Proof for the Doubters

Lately I've been struck by any amazing desire to prove the existence of God.  Why?  Partly because I'm a panicky doubter by nature and those doubts about the existence of God creep into my mind often.  And partly because deep down inside I know He's real and I know people who I care for deeply who believe He's not.  I want the proof for them and for myself.

 Today I was reading in Joshua about the Israelites finally crossing the Jordan River and entering the land God had promised them.  When the first priest's toe touched the water of the Jordan (which was at it's flood stage level) God parted the waters and all of the Israelites crossed over.  While the waters were parted Joshua collected 12 stones from the river and set them up at a place called Gilgal.  Why?  Here's what the bible says, "He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The Lord your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over."(Joshua 4:21-23 NIV84). So it was a memorial of sorts for the Israelites so they would remember it was God who had brought them there.  But the bible says more.  "He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God.” (Joshua 4:24 NIV84). The rocks are the proof for all people that God is real.  He knows us.  He knows we will wonder and doubt His existence.  So He sets things up so that we can find the proof of Him if we go looking for it.

 I know what you might be wondering because I did too.  Where are those rocks now?  If God is real then why can't we locate those rocks?  If He wanted us to find them then why aren't they still where they were left?  That's a really good question.  The truth is however that there is proof of God's existence all around us. The bible says, "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." (Romans 1:20 NIV84). In my searching I stumbled across a great website that discusses six straight forward reasons for the existence of God.  The author of the list was once an atheist which I think gives her an interesting perspective. www.everystudent.com/features/isthere.html  I hope if you're a doubter you will check it out.  If you're not and you already believe you might want to check it out too because surely you know someone who is.

Have a great day!

Stay or Go?

I've written a post already about waiting.  However, I think for certain this is probably my own greatest struggle, and probably others as well.  For this reason I think it deserves another look, from another angle.  I'm currently waiting for God to move in a number of ways in respect to a number of things.  The things I am waiting on are things I believe He has either put in my heart to do or burdened R. And I to do together.  Some of these things are also tied to moving out of our current home to somewhere else.  I've mentioned previously that God dealt with me about moving in my post  My Way or His Way?  Coming to a place of peace about moving or not moving has been very critical for me to have, in order for us to have a clear mind and heart and know that it's actually God moving when the time comes.

 All of this thinking about moving and big God ordered things happening has led me to think about when God called Abraham to leave where he was and go to a land he didn't know; but one God called him into.  "The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."(Genesis 12:1 NIV84). So he went.  Because he knew it was the Lord and because he trusted Him, he left all that was familiar to him and headed to somewhere unknown.  How many of us would actually do this?  With no knowledge of how something will work out in the end, how many of us would take such a huge leap of faith?  I'm a planner.  I like plans.  If I were Abraham I would be wanting a laid out map of the journey.  I would want to go over contingencies.  But Abraham didn't do this.  He just went.  And he took his nephew Lot with him.

 The other day R. And I were talking about some of the possibilities in connection to the possible move and I told him, "I don't know why, but for whatever reason every possibility we've discussed seems good, but doesn't quite feel right.". R. agreed.  I then said, "It makes me wonder if God has something entirely different altogether." R. reminded me of all the times in our life up to this point where we just felt a peace about stepping out and doing something.  "That's what we're waiting for." he said.   "We don't do something or go somewhere because it looks good or seems nice. We wait until we know that it's God, and then we go no matter what."

 A wise statement from a wise husband.  And what he said brings me back to Abraham who is now living with his family and Lot and his family and things are getting too crowded.  With not enough space for both of them, it's time to split ways.   Abraham makes a wise decision.  He decides to let Lot decide which way HE wants to go.  "Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company. If you go to the left, I'll go to the right; if you go to the right, I'll go to the left.” (Genesis 13:9 NIV84). Correct me if you think I'm wrong on this, but in allowing his nephew to choose first, Abraham is essentially letting God be master over where he will go.  And this is what Lot does, "Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, towards Zoar..."(Genesis 13:10 NIV84). Lot picks the land that looks nice to him.  He chooses the one that seems better. "Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom." (Genesis 13:12 NIV84). But most of us know what happened later on.  Most of us know about Sodom and Gomorrah and what a disaster of a place that ended up being.

 The big lesson in all of this is one about how we go about make big life decisions.  Number One:  We wait.  If God puts something in our heart to do or somewhere to go, He will do it.  We step out in faith and do our part, but ultimately He DOES NOT need our help to get it done.  Number Two:  We don't do things in life just because they look or seem good.  I can't tell you how many times I've watched both believing and unbelieving friends make "seems great" or "looks great" decisions. Things went well for a while, but eventually it became very clear why the decision was a poor one. If we love God, we must check our hearts.  Do we want to live for Him or do we want to do our own thing and involve Him only when we want His approval?  In my own life God faced me with this question and I realized that I truly wanted His way and needed to change my perspective from making my own plans to waiting on His.   When we do this, we can be confident that when our answer comes to what we've been waiting for, we'll know its from God.

The Yellow Shirt

"Mommy, Elton always wears the same shirt.  I think he likes the color yellow." J. said to me one afternoon recently.  Knowing the population of J.'s school I explained to him that his classmate Elton might only have one or two shirts.  Unlike his closet full of clothes, many of his friends likely didn't have the same.  Having this conversation with J, was something we had sort of hoped would happen when we enrolled him in his school.  While that might sound strange at first, let me explain.  We essentially had a choice to send J. to one of two schools.  The first school is a few blocks from our home.  It has a strong reputation in the neighborhood and most of the children who attend are for the most part like us; middle class with educated parents.  The other school is in the neighborhood next to ours.  It's a low income neighborhood.  Most of the children are immigrants themselves or first generation Americans.  Over eighty percent speak a language other than English at home.  The school was brand new last year and was near where I was working.  I had met with the principal and was very impressed with her and her vision for the school.

 I think for many people the choice of schools would be a no brainer.  Go with the "good" one.  Go with the school where J. would be able to relate to his peers and see them around the neighborhood.  I personally struggled with the decision and for the most part felt the first school was the obvious choice.  But there was something nagging at me.  More than anything else, we desired very strongly that our kids understood how much God had blessed them in so many ways.  It's one thing to explain this to them and it's a whole other thing for them to see this and understand it for themselves.  One of the things I used to imagine when we were deciding on schools was the kind of birthday parties we would attend.  We already had a taste of our neighborhood parties from preschool.  They were fun, great, but elaborate.  We knew we would never measure up in this area for our kids, nor did we strive to.  On the other hand I knew at the other school there probably wouldn't be birthday parties. In the end after much thought and prayer we sent J. to the school further away from home.

 We've been happy there with the teaching and the leadership, but it wasn't until J. came home noticing his classmates lack of wardrobe variety that we had our first taste of the teachable moments we had hoped for.  The result of J.'s statement led to a discussion about how many people have so much less than we do.  What followed that was better than I could have hoped for.  "Mommy, maybe we can get him some shirts." J suggested to me.  And we did.  A few days later in collaboration with his teacher J. brought Elton a bag of new shirts.  He knew not to tell him who they were from or to tell other kids in the class.  We explained to him that more important than anyone knowing he had done it, was knowing that God was pleased with him.  I am so thankful he had the opportunity to be a blessing to a friend and to know he was.   J. was able to tangibly understand this verse, "And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased." (Hebrews 13:16 NIV84). I'm sure there could be many other ways we could have taught him this, but his experience in school allowed God to orchestrate the lesson for him and I'm glad for that.

Paper Cuts

My oldest son J. started sucking his thumb when he was 3 months old.  Can I tell how sweet it is to see a little baby chomping on their tiny thumb?  Honestly R. And I were both thumb suckers as kids so it was really no surprise to us to end up with a thumb loving child.  As the years passed and the thumb sucking did not, we began to think of ways to help him quit the habit.  We tried band aids but he would just pull them off when he wanted a suck.  We tried hot sauce.  We tried rewards.  We tried threats.  We read him a book called "Jake's Best Thumb" about a boy who finally realizes he doesn't need his thumb.  Nothing worked.

 Recently J. turned six and began to want to stop sucking his thumb a little bit.  But as with any habit or addiction, it's not that easy. He was just so used to doing it that he couldn't will himself to stop.  We encouraged him to pray and ask God to help him. And he did.  Every night at bed time he always said, "...and Jesus make me not suck my thumb."  The thumb sucking still did not wane.  He became frustrated.  "I pray and ask God to make me stop, but He doesn't.".  We explained to him that God would not make him stop, but he could ask God to help him and then he needed to do his part and make an effort.  It sort of seemed to go in one ear and out the other and the thumb sucking continued.

 Then a few days ago an interesting thing happened.  J was reading a book and somehow managed to get a deep paper cut on the sucking thumb.  He begged for a bandaid and I obliged.  The evening went on and the kids got ready for bed.  After I left them in their room, I was sitting out on the couch.  Suddenly J. called out from his bed.  "Hey Mommy!  I have a bandaid on my thumb and now I can't suck it!". He seemed very happy about this.  The next morning he proudly came out of his room.  "I didn't suck my thumb at all!" he said with his face glowing.  Later as we drove to school I told him, "You see J., you prayed that God would help you stop sucking your thumb and He gave you a paper cut.  At first you were upset about the paper cut but now you can see how God used it to help you stop sucking your thumb!  Sometimes God answers us but it's not how we expect He will". J. Smiled at me.  "Yup!  That's right Mommy!"

 I can't help but see how this story can apply to us all.  How many times in life do we pray and ask God to intervene in a situation, but have a clear idea in our own mind of HOW He should answer us?  Then when He gives us our own paper cut we don't see it as an answer to that prayer.  We might grumble or think God has still failed to work in our situation.  Only later with some time and perspective are we able to see how God was using the paper cut to answer our prayer.  My prayer today for myself and for all of us is that we would recognize God in the paper cut and thank Him for it!

 'Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.' (Jeremiah 33:3 MSG)

Going to the Promised Land

I've been reading through the bible and I'm currently in the book of Deuteronomy.   My favorite chapter has always been chapter 8.  God brings me back to it all the time whenever I need a reminder that every good thing in my life comes from Him.  I'm going to highlight some of the verses in it and how I've see them recently in a new way.

 A little background info:  At this point in the bible the Israelites have traveled out of Egypt and have spent a long time wandering around in the desert.  Despite that, God has abundantly provided for them, doing many miraculous things in their midst.  They are now getting ready to enter the land He had promised to them.  But before they do, God is speaking to them through Moses and reminding them of everything He has brought them through.  Here are four parts of Deuteronomy 8 that really stick out for me.

 1. "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." (Deuteronomy 8:2 NIV84).

 I feel like the journey the Israelites took through the desert can be likened to our own journey on earth.  The same reminder for them can be applied to ourselves.   The desert is like a symbol for our earthly home.  It's not perfect and wonderful all the time. It's hard and rough and we are left longing for something more.  That longing will not be fulfilled until we reach the Promised Land.  For us that is heaven.

 2. "He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 8:3 NIV84)

 The desert had no ability to sustain the Israelites.  They had to rely on God for provision, which came in the form of manna.  The bible is like our manna to help sustain us through our earthly journey.  It contains promises, truths, directions, encouragement, and best of all the ability to come alive in our hearts and point out specific things to us. That's why it's so important that we look to it every day.  Like the manna was only given to the Israelites to sustain them for one day at a time, so is the word of God for us.  We need it each day for the challenges of that day alone.

 3. "Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey;" (Deuteronomy 8:6-8 NIV84)

 I often wondered why the Israelites were so doubtful about where they were going.  God showed them signs and wonders.  How hard was it to trust that the Promised Land was going to be everything that God said it was?  Yet I have found myself in exactly the same place, questioning the goodness of the heaven that is promised to me despite seeing Gods faithfulness and miracles in my own life.  It's in our nature to fear the unknown and to doubt what we cannot see.  But God wants us to trust that what he has for us beyond this earthly life is good and more than we can even imagine.

 4. "When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."(Deuteronomy 8:10-14 NIV84)

 How many people with an abundance of earthly wealth really believe it has been given to them as a blessing from God?  Not many I would guess.  Again, It is in our nature to be prideful and to think that we have what we do because we've worked hard, earned it ourselves, and deserve it.  Receiving wealth and earthly pleasures while we are living runs runs a risk that our prideful nature will lose sight of where they came from.  It's no surprise to me that it's those who have very little material things that are more likely to live with a greater joy in their hearts because they have not lost sight of God.  They are able to find this joy in Him and not in things.  Thankfully in heaven we will be able to enjoy everything God gives us in abundance without running any risk of forgetting who gave it to us.  Unlike the Israelites who entered the Promised Land, when we get to heaven we will never forget who brought us there because He will be there with us!

 One last thought about my friends the Israelites:

 Before entering the Promised Land, while they faced the challenges of their 40 years in the desert, the Israelites often cried out to God, telling him they wished hey had been left in Egypt.  I never quite understood this. But yet again I am realizing how often we do the same when we are in the midst of a trial or even just living life.  We question Him.  We begin to question every promise He has ever made us and whether He is real at all.  We say:  Why would you do this to me?  If you were real then you would not be doing this to me.  And just like they forgot the parting of the Red Sea and the manna and water coming out of a rock; we forget everything He has ever done for us and how He's helped us before, simply because we can't seem to see Him in our current struggle.  We shake our heads at the Israelites.  How could they forget?  Yet we are just the same.  We are on the same journey.  A journey that God sees in its entirety, while we only see what is directly in front of us.  He sees around every corner.  And while we are shaking our head or asking why, He is telling us:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
 neither are your ways my ways,”   declares the Lord.
  “As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways  and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV84)

 He wants us to trust Him as we fulfill our journey here on earth.  His promises for what is ahead when we finish are more than we can even imagine!

God Knows My Name

My name Kate, is short for Katherine, a very popular and common name.   For those of you who know me personally, my maiden name is also very common.  Common first name plus common last name equals a very non-unique name that plagued my desire to be original, especially as a teenager.

 When I was three years old my family bought a home on a cute family friendly block in a small town west of Boston, Massachusetts.  We were really fortunate to have children living in so many of the houses on our block, and right next door to us was a family who had a little girl my exact same age.  But more ironically than having a same age neighbor, this little girl had my same first name...and last name!  That's right folks, my newest pal and I had exactly the same name.  When we started elementary school we couldn't even be called "Katie (last initial)".  We had to go by "Katie (middle initial)".

   When I was eight years old my father got a new job in Pennsylvania, so we moved.  Lest you think my days of sharing my name with a close friend were over, you're wrong!  Upon arriving to my first day of the third grade at my very tiny private school, I was introduced to another Kate with my same last name!  What are the odds?

 By the time I reached middle school, I was so desperate for a name to call my own that I began playing around with the spelling of mine.  Kayt, Kaitee, Kait, and finally settling on Kayte.  I spelled my name like that all the way through the eighth grade. In high school both of us Kates played on the same field hockey team and due to our obvious difference in heights, our teammates nicknamed me "Lil Katie" and the other Kate, "Big Katie".  These nicknames stuck all the way through high school and even to this day some of my high school friends still call me that.

 Sharing my name for so many years even effected how my husband and I named our own children.  I nixed many a name because it was ranked too "popular" on the Social Security website.  The funny thing about that is that God actually gave me a husband with a very uncommon last name, a gift I suppose for all the years I spent sharing my name.  Still, I  didn't want my children to have their last initial attached to their common first name in the event there were others with it in their classes;  so we chose less popular ones.

 When I think back to those years struggling to assert myself as an individual, with unique qualities, not the same as someone else, I wish I had these reminders from the Lord:

 "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;  I have called you by name; you are Mine! (Isaiah 43:1 NASB)

And 

 "The LORD called Me from the womb;  From the body of My mother He named Me." (Isaiah 49:1 NASB)

 My name was important.  It was uniquely mine even if it was not unique.  God did not mistake me for someone else.  He always knew my name before it was even given to me.  If I had nothing else in this world, my name could not be taken away from me.

 These promises from God remind me of a song we sing with our campers at Royal Family Kids Camp.  For anyone reading this who doesn't know what that is, Royal Family Kids Camp is a camp for children who are in the foster care system.  Many of them have suffered abuse you couldn't even imagine.  Almost all of them have suffered hurt and neglect.  During their week at camp we seek to build them up in the Lord, teaching them about His love and promises for their life.  One of their favorite songs which is accompanied by an intricate step routine (that almost all of them learn how to do) is called "I Am Not Forgotten".

 I am not forgotten
 I am not forgotten
 I am not forgotten
 God knows my name. 
He knows my name. 

 Light over darkness 
Strength over weakness 
Joy over sadness 
He knows my name 

 Father to the Fatherless
 Friend to the friendless 
Hope for the hopeless 
He knows my name 

 I will praise You 
I will praise You
 For I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

  I am not forgotten
 Never forsaken 

 Israel & New Breed lyrics 

 The fact is that whether we've been cast aside or grown up with plenty, our name is precious to God.  He knows it.  He loves it.  He knew we would have it and it is special to Him.  More special to Him is who we are.  Our name might be forgotten by those around us.  It might be commonplace. It might be cursed by some.  But our name and the person it belongs to is loved by God.  We can count on that.

My Heart's Desire

“Delight yourself in the Lord

and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4 NIV84

I’ve always loved this verse in the bible.  It’s a beautiful promise showing that God cares for what we desire as long as what we desire is of Him.  Recently however this verse has taken on new meaning for me, meaning that I think is much closer to the verse’s intentions.

When I was a new Christian I used to read this verse and think to myself, “As long as I focus on Jesus and find joy in Him, then He will take care of giving me what I desire.”  I desired a husband, a family, a home.  I knew those things weren’t essential for sustaining life, but I knew they were good and I believed that if I turned my focus to loving God, in time He would give me those things.  I wasn’t wrong in my thinking really.  God did bless me with all of those things and I am very thankful and grateful every day that He did.  But I think my mind was really saying, “God, I love you and I want you, but please don’t forget to give me these things that I want so much or I don’t know what I’ll do.”

I can actually say much to my own shame really, that I have even looked at others who might not have some of the things God has blessed me with and wondered if they were really content.  How foolish.  They clearly had a greater grasp on the fullness of joy in Christ than I did. 

Unfortunately, for me I feel like I missed out on the blessing that comes when we submit our desires so entirely to Him, that they actually become almost irrelevant, a side note really to our desire to please Him and follow His will.  Not that the desire is gone, but it is under submission to something greater. 

As I learn to love Him with my whole heart, desiring only to please Him, He has shown me His ability to change my desires to match the one’s He has for me or to take the desire away all together.  That’s the truth in this verse, not that I will get what I want, no matter how good or wholesome that thing might be; but that I would WANT only what He WANTS.

The greatest desire of my heart right now isn’t for any one tangible thing.  It’s not to be able to walk down one specific road or achieve one specific goal.  My deepest desire and greatest hunger is to be obedient to Him.  That desire He promises He will fulfill as I delight myself in Him.  And I do!

Rejected by the Swamp People

Recently I saw a news story on an exhibit in The Chelsea Market to support Louisiana tourism and promote a show on The History Channel called “Swamp People”.  It was set up to look like an actual bayou and had real live alligators!  I have a tendency of being pretty spontaneous so I made plans to go right then and there for the opening day!  M. was excited to go and is a fan of the subway, so even the ride there was an adventure for him.  We showed up ready for some fun.  Upon arriving at the entrance to the exhibit we read the sign outside, “Opening at 1pm”  The time then was 10 am!  There was no way we were waiting around for three hours.  The event was actually open but only for VIPs and the media.  Outside a young publicist looked at our dejected faces and asked if we could just come back later.  “Unfortunately we came all the way from Brooklyn.” I told her.  “Well since you came all that way, let me see what I can do.” she said.  Before I knew it we were ushered into the exhibit space.  I was ecstatic!  We met with a naturalist who started to talk to us about the alligators.  “We just have a to wait until the ribbon cutting ceremony and then I can show them to you.” she said to Miles.  He gave her a big smile and squeezed my hand.  So we waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  At one point, probably noting that I looked very out of place as the only person there with children, the head organizer came over and asked me who let us in.  “Are you a guest of someone?  Are you on the list?” he asked me. “No” I answered and explained that the publicist out front had let us come in.  He went over to her and they had a hushed conversation.  She then returned to us with a sheepish look on her face.  “I’m really sorry”, she said “but you’re going to have to leave.  They are getting ready to start filming some stuff.  You’re welcome to try and come back later.”  I thanked her and feeling humiliated (even though I know I shouldn’t have), we made our exit.  No gators for my two.  I think I felt worse than they did.

While the rejection by “The Swamp People” will not likely leave a huge imprint on my life, I began to think about what it will be like for some people when their life ends and they find themselves rejected by God.  Thinking their name might be on His list, only to find out that it is not, will be the encounter that some people will have with our Heavenly Father when their life is up.   The bible says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.   Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord” did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’  Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:21-23 NIV84)

Some people might think concerning themselves with whether or not their name is on some VIP list to heaven is not something to worry about now or ever.   Some people assume it just will be, while others figure they’ll take their chances.  It’s very clearly written in the bible about whose name will not be there, “Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.” (Revelation 22:15 NIV84)  I don’t think too many people would argue that someone who commits murder shouldn’t enter heaven, but it’s clear that any kind of sin would put someone in the same category.  I personally can equate my past to at least three of the things mentioned in that verse and idolatry and falsehood are something I still struggle with.  An idolater is simply someone who puts the things of this life before God.  So we’ve all done that and many of us do that as part of our daily life.  And practicing falsehood is simply telling a lie or not being true to your self.  We’ve definitely all done that.  The only way to have any assurance that our name will be on God’s list when we arrive at the gates of heaven is to put our faith in Christ.  In doing that He will blot out the sin that would keep us from gaining entry.

What a relief that is to me!  I can expect to face rejection often in this lifetime.  It’s nearly a guarantee.  But I can rest assured that I will get to spend eternity with God.  I don’t have to live my life worrying about that, and as a person with a tendency to worry; this would be a big one for me.  But it’s not.  Here’s the promise I have, “He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white.  I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.”  (Revelation 3:5 NIV84)  So thankful for this reassurance I have been given!

Fake Kate

Last evening our pastor was telling us that the average person lies 23 times a day.  He wasn't just referring to conventional lying, but also not being true to yourself and acting like someone you are not.  We've likely all done both, but being fake is something I spent most of my life excelling in.  I can remember at a very young age being able to "read" people and figure out what made them tick.  I quickly could assert someones likes and dislikes, and before they could find out a lick about me; I became on the surface someone they wanted to be friends with.  This "chameleon" effect was never utilized more than when I was a teenager and young adult seeking out relationships of the opposite sex.  I knew exactly what to say in order to woo a boy into thinking I was the one for him.  Never mind that I had no actual common interests with the fellow or that our conversations bored me to death.  My goal was to convince him that he couldn't live without me and I was very good at doing just that.  

 Why did I do that? If I encountered people that were not compatible with me, why did I feel such a need to conform to an appearance that was so unlike the true me?  The answer is quite simple really: fear of rejection.  I was completely terrified that people would not like me for who I really was, so instead of letting them see me, I only let them see a fake me.

 I'd love to tell you that finding God put a rest to all of that.  In some ways it did.  I did end up meeting my wonderful husband who saw all of who I was, even the rotten stuff and still wanted to marry me.  But as I began the adventure of motherhood, the old insecurities reared their ugly head again.  I did not really take well to becoming a parent and if I was going to give myself a mom rating it wouldn't have been a good one.  But Kate the chameleon did a great job at disguising this around other mothers.  You might have thought I was super mom!  Here are just a few examples of things I did: If I knew you only fed your kids organic everything, then I would bring only organic snacks and juice boxes to our play dates.  Never mind what was actually in my cupboard!  Same with baby food.  I pretended that I only had homemade when really I had stocks of jars in my cabinets.  I hid DVDs when people came over so they wouldn't think I let my kids watch too much T.V.  At one point I even faned ignorance to a friend when one of my kids told her child he was going to get a "pow pow" and I acted like I had no idea where he came up with that idea or word. Fake, fake, fake.

 But my biggest most shameful act of fakeness has been concealing far too often that I am a Christian and that it shapes who I am as a person and as a mother.  And I realize I've concealed the truth about both myself as a mom and as a Christian for the same reasons I acted fake as a kid.  I didn't want people to reject me or not like the real me.  If the way I mothered my kids was different than a friend, then I worried if that became apparent, this friend wouldn't want to be mine anymore.  Likewise if someone found out the depth to which I believed in Jesus Christ and they didn't believe in Him, then they I worried they would reject me.  These worries plagued me and prevented me from being true to myself.

However as I've grown in my walk with God I've realized that He is the only one I should seek to please.  I've feared rejection from others when I should have been fearing rejection from Him.   If I am true to who I am and what I believe, He promises, “Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven." (Matthew 10:32 NIV84)  Instead of trying to be like everyone else, I seek to be like Him.  Hence the title of my blog: Til My Heart Looks Like Yours, because while it will take a lifetime, in the end He's the one I am modeling after.  "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48 NIV84)  With my focus turned towards that, I am much more able to be myself, to lay myself bare.  No more pride in being a chameleon.  I have many, many flaws and that's okay.  I don't have to impress God.  I don't need to impress people either.  And in terms of fearing rejection, I'll never be rejected my Heavenly Father.

 Lastly I'm going to leave you with the verse our pastor used to encourage us to be truthful both in what we say and how we act:

"Therefore let us celebrate the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth." (1 Corinthians 5:8 NASB)