overwhelmingly disappointed that he seems to be thumb sucking even more than ever before.

But thankfully God displays more patience with him than I do.  And He displays more patience with us all.  How many times have I turned a new page on something, certain I was leaving an old way behind, only to slip back into the same habit?  We’re all like that.  We can have such certainty about turning away from something, but then we fall, we falter, we fail. 

But God is merciful.  Even with our very lives and hearts.  After all, we either turned away from Him at one point or we are turning away from Him right now.  But the bible says, “He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” (2Peter3:9b NIV84)  Here the bible is talking about our souls.  Even as we turn our backs on Him, He is patient, waiting for us to come to Him.  And He’s the same way with our nasty habits.  We can foul up again and again.  People can get fed up with us.  But God does not. 

I am going to try and remind myself of this every time I see that thumb.

"I love you Mom!"

Quick post today!  It's Friday night and after my kids finished eating dinner they were begging me for ice cream.  After little sis was off to bed, I scooped up two bowls (one chocolate, the other sherbet :)  The boys jumped for joy (they don't get ice cream too often) and each promptly announced, "Thank you!  I love you Mom!" and raced off to eat their ice cream.

As I cleaned up dishes I thought to myself, how easily I get an "I love you!' from them when I give them things they want like ice cream.  But how often do my busy boys just tell me that for no reason?  Only once in a while.  And how often do they tell me that in the midst of me instructing or punishing them? Umm... Never.

But you know what?  Aren't we adults often the same way with God?  We're so quick to tell Him we love Him when we receive something we want.  We're not so quick to tell Him the same thing just because of who He is and definitely not when we are going through something.  But we should.  He is God and He is good and loving to us all the time.  We should answer Him back similarly...All the time!

My little T. turns 1!

I’ve been waiting all week to write in this blog today.  Unfortunately I am “(feels like I’ve been hit with a Mack truck) sick so this entry I’ve been planning to write will be shorter than usual.

Today is a special today because one year ago T. was born.  I get very sappy about first birthdays.  I’m actually fairly sappy about every birthday, but the first is just so special. 

This morning I couldn’t even get out of bed with some sort of flu like ailment, but R. brought T. to me and I watched when the clock turned to 7:05 am, exactly one year since her birth.  Human life is quite amazing really.  I mean looking down at her and how much she has grown; it seems unbelievable that all of it could happen in one year.   I feel the same way about pregnancy.  In nine months tiny cells become a living, breathing, perfect baby.   

All of this leaves me in awe of the majesty that is God’s creation.   His work is perfect in every way.  I’m also struck by how quickly time passes.  I know I will blink and she will be two.  I’ll blink again and she will be grown.  Life is so precious and so quick.  I’m thankful today for every second I have of it.   

When We Mess Up

I’ve been really swamped lately, so in the interest of time I’m going to see if I can write what’s on my heart in only a few words.  We’ll see how this goes! 

The other day I did something I shouldn’t have.  It’s not really important what it was exactly, but let’s just say I knew the moment I did it, that it was wrong.  I immediately felt horrible and asked God to forgive me.  I knew He had, but what happened next and in the days to follow was Him disciplining me for my action through some consequences.  I essentially reaped what I sowed, and I deserved it.  The funny thing is that all the ordered events that happened after I did the wrong thing were just as clearly from God as they are when He is blessing me or giving me favor in a situation.

So that got me thinking.  How quickly do we acknowledge God when He does something we want versus when things don’t go our way?  It seems to me that our society as a whole is happy to point to God when something really great happens.  Super stars thank Him for their Grammy awards and Oscars.  We say it His work when we witness an unexplained medical miracle or hear an impossible story of survival.  But what about when we have a string of bad “luck”?  What about when our circumstances prove challenging?   Then it’s, “Why would God do this to me or let this happen?”  “How could God love me and not help in my situation?” 

Have we ever stopped to consider that He is as much at work when life is a challenge as when it’s going smoothly?  The challenge might not come from our own mistake.  It might not be due to wrongdoing on our part.  But it could.   Yet so many of us only want God if He’s going to do things our way, on our timeline, and on our command.

As a parent I certainly do not give my children everything they want and ask for.  I do not only involve myself in their lives to provide encouragement and support.  I also step in to discipline them when they are wrong.  I teach them that there are consequences for wrongful actions.  And I attempt to do this in love because I love them.  God is no different (except he doesn’t have to attempt to do things in love, He just does them).  As our heavenly Father He concerns Himself about teaching us life lessons.  This often includes correction.  If we are willing to keep our eyes peeled, we will notice Him in those moments. 

For me, Kate the doubter, always seeking proof of God’s existence; I noted that He was very much involved in my unsavory circumstances that followed my mistake.  He is always true to His word.  He is always there.  I know He forgave me for my mistake.  I know He desires for me to see Him at work even in the mess I’ve made.  And He is.