Wow it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted
here! We’ve had a lot going on in
our lives the last few months and they were things I just felt like I couldn’t
share right away because I was really struggling with them. At the end of March things were going
great. I was getting ready to
submit paperwork to return to work full time, teaching in J.s school. We were considering selling our
apartment to some friends and actually buying a home in our neighborhood. It was exciting! And then about two days after my last
post I found out very obviously un-expectantly that we are in fact expecting
our fourth child in early December.
I was completed
floored. I cried. In one moment all of the plans that
were underway came to a halt. I
promised myself I would have a positive outlook about it, but it’s silly to
make promises about how you are going to feel about something. I failed to keep it within a day. I felt guilty about feeling bad about
being pregnant. I felt guilty
because I have a few friends who have been trying for years to have a baby and
I’m having another one. I cried
some more. All of my struggles to
be content in our small living space came flooding back and to be honest with
you are still with me at this very moment. There's no more space in the kid's bedroom for another kid (My children have solved this by stating they will just let the baby sleep in their bed ; ) Worries over finances hit me like a ton of bricks because I
never planned to stay home long term and now with four little ones, returning
to work full time seems unrealistic and quite honestly not what God wants me to
do.
We then found out that M. cannot get a spot in J.s school
for the fall unless we falsify our address (which the school flat out
encouraged us to do). God has
always paved ways for us and we’ve always been honest, so that is just not an
option. The kids will be switching
schools and I’m not happy about it.
I love the school we’re in.
I wish this post had some great wrap up of revelation on how
I’ve gained perspective that God is going to work things out. My mind knows this is true, but my
emotions and hormones are fighting against that every day. I do know that a new life is always a
blessing and somehow I will survive the rest of this pregnancy and the newborn
months. I’m really not good at
being pregnant and I’m even worse at being sleep deprived, so bear with
me. The next year is going to be a
rollercoaster for me, but I plan to take you all on the ride. I’m going to be real and it probably won’t
be pretty. Go easy on me.
